“No amount of guilt can change the past, and no amount of worrying can change the future.” ~ Umar Ibn Al-Khattaab
Sunday as I was in an airport watching planes take off, I thought how amazing planes are and that the Wright brothers would be amazed at how far planes have come since their dream to fly. I thought that they must have been seen as impulsive and maybe even crazy when they came up with the concept of flying, yet they didn’t give up on their dream, and didn’t seem to care what people said about them. And now hundreds of years later we can fly anywhere in the world. Had they given up, would anyone else have made that possible? Who knows.
I did think briefly about no one knew where I was except My Girl, and that if anything should happen it would be even more of a shock when the Husband and kids found out who I was with. But then I tried not to worry and thought that my destination was likely not a target though my departure location could be, which helped a bit.
I spent the weekend with My Girl. I actually helped her move. I know I didn’t really explain what happened with us….at the time it was too painful to share. I didn’t understand it myself, how could I explain it to you?
We have had a whirlwind relationship, yet we feel like we have known each other for years. We were each unhappy long before we knew each other, but we gave the other strength to admit to ourselves that we were unhappy and do something about it. Then she moved to my town, and we saw each other as much as we could, which generally wasn’t more than a few minutes since I had not yet separated I had to be very careful. Then she had some unexpected health issues, and she had no one to really help her, and her depression ramped up and she couldn’t cope with her health and the emotional rollercoaster of being divorced, being in a new city with nothing familiar but her cats, and not being cleared to return to work yet. She felt lost, and feared that she would fatally break under the pressure, and decided to return home to work in therapy to “fix herself.”
I was a week away from physically separating when she told me this. Of course all I heard was we were breaking up, that I wasn’t enough for her, that she hated it here with me. Which I know now was very unfair because she didn’t say any of those things. I felt betrayed that she just gave up and wondered if anything she had said was true, and wondered if I was just another straight girl who had been played by a lesbian. She told me she was trying to protect me and didn’t intend to hurt me but of course that didn’t really help me.
Somehow we never stopped contact, though I told her leave me alone, but then I would email her anyway and rage or cry or question. She always answered me even when I acted like an ass. So after a few days we became calm again and decided we needed something to hold onto, we called it a small piece of each other. We weren’t a couple really but we weren’t over either. We were “very dear friends” and didn’t say anything intimate, but it was better than no contact at all. It was still being in each other’s lives.
Then we had the opportunity to spend a lot more time together and something unexpected happened. We stopped being very dear friends and became more than that. We got to know each other better. We strengthened our bond. Crazy? Yes, but our story has always been unique so it really isn’t that crazy for us.
We decided that we each have things to work on, and that we would rather have a long distance relationship than nothing at all. Although still painful at times, it is the way it has to be so that we can have something more later.
So I moved out and we spent more time together and then I offered to help her move because she has cats and couldn’t stay in a hotel, yet isn’t supposed to drive so long. I worried for her safety and wanted to help.
So we had a 13 hour road trip, and talked and laughed and got to know each other more. Saturday her best friends brought over some things that she had left at their house and then we had a very enjoyable lunch and then dinner with them. My Girl was very happy that her two worlds and her most treasured people had merged so well.
Sunday morning we just spent time together reading various recipes or quotes or horoscopes to each other, and it felt so perfect, like all was right in the world. I can only say I felt content because I don’t know how else to describe it.
I had read a lot about women like me, and came across an article about “heterosexual privilege” that was very interesting. Heterosexual people are able to show affection publicly to their partners, and no one takes much notice because it is what is expected between men and women. So when a heterosexual woman is with a gay woman, she doesn’t think anything of showing affection in public, but the gay woman tends to be uncomfortable because she is often ridiculed, stared at or verbally confronted because it is against what society wants to see. And it is true! I felt so free because I didn’t know anyone, and My Girl was not reluctant to show affection but was not as comfortable as I was. I did notice some glances, but I truly didn’t care what people thought.
And then Orlando happened…..and at first I thought it was another horrible and senseless tragedy, but now I realize it is much more. It affects me because I love a woman. Would the shooter have given me a pass because I only love one woman and think I am still mostly straight? Would he have even cared that there is such a thing? Doubtful. It’s horrible I even have to think about it, that My Girl and I could be in the wrong place at the wrong time and then we are gone because one person disagrees with our loving each other.
Love is patient and kind, not judgemental and cruel. I hate that now I will endure things that My Girl has to, and has had to since she came out! But what are my choices….leave her and be safe from an attack because I don’t appear to be gay when I am not with her but could still be randomly attacked for being a brunette or something else crazy, or stay and love her fiercely and be happy that I am alive and happy and able to be with her today, even though it could be my last day?
I don’t even have to think about it…I choose happiness. When it’s my time it’s my time, nothing I do or worry about will change it, but I can at least have love until that moment happens.