Happy Easter and You Suck!

“I don’t want to fight on Easter but…” ~ Husband

Too many emotions today to narrow down to find a better quote! I am hurt, sad, angry, anxious, dreading, and lonely.

We had an egg hunt…of which I took care of getting the stuff to fill eggs and baskets because Husband “didn’t think of it in time” and then hid eggs last night while Husband slept on couch. I also bought cards for kids and one for him from them, but he couldn’t be bothered to buy one for me from them.

After breakfast we all scattered to different rooms, which is the norm lately. Husband found me and asked if I was going to his parents’. I said well it would look weird if I didn’t especially after her friend’s comment. He said he had talked to them and told them “stuff is going on” and he doesn’t want it awkward for him so maybe I should be sick. Oh well then why did he ask if I was going???

Then he says he didn’t want to fight me on Easter, and then proceeds to tell me how much I absolutely suck, though he didn’t actually say that at least. He tells me again he doesn’t understand how I can walk away from 19 years and our wonderful children. How I never told him we needed to talk and fix us. How he doesn’t understand why I am talking to some person, or not talking to her as I claimed and he hopes I am not lying to him, and she is telling me enough to make me up and leave. How he pays so much for the kids and my leaving will make us all suffer and we will be broke. How I should have gone to individual therapy because I am confused about so much. And lastly, how we have been co-existing and it has all been just fine, I am around more and seem slightly less unhappy. And then like he usually does, he threw his hands up in the air and walked away, dismissing me and ending the conversation. Oddly though I was relieved that I didn’t have to go face my in-laws and pretend all is well, though I worry too much will be made of my absence though Husband assured me they wouldn’t say anything.

So I told my kids I suddenly didn’t feel well, and my sweet son said he would ask Daddy if they could come home early so I wouldn’t be alone too long. 😦

And now I am laying in bed, alone, feeling everything at once and trying to find the positive that will pull me out of the darkness that I created. My inner kind voices have gone quiet, because the hateful voices have had power too long to be dulled easily. I pray that each day I get through gives me the strength to one day turn off the hateful voices completely.

Divorce sucks no matter who initiates it. But I am NOT a bad person! Maybe one day I will actually believe that. 😦

 

 

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