“Your pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding.” ~ Khalil Gibran
There are always painful events in your life, events you wish you could forget immediately, or at least become better equipped to withstand the deluge of random emotion.
And it seems preparing to divorce is the motherload of random emotion.
I have been on a hellish emotional roller coaster lately. I have tried to be kind to my husband because I do understand the bomb I have (repeatedly due to his denial) dropped on him is rather difficult to cope with. I have tried to co-exist though it is hurting me more watching his cycling between depression and denial. I have listened as he has told me that God will forgive me for my sins. I will devastate my children and put them on the street because we can’t afford to raise them in separate homes. I can’t be a lesbian because we had children and because I enjoyed sex with him. I can be fixed if we go to therapy. I broke our vows which he did not, he meant them. I listened and felt guilty because I caused this pain. Then somehow I would find something to be happy about and something random would send me back to guilt, despair, and weakness.
Sunday he decided to “talk” or rather yell at me that he couldn’t believe I was doing this after 19 years! He couldn’t believe that I was thinking about myself! He couldn’t believe that I let him talk about plans for the renovations he wanted to do! He couldn’t believe that I was refusing to tell him how or when I met “this woman who is telling me what I want to hear and breaking up our marriage!” And I couldn’t believe I yelled back and told him that yes, I guess I was selfish but I was tired of being such a miserable person, that I was tired of being number 10 on his priority list! I yelled that it didn’t matter how or when I met her, he wouldn’t listen or believe me anyway. I didn’t mean to develop feelings for her but I did and he couldn’t love me like that and I couldn’t love him like I love her! I yelled I couldn’t believe he kept making me say the reasons why I wanted to leave him.
And then about an hour later, what has really been the one thing that has somewhat kept me strong, he resorted back to denial and said, “Honey, the kids want to go out to eat, is that ok?” He completely blew off everything I said and acted like nothing was wrong. He made me feel like nothing I said mattered. I’m sorry, but wanting a divorce is not something that should just be allowed to flow off anyone’s back, I don’t care how Zen you are! When he does that I know he will never change. If he doesn’t want to hear it, or talk about it, he won’t. And I can’t go back to not expressing myself and not being heard.
I was feeling pretty strong and guilt-free Sunday night into Monday morning. Then the Tsunami of random emotion hit me when he emailed me to apologize and tell me he gets it now. He tells me he would “allow me to move on.” At the time I didn’t read that carefully. Now that angers me…he will allow me? Well that’s great to know, and the main reason I want this divorce is because I am tired of feeling like I have no say in my life and that what I want and need really doesn’t matter to anyone!
But Monday morning, I read it as he was done fighting me, that he understood I wasn’t happy and finally, he wanted to try to make me happy even if that meant it wasn’t with him. I felt relief, and guilt that I felt relief, and such unbearable sadness that my familiar, comfortable straight life with him was coming to an end. I really could see nothing else but grief. I wondered what I had done and sobbed throughout the day. I completely shut down and got lost in the pain. I even hurt My Girl because I couldn’t think of anything but my overwhelming sense of loss, I couldn’t even talk to her kindly and show her affection. She has done so much for me and I couldn’t even tell her I looked forward to her touch in the future. And the pain of hurting her swept me away and I despaired that I could never be happy now. Why should I be happy, I was hurting everyone I loved. This pain was almost as bad as the day I became a motherless daughter.
I got through Monday, and was numb most of today. And then suddenly I began to shift. I read a lot of quotes about change and strength. I read some articles about the stages of divorce. I read another blog on WordPress that could have been written by me. And I began to understand. My shell has grown pretty thick during my 46 years, and so I guess it would take a significant amount of pain to break through it. I understand now, that I don’t fit in this straight shell anymore, and that it’s ok to put on another, even if everyone else thinks my old shell fits just fine. I understand that I matter, that I deserve to be happy even if the way I find happiness isn’t understood by anyone else.