True Colors

“Find your true colors.”  ~ Adult coloring book slogan

Today I was in a craft store and as soon as I walked in I looked above my eye level and saw an adult coloring book that was all butterfly pictures.  I skimmed through it to see the designs, though why I don’t know, because I knew I would buy it.

Since my mom passed, I have seen butterflies where there should not be butterflies, like on the highway in front of my car window yet it doesn’t become a casualty.  Or on a windy day.  One even landed on me while I was gardening and then vanished as quickly as it appeared.

Butterflies work so hard to change from the ugly worm and break free of their cocoon. But once they break free, and their wings dry they flutter their beautiful colors throughout the world they live in.  Their true colors, and they are beautiful no matter what their colors are.

It’s funny that True Colors by Cindy Lauper was one of my favorite songs growing up, with the lyrics, “True colors are beautiful like a rainbow…” and of course rainbow is the symbol of LGBT.

Before I wrote this I read my other posts and it was interesting to see that I had written I had accepted that my true colors are not what I thought they were and I had tried to make myself stronger by finding pins and reading articles and whatever else. But then I felt like a fake since I have not yet gathered the courage to leave my husband though I am in a very sad, dark place living with him and his denial. If I can write it why can’t I live it?  Who am I lying to?

If I am telling the world I am OK with the kind of butterfly I am becoming, and that I don’t care what anyone thinks, why aren’t I listening to myself? Why haven’t I left, why am I still considering his feelings?

I guess I just haven’t broken free of my cocoon yet. I am impatient and easily frustrated because it seems I take two steps forward and ten steps back. I am so tired of struggling against my cocoon. While I am sure it happens that some butterflies don’t complete their struggle out of the cocoon, I am hopeful that I am not one of them. I need to be free, no matter how hard it is. I am hopeful that one day soon I will break free and show my true, beautiful, and new colors to the world. That I will one day flutter happily in my new world and be ok with myself for it.

 

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