“Seems I don’t fit in, we may be different from the rest.
Who decides the test of what is really best?” ~ Burl Ives, We’re a Couple of Misfits, Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer
It’s too bad King Moonracer only searches for misfit toys to live on the Island of Misfit Toys. I wish he would make an exception for me. I would love to live on an island with the toys that aren’t quite what they are expected to be, and be part of a community. I would love to have a label that made sense, that fit me.
My favorite Christmas show and yet I never really heard this part of the song before. And how weirdly appropriate to my life now. I don’t fit in my former straight world and am different from the rest. But I don’t feel like I fit in the gay world or the bi world either! None of these worlds are exactly mine, and it is very confusing and lonely to not know what I am and where I fit.
I should be in bed. But I have been extremely upset since the weekend. It is a horrible funk I am in. I am stressed, sad, lonely, and just flat out overwhelmed by the amount of shit on my plate right now. I have a horrible headache from weeping and from not sleeping more than two hours last night, but I felt inspired. In times of great emotional duress my creativity goes away. And that sucks because being creative with words or scrapbooks calms me. But sometimes I just can’t do it no matter how much I need to, until the upset lessens. So I thought well, I don’t know when it will return so I had better take advantage.
It was my mom’s 16th birthday in Heaven on Saturday. My kids were with their father. My Girl was busy. I was alone. At first I was ok and felt very crafty…but then I wasn’t. And a tsunami of feelings came, and flooded me with despair. I feel abandoned, rejected, but I did this to myself. I realized that now it’s like I am living the “year of firsts” again, and it’s even worse the second time, because this time I chose to be alone. Well, chose to leave my Husband. I didn’t choose to be alone, that was an unexpected twist.
I am so lost and lonely and doing two people’s jobs until August, and struggling to find joy in every day, and trying to help everyone be strong but who is helping me? No one. My friends that were his first are pretending they don’t know I left. I have only just started telling my few scrapbooking friends I left and that is better but they have their own stuff going on. My Girl is a million states away and settling back in and I feel like a burden for wanting time with her.
I know no one like me. I don’t even know what I am. I don’t know who I can trust not to judge me. I don’t know anyone who has been in this situation and made it through this hellish confusion. I don’t know what to do or expect or hope for, and I know my preference doesn’t define me and shouldn’t matter….but it does. It’s how I fit in and belong to something.
I’m starting to reconsider that maybe this is as bad as losing my mother. At least at first with the crushing emotions….and it has a label that fits me….motherless daughter. And people know what that means. No one knows what not completely straight means. No one believes me that I can be that, because it’s not what they expect me to be.
I am doing the best I can. But I was hoping to have found my footing by now, to find where I fit. To belong.