Finally, I have my kids with me. It sure didn’t come easy, and I had to go through a lot of conversations where ex told me he felt it was the right thing to do to “let” me have them over Christmas break, and he will be so sad and lonely, and he has spent so much money on them but no he doesn’t want me to send more than we agreed to, blah blah blah.
I picked them up last Thursday, and they are here until Friday. It’s been mostly wonderful, just a few sibling squabbles or parent frustrations to deal with. Mostly they seem happy and that’s all I want.
I haven’t written in a while. It’s been busy at work, and My Girl and I are trying to navigate the rough transitional road to recovery life, and trying to figure out how to best help each other without causing upset from our own triggers and her withdrawing from medications she has been on a long time.
Since I haven’t been stressed enough, said sarcastically, I decided to start looking for a house since my lease runs out in February, and because I want to live with My Girl and our apartments are too small and we are getting tired of the management and neighbors anyway.
My second outing, the weekend after my birthday, I found one I loved, that was listed on my birthday. Turns out it was previously under contract, and there was a kitchen fire and the smoke damage was so bad the entire interior had to be gutted and rebuilt. Buyers didn’t want to wait so it was put on the market again. Selling agent didn’t want to show it before the renovations were completed or before the open house but Owner insisted. So….I looked at it Saturday (the selling agent likes my realtor friend and works in the same office so let him show it), took My Girl back on Sunday during an open house, was “advised without being advised” to put in a contract ASAP because another offer may be coming, and made an offer Sunday afternoon. The owner countered, and then I had to gamble on my second offer, not knowing the status or the amount of the other offer. A short while later my realtor called and said, “Well, you are buying a house!!” The other offer never came until Monday morning! Looks like it was meant to be!
Oh yeah, owner wants to close by the end of the year! What???? So on Thursday December 28, 2017 I will buy a house, and everything has been my decision, my resources, my responsibility. That is exhilarating and terrifying!
I told kids in the car, which is not really how I had planned it, but I was excited I guess! My realtor offered to take us over Friday to do an unofficial walkthrough. They of course wanted the same room so fought a bit until my daughter pulled rank as the oldest. But other than that they didn’t seem to care too much about it. I was a little disappointed actually that they weren’t that excited about it.
I was a little anxious to tell them about the house, not sure why. I guess because I know their father will be negative about it and complain about how much money he thinks I have since I am just “living it up doing my thing” in the south. Whatever, I can’t control that. I bought it with the divorce settlement!
So since that day, I have been dropping little hints about my future life in the house. I asked my daughter (M) if she wanted my queen bed set because I will be getting a king. I said I don’t have a washer and dryer right now because my friend A (My Girl) has been helping me so I didn’t need to buy them. They have asked what A does, if she is married, has kids, and likes cats. M asked if they would meet her. I asked why and she said because A is always with you. I answered all the questions and wished that all the questions that will come next will be so simple.
So, I have one conversation left and it’s by far the most important and scariest. I need to tell them that I am in a relationship with My Girl. It has to be now, because she will live with me before they come back for the summer and I think that is too much to process at once. Now, they have some time and space to come to terms with it….hopefully.
But that’s what is hard. When do I tell them? Do I ruin the rest of the visit now so I am less anxious? Or do it the last night they are here so they don’t have to be uncomfortable too long, though then they will have a long car ride with their very intolerant father? Do I tell them together like everything else or separately to give them privacy from their sibling?
My realtor (T) is friends with A. He’s gay, and married his long-time partner a few weeks ago. It was wonderful to share in their day, though there were some surprises in that some family and long-time friends did not support the marriage. The relationship was fine, but to get married in a church was against the Bible and sinful. That was upsetting. Now my kids will have to deal with similar conversations because of me.
I thought I could ask them what they thought of T. I could say I think he is smart, good at his job, funny, and very kind. Then I could say well T is gay, what do you think of him now? I could say you thought he was nice before you knew he was gay, how does it change now? How is that fair to say he is not a good person because he is gay when they don’t really know him? And then just somehow tell them that I am in a relationship with a woman. They will assume I am bi, and I guess I will leave it at that, because it’s easier than saying well I am not a lesbian but I love a woman.
I fear this conversation. I was waiting until after Christmas, but now I don’t want to because I have limited time with them and I am trying to enjoy every minute. I fear the after of this conversation. I fear they won’t want to be with me or won’t love me. I fear their father will be furious I didn’t tell him first and will keep them from me. There was no way I was telling him before they got here, knowing he will be so ugly about it and turn them against me before I even have a chance. Although I mentioned it to him long ago and he thinks it was a mid-life crisis and hasn’t brought it up again.
I daydream I tell them and they say they suspected, or so what, or some other positive thing. They have been resilient so far, why should this be any different? A psychic told me they would be slightly surprised but recover quickly, that when it was all said and done it would be ok. I know I am making it harder on myself and need to just do it, and I know I will feel better after…..but I am so afraid of this potential loss I can’t move or say the words.
I found one article where a dad told his 10-year old daughter he is gay. She was angry….not that he is gay but that he didnt tell her sooner. And then their lives went on and they got ice cream. Could I be that lucky to have that reaction too?
I wish someone could out me for me. Seriously. Then I wouldn’t be the bad guy for telling them. I so hate this.