A New Emotion

“This is who I am, even if you crucify me for it.” ~ Cheryl Strayed

20 some days into my New Life. Hard to believe in a way…all the stress and build up and anxiety and now I am past all that I was dreading. It didn’t kill me. Surprisingly. And more surprisingly, I actually felt some happiness in these 20 days.

After too many days of rage and grief, I was finally able to see My Girl. And I was happy about it. We decided being over wasn’t an option, it wasn’t what she really wanted and we began to take baby steps back to each other. We spent a lot of time together, and suddenly we were back, and closer and stronger than we had been. She is still moving back home in a few weeks, but we are trying to both look at it as we are in each other’s lives “today,” even if only by email, and that is better than nothing at all, and we will be thankful.

But that thankfulness wasn’t the new emotion. Of course I feel like I can’t have too much of any positive emotion now, but I can sure as hell have plenty of negative emotions! The new emotion? Shame.

Twice over the weekend I briefly mentioned my situation, and both times it was awkward and embarrassing. So much for not caring what people think. 😦 There seems to be such a stigma when women leave. Why is that? Can’t we be in charge of our lives too?

My daughter and I did a “color run” to benefit a well known pediatric cancer foundation on Saturday. I walked with a friend I go on scrapbooking  weekends with. The last weekend was in April, but being planned right as the shit was hitting my fan. I didn’t think I would be in a place where I felt creative, and didn’t think I could hold it together and not spill my guts at the slightest non-spill-my-guts-worthy comment. So instead of telling the truth and having support, I told everyone it was my son’s birthday, which was true, and we would be having his party….which wasn’t and never happened thanks to my announcement.

So my friend asked why I missed the weekend and I said, “well it’s been a rough time and I’m not feeling it. Unfortunately, my husband and I have separated.” (On a side note, why do people preface shocking news with unfortunately? Shouldn’t we say, “fortunately, I came to my senses and got away from the negative thing I am about to surprise you with?” I don’t get it.)

She looked at me and for a second it seemed she was struggling not to judge me. Then she regained control and said she was so sorry to hear that. Then we shared awkward silence for a few minutes, and then walked the course together like nothing happened.

Then Sunday I called the parents of my son’s friend and asked if their son could play, and if they would be ok with him coming to my apartment. Another bit of awkward silence and the dad said it’s no problem but they had plans for dinner after they watched a movie. Maybe they did, maybe I am just too sensitive right now, but I felt ashamed that I had to ask, and that he paused like he didn’t really mean it.

Why was I ashamed about doing something I had to do to get out of a miserable situation? To find my truth, my happiness and myself? It affects no one living outside of the house I used to live in so why do I care what people think about it? Why was I ashamed that I wanted to be happy and didn’t want to give him another chance? I don’t know.

What I do know is I am doing the best I can with a lot of life changes at once. I am newly separated, figuring out what I want and need, and trying to do what is best for my children and me. I am in love with a woman but don’t think I am gay. I am finding my way. This is who I am now, and you can crucify me but I won’t be ashamed any more. I did not do anything wrong by deciding to stop being unhappy.

Maybe you should be ashamed for worrying about business that isn’t yours to worry about.

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