“One is the loneliest number that you’ll ever do.” ~ Three Dog Night
It’s been a shitty couple days. Month. Year. I know, what’s new.
And all around me are happy couples. On Facebook my “if we ever file, soon to be ex nephew’s” fiancee is posting every day about how she is so happy with nephew and can’t wait to be his bride next June, and this is her last birthday with her current name and then even has a hash tag #foreverfiancelastname. Gag. Facebook is full of people posting how much they love their man, and they are celebrating their 1st or 10th or 30th anniversary and life is fantastic! And then there’s me. Not celebrating anything. Just mourning, again. I told a friend I wanted to get drunk and go to bed early, and I nearly did the first and could still do the second.
So I was at Chili’s eating chips and salsa and drinking strong as hell orange crushes (why I ate the chips!) and felt so out of place. I read the blogs I follow to catch up but they couldn’t hold my interest. I started writing, and then my phone died and I felt even more out of place. I don’t know how to be a party of one. That’s sad in a way.
I stopped after two drinks, but sure as hell didn’t want to! I gave the bartender a nice tip, because he was nice and maybe flirted a bit and told me he works every Monday and Tuesday and it was nice that he thought I cared, that maybe he wanted me to come back. I was wearing my company’s logo shirt and he commented that it is similar to his name. Then I told him about an April Fool’s joke we played on the boss who is the name on the logo where we got the wrong color shirts and the logo was misspelled and he thought that was funny. It was nice to laugh and be thought funny, because I sure haven’t felt funny lately.
Today I was too much and not enough and it is ridiculous to me to write that. How is it possible? What does it mean? I am too much because I need too much attention and affection, and get jealous easily. I am not enough because I am not the one to turn to when you are lonely, or sad, or struggling. I really thought I was. But not for My Girl. I am not known enough. That goes to her lifetime best friend. I can’t compete with him.
My Girl has run away from me again. My heart is shattered, again. I was supposed to visit her next weekend. Finally a happy weekend, and it was even more important to look forward to because the 23rd is the anniversary of my worst day, and finally I would be happy on that awful day! But no. Now it will be another day, alone, a party of one. The loneliest number. Can’t be with my kids, their father is taking them to the beach for a week, though he acts like he is broke.
So I have to learn to be a party of One, and find my own happiness. I don’t know how. I actually posted on social media that I was overwhelmed and needed prayers that I would find myself, strength, peace and more happiness, less mess, that my life might settle down. And already people are responding with kindness, and trying to help somehow. That makes me feel better though they can’t help ease all of my pain.
How much suffering can one person handle? How long can one person suffer? I just want to tell everyone to fuck off, I want to be left alone but I don’t. I want to be important to someone. I want to be loved as much as I love.
I don’t want to be a lonely, sad one anymore. The only one I want to be is someONE special.