Wish I Could Skip Ahead

“Procrastination makes easy things hard, hard things harder.” ~ Mason Cooley

So it’s the weekend. I have been dreading this particular weekend. I wish I could skip ahead to Monday…better yet…a year after the divorce has been over with and we have gotten used to our new family dynamic. But…No such magic button exists.

Tomorrow I am telling my children, and I can only imagine it will be awful, tense, and heartbreaking. In this case I would much rather be the Dumpee than the Dumper, because it would be so much easier to hear the painful words instead of saying them! My mom guilt has overwhelmed everything else. I am going to ruin my son’s birthday. I am going to ruin my daughter’s concentration in volleyball. I am going to affect their school days. I am going to make them a statistic. I will make it uncomfortable for them to be around me. I want it to be over.

It has already been put off once. I could easily wait just a few more weeks until after my son’s birthday. And then until volleyball is over. And then what….what would come up next? If it is hard now, it will not get any easier the longer I wait. Will I really help myself by putting it off, will it really help them? No of course it won’t, it will make it worse and I will wish I had just done it and got it the hell over with when I planned to.

Plus, Husband is being passive aggressive again. Last night he said he was glad I wasn’t moving today on top of his company moving to a new building, he wouldn’t have to remember both awful events at once. Tonight he wouldn’t allow our daughter to go to a trampoline facility where she could get hurt and not be able to play volleyball that we have invested a lot of money in. That didn’t go over well! While I agreed I did not have the energy to get involved. We were at a buffet, and he followed me to the food tables, and kids were at the table and he says to me that of course he couldn’t tell her the real reason she can’t go is that we have something to tell her. Seriously???? WTF! I said,”Well thanks for that now!” and he didn’t respond.

I’m tired of him acting like I am the bad guy. I’m tired of him moping and being passive aggressive and acting like he is the only one hurting. And even though this will be hard, I can’t procrastinate with my life anymore. If I keep putting off the pain, it will be even longer until I am happy again.

 

 

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7 thoughts on “Wish I Could Skip Ahead

    1. Yes you are right BLT, I may be over thinking. My son for sure suspects something. I heard these words myself though they were unkind. I have been practicing, and will put it all on me and assure them it’s not their fault and I will still be in their lives and hope for the best. If not tomorrow then another day. That’s all I can do.

      Liked by 1 person

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