“Oh, I am very weary, Though tears no longer flow; My eyes are tired of weeping, My heart is sick of woe.” ~ Anne Bronte
Yesterday Husband asked me what’s wrong, after he asked if I was moving out next Sunday “or what.” The short answer was that I am very sad about this and not sleeping and exhausted, to which he reminded me that we could have tried to work it out and he’s sad about that too so….
Yes Husband. I know. Making it all about you brought us here in the first place!
So the even shorter answer is Everything! Everything that could possibly be wrong is, so much so that I surely must have taken on someone else’s woes.
In no particular order:
1. It’s almost May, and that starts three months that each have painful reminders that my mom is gone: Mother’s Day, her birthday, and her anniversary. May, June, July. At least they are successive so they are over sooner. I will be 90 and still mourn her.
2. I chose to leave my Husband of 16 years, who I have been with for 19, and our two children. It was a very difficult decision, but I was very unhappy and tired of not being listened to and treated like my feelings didn’t matter and like a child. Sounds so ridiculous written down. Really Flutter, that’s all you got?
3. I feel guilty that I am leaving. I am now going to be divorced twice when I promised myself never again. I hurt my family, I gave up, I broke my vows of for better or for worse. I am selfish and didn’t appreciate what I had, it wasn’t so bad. He didn’t cheat or physically abuse me, I could have had it much worse.
4. The person that made me aware of how unhappy I truly was can’t be with me right now. Maybe not ever again. The pain is crushing.
5. I have never supported myself more than a few months and it is absolutely terrifying that in a week I will be fully on my own figuring out how to pay for life alone. I am ashamed that at 46 I really don’t have a clue about being on my own.
6. I can’t sleep from the stress and I am worried about my health.
7. I worry that my kids seem fine but will fall apart when I am not here and their father will not be kind to them and help them. I worry they won’t want to see me and then I will have no one.
8. I don’t have a support system. I have no blood family that care, and few friends, and I have only told my boss and the lady I volunteer with at the pet store. I have a benefit through my job that allows three free therapy sessions and hell yes I will take advantage of it!
9. Now with #4, this blog seems stupid. I have no reason to try to figure out my label now!
10. I feel I am looking at two paths that are both clearly marked “extremely rough conditions ahead, proceed with caution” and I have no idea which is the least difficult to traverse. I have no idea if they will ever become smooth. I have no idea if I will ever be happy on either path. Yet I must choose one to move forward.
My body and soul hurt from my weeping. I am weary of this difficulty, this sadness, this everything.