“Mental wounds not healing, Life’s a bitter shame. I’m goin’ off the rails on a crazy train.” ~ Ozzy Osbourne
Yeah I must be crazy using heavy metal lyrics. Anyone who knows me in real life would never believe it was me, I don’t like heavy metal. But I digress.
Wouldn’t it be great if there was a time machine that you could get into when your life sucks ass and you could skip ahead until it was good again? Sigh.
So in five days I have suffered through shock, crushing grief, rage, confusion, distraction, insomnia, guilt, insecurities, second guessing, loneliness, stress, and blessed numbness for a second before it all starts again. And this weekend I am moving out, which means even more of the emotional rollercoaster to come. Hooray!
So of course I had to torture myself by reading two articles on MSN: the five stages of grief and 25 cute ways to say I love you. As if I really needed or cared about either right now!!!! The grief article was bad because I realized I’m so “lucky” that I get to experience the stages twice, and even more fun I am not at the same stage at the same time for the two relationships I am mourning!
The love article was bad because, well it was about love, when I am definitely not feeling loving toward or loved by anyone. It was all these cute photos of whatever the way was…holding hands because they squeeze three times to secretly say I love you! An open dresser so that the husband wouldn’t wake the wife by opening and closing the drawers getting dressed early in the morning! Cuteness overload that angered and saddened me, because I didn’t have any of them with Husband, and I could have had them with My Girl. And now, I won’t have them with either.
I am soon going to be much busier at work as I take on a co-worker’s tasks during her maternity leave and I can’t wait. I will be too busy to think, at least during the day, until August!!!! That will help me a little.
Husband is also frequently asking me what’s wrong and when I say I am very sad about everything he says well you could have stayed and worked it out. When I dare ask him to talk about when I will have the kids he tells me it is awful what I am doing, and he doesn’t want to talk about it because I wouldn’t stay and work it out. When I say it was awful how he treated me and had he listened and not made me feel unimportant and like a child who was always in trouble we wouldn’t be doing this he tells me yes our marriage was so awful and I had it so bad though he never cheated or hit me and I should have stayed. OMG STFU already!!!!! Is that really how he thinks he can change my mind, by pouting that he isn’t getting his way and making it all my fault???? At least I’m not the only one on this crazy train!
Supposedly my God doesn’t give you more than you can handle. He must have a crazy degree of belief in me! I sure feel like I am about to break and can barely handle what I have already! Hopefully every day really is a day closer to getting through all this anguish and off this crazy train of my life.
Hopefully I won’t lose hope too.