My Two Truths

“Every truth has two sides; it is as well to look at both, before we commit ourselves to either.” – Aesop

Because I have decided to try and grit my teeth and pretend nothing is wrong until after the new year, I have plenty of time to think about what I am going to tell my husband.

My truth is I am unhappy and have been because we have grown apart and I do not wish to stay married. I am struggling with which side of the explanation of my truth is the kindest to tell him. One is a “standard” truth that he will understand yet might have false hopes of reconciliation, and the other is unusual and will not be understood, but will immediately and forever end our marriage.

The standard truth is that we have drifted apart and that I am not in love with him anymore. I do not wish to stay married because I don’t think he can meet my emotional needs, and I don’t feel passion or intimacy with him anymore.

The unusual truth is that we have drifted apart and I have found myself in love…with a woman. I do not wish to stay married because my sexuality has become fluid but I assume will solidify into a different preference. Although my relationship with My Girl has not been physical, I feel things for her that I have never felt for a man and I don’t think I can live without that intensity of emotion.

I feel that the unusual truth is a much more accurate truth, but it will bring greater heartache for me. My husband is not tolerant of gay people, and therefore will become very judgemental. He might ask was our whole marriage a lie? Will our children be gay now? Was he really that bad that I “turned” into a lesbian? No, I was happy for most of it. Maybe but it’s not because of me and so what if they are? And no, I haven’t turned into a lesbian, I just happen to suddenly love a woman but am unsure if I am gay or just slightly less straight.

It makes me sad that I feel like I have to err on the safer side of the truth and go with the standard reason. I have not yet talked to a lawyer so I do not really know what my state’s custody laws are regarding same sex relationships. I hope he would not try to use my sexuality against me, but sadly anything is possible.

I guess if it makes this breakup a little easier for me, it’s ok to focus on just one side of my truth. The other side is still true even though it isn’t immediately revealed.

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