“Focus on how far you’ve come, not how far you have to go.” ~ Unknown
The fear that crept in yesterday is finally subsiding, it put up a hell of a fight and has left me suddenly exhausted. I wanted to go to bed two hours ago! Actually this whole transition time has left me exhausted, and I am not in the clear yet, but I can’t think about that. That’s my problem, I worry too much about what could happen and all the things I have to do, how far I have to go.
Sometimes I randomly feel like looking for certain articles about whatever I am stressing about….women leaving men for women, divorcing without guilt, fear of moving on, how to be kind to myself…etc, etc, etc! I like to think my mom is helping me find these articles. And usually they do help me come back from hot mess to lukewarm disarray. It will be awhile until I am cool orderly again. That’s to be expected I guess.
So today I looked up fear of moving on and one article said to make a list of everything I could think of that I survived and/or accomplished, and don’t judge the list, just write whatever comes to mind. The list will show you what you have done and gotten through to give you strength to believe in yourself and your ability to move forward. A few were obvious like giving birth twice without drugs and surviving my mother’s unexpected and too early passing. Others were not quite so obvious like trying out for high school plays even though I had never had experience and getting a small part. I tried to go back as far as I could remember and listed them generally chronologically.
To my surprise I listed 20, and 14 were accomplishments and 6 were survived. Only 6! And then I noticed something…all 14 accomplishments were things I decided to do, or came from my effort/work in the situation and all 6 survived were things that other people did that I couldn’t control!!! And yes, telling Husband I was unhappy and love a woman is on the list.
Talk about an empowering moment! I was very proud of myself at how many good things I had listed.
And then I realized something else. All but one survived, my mother’s passing, had a never associated with it. After my first love broke up with me I was never going to love again. Then I ran into my high school crush and eventually married him. After that divorce I was never going to get married again but I did. You get the idea. Actually I tell myself that nothing is worse than becoming a motherless daughter, and if that didn’t kill me nothing else can.
So when I told myself I never would, I was lying to myself because I eventually did. All 6 of my survived were difficult and painful, and eventually I got through them, and I will get through this too. I have come so far, and I really don’t have that much farther to go.
I believe in myself. By this time next year I will add a few things to my survived list.