“The pain you feel today is the strength you feel tomorrow.” ~ Unknown
Forgive me as I don’t know where I am going with this, I just need to write.
As I scoured Pinterest looking for quotes, I found a few that made me cry, and a few more that made me feel a tiny better, and then this one, where my first thought was “well fuck, I will be a Superhero then!” I figured if I could make myself laugh from the basement of misery house, that was what I needed to write about.
So after my husband’s implication that I don’t have a heart, I came to the decision that I needed to tell him today that I couldn’t co-exist until April like he wanted me to. I needed to tell him I was even more miserable than I have been and that I was afraid of my mental state becoming unfixable. I am sick and tired of being sick and tired. I hit my emotional rock bottom I guess.
I practiced what I would say all week. Today for a few minutes after the Universe sent my kids elsewhere and gave me the opportunity to talk to him I tried to talk myself out of it. Then I binge pinned all kinds of quotes talking about how hard leaving is but it won’t suck forever and talked myself back into it. I started helping him fold laundry and just blurted it out, and it was nothing like I planned to say and was so painful and awkward and heartbreaking. I wondered why I had bothered practicing at all!
His response was to tell me now isn’t a good time to sell the house. Which led to how much he is paying to have the kids on his insurance, forget about it being his idea because his company has a better plan. Then more discussion of all the things of our lives that this would affect. What furniture would I take? What about the cell phone package? What about practices and events and getting our son on the bus every morning? He can’t believe I just dropped all this on him and never told him there was a problem, and that I won’t give him a chance. What about the big picture?????
The big picture is too much for me to look at. Believe me, I have tried to look at the big picture but I can’t. It’s too terrifying right now.
Even though it felt like it was killing me, it did give me a tiny bit of hope that this was the right thing to do since he never once acknowledged how I felt, that again my feelings were way down on the priority list. I told him I have tried to be as kind as possible and consider everyone throughout all of this and that there was nothing left for me and he told me it was ridiculous to feel that way. He didn’t believe I had tried to be kind at all.
I get this is a huge thing to drop on him. I get he can’t make sense of it at all. I barely can! If he had said these things to me I would be just as surprised and upset. But I would be more worried about us, than things that can easily be replaced or figured out later when we aren’t consumed by emotional tsunamis. I would never tell him his feelings were ridiculous or not the most important concern, I would never make him feel like he makes me feel. Like he has made me feel for years.
He sobbed and yelled and again ran down all the ways my reasons for leaving will completely devastate our children, how selfish I am, how none of this makes any sense. Then told me he hopes I won’t bad mouth him, he wants joint custody, oh and (to put it a little more nicely than he did,) two women raising his children wasn’t his ideal way. He told me I am going through menopause (not yet!) and that I am having a mid-life crisis.
I just looked at him in disbelief at his lack of attention to my feelings and he asked why must I look at him so meanly. Sigh. When I started to cry he threw his hands up in frustration and went out for the evening. I was numb and didn’t really care. I just wanted to be done talking.
This really did not come easy for me. In fact these have been the second hardest days of my life. I still have to tell my children tomorrow and leave next weekend. And then I will still have the fallout as all the people who feel they have a vested interest in my marriage tell me I am an awful human being for doing this. I will lose friends and all of my family by marriage, which sucks because my blood family is either passed or might as well be. But it is what it is. I had to do this to find my happiness, to find me. I own it, no matter what happens. I made my own decision and that’s a very big deal.
But the pain storm won’t last forever, nor will it kill me. I have already done what I feared doing and started changing my life. Now I just have to keep going, and believe that eventually the storm will pass.