Anyone Want to Come Out Me to My Kids????

Finally, I have my kids with me. It sure didn’t come easy, and I had to go through a lot of conversations where ex told me he felt it was the right thing to do to “let” me have them over Christmas break, and he will be so sad and lonely, and he has spent so much money on them but no he doesn’t want me to send more than we agreed to, blah blah blah.

I picked them up last Thursday, and they are here until Friday. It’s been mostly wonderful, just a few sibling squabbles or parent frustrations to deal with. Mostly they seem happy and that’s all I want.

I haven’t written in a while. It’s been busy at work, and My Girl and I are trying to navigate the rough transitional road to recovery life, and trying to figure out how to best help each other without causing upset from our own triggers and her withdrawing from medications she has been on a long time.

Since I haven’t been stressed enough, said sarcastically, I decided to start looking for a house since my lease runs out in February, and because I want to live with My Girl and our apartments are too small and we are getting tired of the management and neighbors anyway.

My second outing, the weekend after my birthday, I found one I loved, that was listed on my birthday. Turns out it was previously under contract, and there was a kitchen fire and the smoke damage was so bad the entire interior had to be gutted and rebuilt. Buyers didn’t want to wait so it was put on the market again. Selling agent didn’t want to show it before the renovations were completed or before the open house but Owner insisted. So….I looked at it Saturday (the selling agent likes my realtor friend and works in the same office so let him show it), took My Girl back on Sunday during an open house, was “advised without being advised” to put in a contract ASAP because another offer may be coming, and made an offer Sunday afternoon. The owner countered, and then I had to gamble on my second offer, not knowing the status or the amount of the other offer. A short while later my realtor called and said, “Well, you are buying a house!!” The other offer never came until Monday morning! Looks like it was meant to be!

Oh yeah, owner wants to close by the end of the year! What???? So on Thursday December 28, 2017 I will buy a house, and everything has been my decision, my resources, my responsibility. That is exhilarating and terrifying!

I told kids in the car, which is not really how I had planned it, but I was excited I guess! My realtor offered to take us over Friday to do an unofficial walkthrough. They of course wanted the same room so fought a bit until my daughter pulled rank as the oldest. But other than that they didn’t seem to care too much about it. I was a little disappointed actually that they weren’t that excited about it.

I was a little anxious to tell them about the house, not sure why. I guess because I know their father will be negative about it and complain about how much money he thinks I have since I am just “living it up doing my thing” in the south. Whatever, I can’t control that. I bought it with the divorce settlement!

So since that day, I have been dropping little hints about my future life in the house. I asked my daughter (M) if she wanted my queen bed set because I will be getting a king. I said I don’t have a washer and dryer right now because my friend A (My Girl) has been helping me so I didn’t need to buy them. They have asked what A does, if she is married, has kids, and likes cats. M asked if they would meet her. I asked why and she said because A is always with you. I answered all the questions and wished that all the questions that will come next will be so simple.

So, I have one conversation left and it’s by far the most important and scariest. I need to tell them that I am in a relationship with My Girl. It has to be now, because she will live with me before they come back for the summer and I think that is too much to process at once. Now, they have some time and space to come to terms with it….hopefully.

But that’s what is hard. When do I tell them? Do I ruin the rest of the visit now so I am less anxious? Or do it the last night they are here so they don’t have to be uncomfortable too long, though then they will have a long car ride with their very intolerant father? Do I tell them together like everything else or separately to give them privacy from their sibling?

My realtor (T) is friends with A. He’s gay, and married his long-time partner a few weeks ago. It was wonderful to share in their day, though there were some surprises in that some family and long-time friends did not support the marriage. The relationship was fine, but to get married in a church was against the Bible and sinful. That was upsetting. Now my kids will have to deal with similar conversations because of me.

I thought I could ask them what they thought of T. I could say I think he is smart, good at his job, funny, and very kind. Then I could say well T is gay, what do you think of him now? I could say you thought he was nice before you knew he was gay, how does it change now? How is that fair to say he is not a good person because he is gay when they don’t really know him? And then just somehow tell them that I am in a relationship with a woman. They will assume I am bi, and I guess I will leave it at that, because it’s easier than saying well I am not a lesbian but I love a woman.

