“All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another.” – Anatole France
I have decided that I need to make a huge change and leave my stable marriage to a man to be with a woman, living as sexually fluid and forging a new path to happiness.
I am going to try and wait until after the New Year to make this change. I feel like that is the kindest thing I can do for my family, yet it is also selfish because I am already hurting enough and can’t bear knowing I took the last good Christmas away.
I am hurting because I am dying in this life I have known for nearly 20 years. I am leaving behind stability and familiar. I am hurting because he doesn’t have any idea of what I am about to do and so he is planning random things or doing nice things for me. I am figuratively dying but still unable to stop worrying about hurting someone else and put myself first. I wonder if it was reversed if he would worry so much about hurting me.
I try to be removed from him as much as possible, because I am tired of thinking that I won’t be here when he plans this for the house or that for the family. I am tired of pretending when people are with us, knowing that I am not the happy wife they think I am. I am tired of hearing his plans. Mostly I am tired of him not noticing that I am not the same, that we have drifted so far apart that we can’t see each other anymore. I’m tired of being unhappy.
I am hopeful that these next 6 weeks the melancholy of change and dying to my old life will turn to excitement as I enter a new life, as I change to begin living.