Waiting

“The waiting is the hardest part.” ~ Tom Petty & the Heartbreakers

I’m tired of waiting.

I’m waiting to find out if I can rent an apartment. Waiting to have two difficult conversations, one a reminder that I’m not bluffing and the other changing the world as my kids know it. Waiting to move and start dealing with the news spreading. Waiting to find out who are true friends and who are not. Waiting to feel creative again. Waiting to get off this damned emotional rollercoaster and get to the other side of pain and guilt and sadness. Waiting to be happy.

See the problem with waiting is you have time to think. And it’s not the “oh this is an amazing thing you are doing, fighting for what you want and need, it will be well worth it!” kind of thinking. Oh no. It’s the “what the fuck are you doing, you are hurting everyone you love for no reason, you can’t do it now at your age, you are a jerk!” kind of thinking. And that’s difficult for me to handle.

Yesterday I felt peaceful and calm, and excited that I was applying for an apartment. I could see the light at the end of this darkness. I was hopeful. I spent the day recharging. I was alone most of the day and I colored, played on my Kindle and read, and just was.

Then today I woke feeling slightly melancholy. Perhaps the cool, rainy day affected my mood. Or perhaps I was on edge, tired of having to go into another room to be away from Husband and hoping he wouldn’t want to talk, tired of his constant chatter and denial. I don’t know. I’m just tired.

Then I went grocery shopping but first stopped at a department store, wanting to buy something for my apartment to cheer me, but I couldn’t decide what color I would want for any room. That was depressing. I found a pretty lavender scented candle that was three layers of purple and bought that just because I liked it, and thought soon I won’t be able to afford $5 for a random item I didn’t really need.

Then I went to the grocery store and thought soon I will not be able to be so carefree with what I buy because I will have a tight budget for awhile.

I have tried to be kind to myself these last weeks, so I was wondering why I was torturing myself being so negative. I’m still waiting for the answer.

I can’t wait until all this is over, and the good days are the majority again.

Waiting truly is the hardest part.

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