“Well, you criticize my numbers, you hammer out the rules
wait for me to fuck up, and find yourself some proof
and I’m done
Oh whoa, I’m done.
You just soak in the hatred of a sorry line
yeah, you hide behind decorum and a fake smile,
and I’m done
Oh whoa, I’m done
And you can drag me out before a judge in authority
if that’s what you have to do to feel like you can punish me
but I can’t, I can’t, I can’t, I can’t keep the peace anymore… ” ~ Done by Frazey Ford
I realized this weekend that no matter what I do or don’t do, or what I say or don’t say, I just can’t make everyone happy. I also realized that maybe I can’t end this marriage kindly no matter how much I want to. I have let go of the guilt.
I have tried to talk to him, I have tried to ignore that my feelings are not considered, I have tried to explain away his cruelty in many ways for years…. And I’m done trying now. I have lost all joy and I am dying inside and I am done being miserable.
All weekend I was yelled at and berated for things beyond my control, that actually he created the problem by not telling me correctly or doing something he promised he would do, and now I am done. I was berated for being late to a game he told me started at 12:30 when it was 12:15 and then for getting lost going to our daughter’s tournament when he forgot to leave his car with GPS for me and take mine and texted me directions he said were “perfectly clear.” Yeah.
Then when I am frustrated and upset that I missed the first game he decided to inform me I have been so hateful since I told him I was leaving when he has been completely civil and he has given up all hope of having a life with his wife, but we aren’t going to argue about it now and hung up. So berated and dismissed, as usual.
But though I put things off and pretended through the holidays and considered my children’s feelings and sport tryouts and waited even longer, and caused myself great stress and sank into near depression, and lost weight and couldn’t sleep because of it all…. I am being hateful to him. Well what about the years he was hateful to me????? Whatever.
I really don’t care anymore. My daughter has tryouts this week, next weekend I am telling them and then moving by the first weekend in April. It will suck for awhile but it’s time to take care of me.
As Red in The Shawshank Redemption says as he is finally released from prison and he ponders committing a crime to go back to the familiar life he knows, but then decides to go toward a free but unfamiliar life, “I can get busy living or I can get busy dying.” I am finally ready to get busy living. I’m done dying.