Still Confused

“Grief is perhaps an unknown territory for you. You might feel both helpless and hopeless without a sense of a ‘map’ for the journey. Confusion is the hallmark of a transition. To rebuild both your inner and outer world is a major project.” ~ Anne Grant

The last two weeks have been odd. I’m still on the emotional rollercoaster but the hills are not as steep and I don’t seem to be descending at such a terrifying speed, which I guess are good things. I realize I am in transition now, preparing to leave the life I had for 19 years, and I am still thinking too much about how others feel and not enough about how I feel. I am still thinking I don’t deserve to have things go so smoothly, I don’t deserve to be happy when I hurt my family so unexpectedly. I don’t know how an amicable divorce is supposed to be, it’s not my experience that such a thing exists! I just can’t get past the thought that I am doing it “wrong.” I feel guilty and confused and worried and terrified all at once.

I have started making plans for my “new” life, setting up new bank accounts and switching my direct deposit and packing….trying to not be in my family’s face with it all, and then I get in trouble because I ordered something online and had it shipped to my apartment instead of the house.

Then I am asked if I want the old patio table and he will help me take it over to my place. He says the apartment is nice and he is glad I am on the second floor.

Then I am told that during the summer our children will absolutely not be alone during the days at my apartment, but I am welcome to pick them up after I get off work….and when I said WTF, that’s not fair and not anything like I have been trying to discuss, he tells me I am being obnoxious. Oh and did I mention he works all day too?

Sigh.

And on and on back and forth that it seems as if sometimes I am the only grownup living in this house, or sometimes he thinks he is the only one.

Then on top of the confusion of daily interactions with Husband I am worried about my children and how upset they will be when I am not here, when it becomes “real.” My daughter has asked questions and gone shopping for sheets, yet she has not talked to any friends or teachers. My son asked if there is a pool and has not said anything else. I have offered to take them to a therapist but both refuse. I am worried they are putting on a brave face and that their father will not handle them “gently” when that day comes. I am worried they will think I have left them and I will lose them.

I try to stay in today but it is hard. I have always been a worrier, and it got worse after I had to make all the decisions about my mother when I had no idea what she wanted. I second guess everything now, and dread, and obsess and drive myself crazy.

I hope it gets easier soon. I hope I can one day not spend so much time worrying and just be happy in today.

 

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