“Positive anything is better than negative nothing.” ~ Elbert Hubbard
I’m still on the emotional rollercoaster ride from hell. I’m over it and long since ready to be back on solid, stable ground. But it seems like that isn’t going to happen any time soon. I try really hard to stay in the now and be happy in today, but then someone will make a comment, or I will read something, or some other random thing and it sets me back again into sadness and guilt. And that negativity just makes it all worse.
Today ended up being a set back kind of day, so to try to calm and cheer myself I will list some random things I view as positive outcomes for this whole mess I chose to make.
1. Open windows: Until the last few days when the temps went into the 90s but feel like 100s, I have had the windows open and the ceiling fan on at night and was totally comfortable! That was never allowed from May until October at least because he would get too hot and wanted it cold to sleep.
2. Alcoholic beverages: If I go out and want a drink I don’t have to share a story with anyone about how I once got so drunk I couldn’t walk and he went to meet new friends for dinner and left me alone because he didn’t want to blow them off since he didn’t have their number and I am such a lightweight. Or if I want to drink one after work I don’t have to explain why.
3. Emptying the dryer: The other day I found towels in the dryer and had no idea when I had washed them! I just laughed and said, “Wow, the world didn’t end because I didn’t empty the dryer the second the buzzer went off, and my towels are wrinkled but who cares they will still work to dry me!!!!” He would bellow at me to come get my stuff, or mumble if he found it when he was wanting to wash something. Because it’s such a huge thing to be upset about.
4. TV: Besides being able to watch what I want, when I want, or not at all, and not have sports blasting at all, it’s fantastic to watch anything, guilty pleasure or not, and not miss half of the show because I am answering questions that he doesn’t really care to know the answers to or hear “sigh I will stop bothering you” when I nicely pause the show to listen to what he was saying! I was so inconsiderate!!!
5. Shopping: I have been buying a lot of random things for my apartment or for myself, because I want to and don’t necessarily need to. I don’t have to use my personal credit card to hide the purchase and I am not hearing “well you are good for awhile now right????”
6. Using the Dishwasher: Using the dishwasher period! He insisted it used too much water and it was a cheap model so very noisy and bothered him when he watched TV. I was allowed to use it on Christmas morning or if he wasn’t there overnight. And refer to #3, today I unloaded dishes that were washed last week! I just didn’t feel like doing it. So what?
7. Split custody: Our arrangement is every fifth day we switch. So I actually get time “off” from being a mom and don’t feel guilty! I miss them, but when they are with him I can come and go as I please, eat chips for dinner, take a nap, or just sit and enjoy peace without any comments.
8. Ice cream: Not only is there always some left for me, I don’t care if it sits in the freezer for three months! And I don’t have to buy a certain brand, or buy a certain flavor that no one else likes just so I can have some.
9. A new mattress: Although I am still not sleeping great, I am sleeping better because I am not on a mattress that is at least 20 years old!!! He felt it was still fine because it was regularly flipped and rotated and because he could sleep standing up during a loud party. Not really. But he did sleep easily.
10. Tiredness: Although not a positive in itself, I don’t hear “how can you still be tired you slept for 8 hours?!?!?” Or a snide comment that I need my beauty sleep.
11. Mother: For some reason he decided calling me Mother was endearing. It drove me crazy! “But you are a mother so…” It made me feel like an 80-year-old woman! Mom or Mommy from my kids is fine thanks!
12. Friends on my terms: No longer being told when I need to call my few friends because he can’t stand that I am introverted and content being alone. However, I have started making more of an effort with one friend who is about to leave her husband. I feel good I can support her and understand her thoughts and she gives me someone to talk to who understands. And, I told her about My Girl and she was like whatever my situation is complicated too, no judgement! (Yeah it is true there is always someone worse off than you! You wouldn’t believe it if I told you!)
I could go on. But now suddenly it seems a bit negative, so I should stop while I am “up.” Every day is another day closer to the end of this transition. If I can just keep that one positive thought every day….