I fear this conversation. I was waiting until after Christmas, but now I don’t want to because I have limited time with them and I am trying to enjoy every minute. I fear the after of this conversation. I fear they won’t want to be with me or won’t love me. I fear their father will be furious I didn’t tell him first and will keep them from me. There was no way I was telling him before they got here, knowing he will be so ugly about it and turn them against me before I even have a chance. Although I mentioned it to him long ago and he thinks it was a mid-life crisis and hasn’t brought it up again.

I daydream I tell them and they say they suspected, or so what, or some other positive thing. They have been resilient so far, why should this be any different? A psychic told me they would be slightly surprised but recover quickly, that when it was all said and done it would be ok. I know I am making it harder on myself and need to just do it, and I know I will feel better after…..but I am so afraid of this potential loss I can’t move or say the words.

I found one article where a dad told his 10-year old daughter he is gay. She was angry….not that he is gay but that he didnt tell her sooner. And then their lives went on and they got ice cream. Could I be that lucky to have that reaction too?

I wish someone could out me for me. Seriously. Then I wouldn’t be the bad guy for telling them. I so hate this.

 

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Frustrated

I’m “off” again. I was in a great mood, then the day wore on me and now I am frustrated and irritable.

I feel tired but not sleepy because my body is still three hours behind. I even cleaned the upstairs bathrooms but it didn’t help.

I left messages for My Girl, but I don’t think she received them. That has been an ongoing problem and it upsets both of us. I booked her flight home, but she didn’t call to tell me she knew.  So unless something awful happened and triggered her, she didn’t get the message. Either way, I have no idea what is going on and can’t help, and she imagines I am upset with her and doesn’t get any encouragement from her one lifeline that she desperately needs to have. Bad situation all around.

My neighbor is outside talking loudly on her cell phone. That’s considerate at 10 pm.

My cats are fighting.

The friend taking care of our cats filled the litter garbage so full I almost couldn’t get it out of the trash can because it was so heavy. At least that was an opportunity to swear a bit.

A bill I tried to pay for My Girl was returned because I didn’t have the full account number on the check. Seriously? How many people are paying bills just enough to use someone else’s credit card? How many people are stealing identities after paying the bill? I get it. They would rather be uber safe than be sued. But damn. I am trying to help it not be overwhelming when she comes home and now it will be even later until it gets paid.

I’m hot with just the window open but cold with the fan on.

I’m out of sorts, back on the emotional rollercoaster. Back to going through the motions for another week. My firm has an open house on Thursday, and I am not looking forward to being a charming extrovert even though the management didn’t follow directions in time and it’s more staff than clients coming. Already things have gone wrong… and we can’t wait until it’s over with. But at least there will be wine.

I did have two positive things today… I called myself My Girl’s girlfriend when I was talking to the facility about her plane ticket and finding out what the discharge procedure is. That is a big thing for me, because I haven’t said it publicly to anyone other than my therapist. There were not any huge gasps… which My Girl always cutely tells me most people don’t care anymore.

Then in the corporate magazine there was a new female senior engineer who has a wife! So that was good that my company is tolerant. It made me consider coming out at the holiday party and taking My Girl, if she feels up to it. We’ll see…..

So at least I am not all doom and gloom today…. Hopefully tomorrow will be better.

 

 

Interesting Timing

Today’s Horoscope. Interesting timing.

If you were to attend a costume party, you could choose to be anyone you wanted to be. Whether a mythical figure, a superhero, a person from history, or some animal. You could go out into the world, in costume, and be uninhibited behind your mask. You could say the things your character would say, behave as they would, and no one would think any less of you, Scorpio. You may be hiding some aspect of yourself from someone now, but this is your truth. Go into the world today and pretend you are in costume, and just be all of you. You’ll be surprised by the warm reception the “real you” receives.

The Three Fastest Hours of My Life

On Friday I flew across the country to see My Girl for three hours on Sunday afternoon. Some may think that is crazy. But our whole relationship has been out of the ordinary, so for us it made sense. She is worth it. I would do anything for her.

I had to visit, we both needed it. I felt it would help her get through the last days, and would give me my peace again.

