“You still make me smile even if you’re the main reason why I am sad.” ~ Unknown
Aren’t you lucky, you get to read my whining twice in one day! 😦 Sigh. I just feel restless, unsure, and sad.
Today I took a half day because I thought my furniture would be delivered, but they meant it would just be in the warehouse. Of course this was before my world exploded, so I had made plans with My Girl to get lunch, meet the delivery guys, and then do some stuff at her place to help her get more settled. Mostly I was looking forward to just spending time with her.
I didn’t eat lunch. I went shopping and got my shower curtain, towels, and a toaster. I wandered around the home department looking at random things and thinking how much My Girl would like this or that, and thinking that she may never see the stuff I bought and that made me sad. I thought that she isn’t really My Girl now and maybe she never really was which made me sadder. Then I had a random thought about us being silly somehow in the store and it made me smile. It was nice that she can still make me smile.
I don’t hate her, though last weekend I sure wanted to. I know some people may say well you deserve this, you cheated. But you can’t help who you love or when. I think she may have helped me leave, otherwise I would have just stuffed my feelings and went on feeling like something was missing but “not having it too bad really.” She gave me a glimpse of happiness and unconditional love, and I can’t hate her for that. I hate that I don’t know where things stand, that I can’t make sense of any of this and it hurts like someone cut all my limbs off with a rusty knife, but I don’t hate HER.
Then Husband comes home and quickly switches from kindness to bitchy to sad, and it makes me feel worse. But at least he agreed that I could have our kids on Mother’s Day as long as he didn’t have to have them on Father’s Day. Actually what he said was he wants consideration on Father’s Day since I did this awful thing he doesn’t understand, he doesn’t know why I think he is a monster.
I realized as I drove to the bank to deposit my half of our joint checking account funds, that the first five months of my 46th year have been full of very unexpected things… Some painful, some wonderful. I got a tattoo, I physically met My Girl and felt instantly at home, I decided to leave my long marriage, I realized I don’t care that I am not “like” My Girl and I am in love with someone who just happens to be a woman who prefers women, and I began to make my own choices to begin to put myself first and try to make myself happy. Then I lost My Girl, and in two days I will leave my home of 15 years. I looked into a divorce support group and a PFLAG group… Wow. Just five months since my birthday, what is to come in the next seven????
I hope it doesn’t take that long for the sadness to fade. But I guess all I can do is get through it minute by minute if I need to and hope there is something better to come. At least I am alive and my children are healthy.