“I don’t know how I feel right now.” ~ Brandy Norwood
I feel like Saturday was one of those dreams that you go crazy thinking is real and you can’t quite convince yourself that it was really a dream.
Kids have not said a word to their friends as far as I can tell, because I haven’t gotten any calls or texts from the parents that know me wondering what happened.
Husband is telling me I can start packing a box and is pulling out random things he doesn’t use and seems surprised when I say I didn’t really think I was ready to pack in front of the kids yet. He is also saying things like I can come eat dinner with them, he doesn’t want to be weird about it, and he wants to help me get beds and I can take the recipe box as long as I copy his favorites for him.
Am I ungrateful for not appreciating that my kids seem fine and Husband is not fighting/begging me to stay anymore and things are amicable? Or am I confused because this is not how a divorce is supposed to be? My parents’ marriage did not end well, and neither did my first marriage though he wanted it he fought me on everything. My experience has been that divorce is ugly and not openly discussed, and a very painful time. I don’t know how to experience a friendly divorce and it makes me even more confused.
I feel ridiculous complaining that Husband is being decent, but I don’t know how to deal with how I feel about it! Does he not care? Is he just stifling his emotions to appear stronger? Is he secretly relieved I am leaving? I feel like he shouldn’t be so kind, that I don’t deserve the kindness since I broke his heart. I feel like he is rushing me out the door almost. I feel sad that no one else seems upset by my leaving anymore. I feel like I am still invisible.
Maybe I am overthinking it all. Why can’t I just be grateful for what is right now, why do I constantly fear the worst? Why do I feel bad that things are not ugly and unkind?
Sigh. I know next month I will be kicking myself for not enjoying this peace more. I hate that I am like this, so up and down and all over the place with my emotions. Why can’t I just learn to be?