I did some sightseeing and saw some beautiful places, and was actually entertained and happy with my self. It was a bit odd at first knowing I could do whatever I wanted when I wanted because Ex always planned our vacations to the last minute. Sometimes he would be annoyed if I didn’t want to be on the go. Our last vacation I spent most of the day reading on the beach, and he did his thing and we only were together for dinner… I wonder if he thought anything of it or just thought he was making me happy by leaving me alone. It makes me sad to think we were probably done by then.

I had a good time being a single tourist, but of course I wished My Girl could have been with me. Perhaps when we return for the “Alumni” festivities we can see the area together.

As expected, the weekend went very slowly until this afternoon, and I had such butterflies while I was waiting for Uber to arrive! I really don’t think I have had butterflies when about to see someone before!!

When I was finally allowed into “the bin” and stripped of my phone, gum and breath mints, and sadly everything I wanted to give her and see her receive, I was in a little waiting area with some residents who were waiting for their families. They all swarmed me and said they were so excited to meet me and that My Girl is amazing and they adore her. That was nice. I have told her 500 times her personality attracts people but she doesn’t believe in herself at all, and has felt unworthy of it.

She finally came into the waiting area and I think I ran to her and it was so amazing to be in her arms again. Then time sped up as it always does when you are at your happiest.

We walked around the facility, and I met the people who have become very important to her. We talked about her journey, and her after care, and our future. Then we found two heart shaped rocks!

Then we had dinner, and sat outside and watched the sunset and had a heartfelt conversation, and then our time was over. I cried a little after I got back to my hotel, but not tears of sadness. Tears of relief that she was brave enough to get help, that the treatment is helping her, that she will be home with me soon. That she wants to be home with me, and wants the walls to come down and be happy with me.

I also had the opportunity to meet someone “like me.” We were talking about what we label ourselves, and I said I liked not completely straight and she said she considers herself a late bloomer. I liked that. It reminded me of the quotes about flowers… Bloom where you are planted, the pain of blooming is less than the pain of remaining a tight bud (or something like that), the lotus eventually grows through mud. I know the label is unimportant, and the need to be like other people is one of my issues. I don’t know how to get over that. Maybe it is fearing that people I love will leave me if I am not what they want me to be. I’m not a son. I’m not a younger blonde. I’m not social enough. I’m not gay.

I know I torture myself with things I shouldn’t dwell on and can’t control. I know life is short and right now I have this amazing woman who loves me as much as I love her and I need to enjoy every moment. I know that things have started to fall into place and I am happier than I was a year ago. I hope eventually I will be like My Girl and not need a label, or care if there are others “like me.”

The three fastest hours of my life were also the most important. Those hours confirmed that she is my person. I am hers. No matter what. We will get through this thing called life together.

 

Well Now I Feel Shitty!

I’m at My Girl’s house taking care of the fur babies. I remembered not to turn the porch light on, because I didn’t have candy. I had the hall light on but didn’t think that would matter. It did.

The doorbell rang, and I thought maybe it was a neighbor or the management people, with something important about My Girl. Because on Halloween at 7 pm that’s exactly why someone’s doorbell rings. 😞

So I answered, and there was a little girl there, too young to remember to say trick-or-treat, just standing there with her little bucket up. And when I said, “Oh, you look so cute but I’m sorry I don’t have any candy,” her face just fell and she looked at her mom like WTF????

I felt awful and lamely said, “Well my light wasn’t on. I’m sorry.” The mom said it’s OK. And probably walked away with her friend saying well why did she answer the damn door then??!?

Why did I? I don’t know but it broke my heart. Why do I care about upsetting a family I don’t even know?? Because I am too emotional. I feel shitty and I didn’t do anything wrong really! Yeah I shouldn’t have opened the door but they shouldn’t have come to it either.

Sigh. I’m just overly sensitive lately I guess.

Why Do I Feel Like This?

It was a cold and rainy day. I did one errand and then went home and became a hermit, and cancelled plans for dinner. I didn’t want to talk to anyone or be “on.” I spent the day working on a project for my daughter’s 16th birthday, and that creative time was wonderful and much needed.

For the most part, I’m shutting down because I am apart from My Girl. She will be upset by that, but I can’t help it. I feel lost and can’t concentrate, and I’m not hungry, and don’t want to be in public with happy couples everywhere. I don’t want to be around anyone, period.

