Just Words

“And I’m thinking ’bout how people fall in love in mysterious ways…” – Thinking Out Loud by Ed Sheeran

Beautiful words in a beautiful song. I relate to Ed Sheeran’ s words, it is like he is writing to me to help me understand how I feel about My Girl. Like he is telling me it is ok to be in love with her even though she and her world are mysterious to me, and not what I thought I would ever want or need.

I have always loved words, and writing, and reading. Being an only child growing up in a neighborhood with older people there was not much for me to do outside, and of course there were no electronic devices or Internet to play with. After growing bored with Barbies or puzzles, I would read or write sappy poems or just write stories.

So it is appropriate that My Girl is also a lover of words. She has written a blog for years, and a co-worker found it and shared it and I was instantly in awe. She has such a talent for writing, and it seemed that I was actually with her seeing what she was writing about. I think now I actually fell in love with her then. I would be so excited and happy to get the notification that she had blogged. I would eagerly read the post and be sad when I reached the end. I felt like I could relate to her, like she was talking to me.

Years passed and I decided to start my own blog. I was still following My Girl but she had been unable to write for some time, yet I still looked for her. I couldn’t bear to unsubscribe. Then somehow she saw an old post I had liked and she read my blog to see what I was about, and followed me! I still remember that day, and how happy it made me that she followed me! It was such a pure joy, a feeling of connection that I didn’t understand but felt right.

Then she eventually contacted me through my contact page, and again I would have such tremendous joy to see her name in my email. We began to email, at first every few days, but eventually daily. We also both told each other things we couldn’t believe we were sharing, things we had never told anyone. We were amazed at how much we had in common. Then she shared with me that she prefers women and I said so what. And we continued writing, and becoming closer, and falling in love, though I didn’t yet know, or more honestly, didn’t yet admit that’s what it was, and I didn’t think about what her preference meant. I had not even seen her yet, it truly was the power of just her words that pulled me to her.

I don’t know exactly when I fell in love. I know that all I wanted to do was write to her, to “be with her” and enjoy the level of communication that I hadn’t had in years. Then somehow we got into a conversation where she implied how she felt about me and it freaked me out. I didn’t prefer women. I wasn’t looking to have an emotional affair. I tried to keep her as my email friend and she wanted no parts of it and we had an argument and it seemed like she was going to stop writing me. I felt such panic at the thought of not having her in my life, even if it was only through words. Her words were comforting and loving and beautiful, and just for me, and I needed them. The panic of losing her made me admit I had strong feelings for her. It wasn’t just so she would stay with me, it was honestly how I felt. I couldn’t bear the thought of being without her now that I had finally ” found” her.

Our lives are complicated and distance is keeping us apart for now. She fears that her words are not enough to keep me in love with her, and I fear that I can’t find the right words to express how deeply I feel for her and reassure her. All we have right now are words in email letters. If words are the only way she can be in my life then I would rather have letters with her than a blank page without her. Our words are our mysterious way of falling in love, and I very desperately need them to hold onto until I can have more than her words. I love all of her, not just her words.

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