Just Unsettled

No quote today. I simply don’t have the energy to decide which one is best for my thoughts.

Last night after I said goodnight and tried to spit out soothing words about always being their mom and they can call me anytime and in time we will all be more settled in this new dynamic, I left.  I don’t know how I made the five minute drive safely because it’s hard to see when you’re weeping.

As I got my little cot ready in the semi dark because I don’t have any table lamps and had to use the bathroom light,  I wished I smoked so I could sit on the porch and calm myself. I wished I had taken today off so I could get drunk and try and erase how shitty I felt for hurting my children, and for being relieved that I was away from Husband’s annoying passive aggressive comments and woe is him attitude.

Sleep didn’t come easy or stay long. Then when the alarm went off I felt a bit unsettled at not hearing my daughter stomping around or the cat meowing…none of my normal, familiar sounds.

It’s a bit ironic that I started the first day of my new life on what would have been the 24th anniversary of my first marriage… I was 22 and had such dreams of happy ever after with my high school crush, it was a great time to be young and in love and starting a new life…and then it wasn’t. And now here I am, starting over again after I swore I would never get divorced again, this time it was real and I wouldn’t go through that ugliness again. Life sure doesn’t listen to what you plan!

It was strange driving past my house and coming into this empty apartment tonight. I felt unsettled again seeing my things scattered about and having no noise because I don’t have a TV yet, and forgot my radio. I don’t feel like I belong here.

I grabbed a wine cooler and sat on the porch and just wished it hadn’t all gone down like this, if he had just listened I wouldn’t have had to hurt anyone. I wished that My Girl was still My Girl. I wished I could be out of this darkness.

And then my phone rang and my son said Mommy please come on your porch so I know where you are… And then he was running up the steps and saying surprise Mommy, give me a tour, and was in my arms and I didn’t want to let him go! Oh how that helped my heart! Of course it made me cry when he left, and when Husband called a few minutes later to report on progress of the band concert clothes shopping, we both cried when I told him that was very nice to bring our son over and thanked him.

So for a minute I was allowed to feel peace and had hope that life will go on and we will be ok. Thank you Universe for that kindness.

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