Pennies from Heaven

“… when an Angel misses you, they toss a penny down, sometimes just to cheer you up, to make a smile out of your frown…” C. Mashburn

I am still sad and anxious and everything else (but happy) that I have been, but at least I didn’t cry today. I will take the smallest bit of progress that I can get!

I went to the grocery store today… And it was very strange and I spent way too much money, but better now when I actually have it I guess.

I usually like going to the store but today I didn’t. I had not planned any meals, because I am not eating much as it is and I didn’t have the energy to plan. Plus it is just me until the weekend (I guess…. Ugh!) so I don’t need much other than common staples. So I kind of wandered around not really knowing what to buy.  I did buy the store brand of sweet ice tea which was never “allowed” in my previous life, so I admit that was cool!

But I felt weird buying so much, like people were looking at me and could tell I am going to be separated and that I am trying to make myself feel better with random food.

I also took some wine coolers over to my apartment and thought the neighbors were looking at me through their blinds and judging me.

Then Husband told me he told his friend and asked if friend would help me move a few things, and I silently wondered if his friend had been judgey towards me.

Paranoid much????  Sigh. Or maybe I am realizing just how much I was questioned and controlled and it’s hard to wrap my mind around being able to do what I want, or spend what I want, when I want. And no one gets to complain about it anymore!

I was also wondering when the best time to leave would be. Both kids seem to be “whatever” about it, so I don’t know if it’s just not real to them yet or if perhaps they did sense things were off and get it somehow. But I think maybe I will wait until my son goes to bed unless Husband wants me to go earlier than that. We’ll see.

So anyway it was kind of slightly better but still a meh kind of day.

I had so many bags I just put them all on the floor and as I checked for cold stuff I moved the bag over in front of the fireplace. After I had moved them all I found two pennies on the hearth. My wallet had been in the bag but was completely closed. My wallet was closed!! They were pennies from Heaven!!!

I have always believed there is something else after this life, yet somehow had never heard of pennies from Heaven before my mom passed away. And now I get them… a lot! But usually only one. They are sometimes in plain sight and sometimes slightly hidden, and sometimes they do freak me out when they appear in a coat pocket that I know was empty! But they always cheer me.

And today, finding two pennies from my mom and maybe my other angels, gave me a moment of peace and a sense that I am not really alone and that everything will be ok eventually.

Maybe tomorrow I will have two peaceful moments, then three, then four…. And then one day I will realize I am not living moment to moment anymore.

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