Some of this is from work. Last week was almost constant people going against the corporate marketing standard and telling me they don’t care, they want to win, and then telling me to change everything back to the way I had told them to do it because they ran into problems their way. I also received several lessons I didn’t need or care about because engineers sometimes just have to explain the obvious to you. Annoying. So I am annoyed, and exhausted from the stress.

But some of my shutting down is because I am just not in a great place. I’m trying to hold it all in and be strong for My Girl, and then she ends up being strong for me. I don’t want her to do that. She needs to do this for her, not me. I feel like I am letting her down,  though I leave her supportive messages at least twice a day, because I am not strong enough when we talk.

She has been able to call me just about every day. I love hearing from her, but I feel like I always end up saying something that is upsetting, or don’t talk enough, or I just start crying.

She is doing well, for only being in full treatment about a week. She has made several important breakthroughs already. She wants to be with me, she wants to be close to me and have a truly happy and loving life with me. She wants to do the work to get there. I am proud of her. I support this, but God I miss her so much.

I want to be with her too, God how I want that! But a part of me says, well, maybe she will realize you are not the one she wants. Maybe you aren’t enough for her. Maybe you are too much for her. Maybe the therapists will say she shouldn’t be in a relationship at all.

This part of me is a bitch, because she says, oh she is getting so close with her roommate and she didn’t allow herself to get close to you. How’s that feel? My Girl had mentioned that she shares my messages with her roommate, to show her how loving and supportive I am. I asked her to please not share any of my cards because they are much more personal, and then I started crying because I wanted something just between us. My Girl thought I was upset with her, and asked if I felt threatened. I wasn’t upset, but I guess I did feel threatened, but I don’t understand why.

This bitchy part of me says oh her work friend keeps telling you how much she loves and misses Your Girl. That means there  is much more to their relationship than you think and she is going to steal Your Girl away.

I understand I am being irrational and have no reason to be jealous or threatened. Of course I can’t discuss it with My Girl, because I will not intentionally upset her and won’t push her backwards. I just don’t know why I feel like this.

I’m going to see her next Sunday. I’m going across the country to see her for a few hours on Sunday. I don’t care, I would do it for five minutes. That will help both of us greatly. Hopefully the bitch in me will be quiet then.

This relationship is so different than any other, for more reasons than the obvious one. I truly have never been emotionally paralyzed when I was apart from my boyfriend/husband. I ache for her. Things are not right until I am with her. It’s so strong, but I think I fear it too. I fear it will be taken away, though we have been through so much, how could it not withstand this?

I know it will, but yet my voices make me question. How do I lower their volume?

Ain’t No Sunshine When She’s Gone….

That song has been stuck in my head, especially at night, which is ironic and actually makes me smile.

“Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone
Only darkness every day
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone
And this house just ain’t no home…”

I never felt like this before. I feel lost. Lonely. Unsure. I am going through the motions… Cat time to cat time as we like to say when things are bad. Just get thru until the next time we care for our cats.

There was some good in the week, besides it is one week of this separation done. My daughter had fun at homecoming and looked beautiful, and her date wasn’t as shy as she had thought he would be. My kids and I went mini golfing and had a very close game, and I actually won for once! Had a good talk with my therapist too. And best of all I was offered a full-time position with the company I am contracting with!!!

I texted these things to My Girl, even though she can’t read them. I left messages. I told her quickly in the few minutes she has been able to call. But I can’t see her face, or have a congratulations hug. How I miss that. She is so affectionate and it’s hard not having that visual affirmation or physical touch.

I think she is beginning to make progress. She has full days of many different types of therapy for body and mind. She is comforted by the people with similar thoughts. But it is hard to not have tv, or music, or her phone to distract her mind.

I miss her. I hate not being able to talk to her and not knowing when I will talk to her again. Her oldest friend and brother don’t help me much. They haven’t really asked how I am doing in all this. At least her brother thanks me for any updates I give him. I guess I should just remember they are men after all and not as emotional. She has said she really only wants to talk to me. I get it, they mean well but would probably upset her without really meaning to by being insensitive.

I didn’t talk to her tonight, so that’s probably why I am so sad. I feel too scattered to even know how to end this, so guess I will just say goodnight.

“Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone
It’s not warm when she’s away.” I can’t wait to have sunshine again.