One

“One is the loneliest number that you’ll ever do.” ~ Three Dog Night

It’s been a shitty couple days.  Month. Year.  I know,  what’s new.

And all around me are happy couples. On Facebook my “if we ever file, soon to be ex nephew’s” fiancee is posting every day about how she is so happy with nephew and can’t wait to be his bride next June, and this is her last birthday with her current name and then even has a hash tag #foreverfiancelastname. Gag. Facebook is full of people posting how much they love their man, and they are celebrating their 1st or 10th or 30th anniversary and life is fantastic!  And then there’s me. Not celebrating anything. Just mourning, again. I told a friend I wanted to get drunk and go to bed early, and I nearly did the first and could still do the second.

So I was at Chili’s eating chips and salsa and drinking strong as hell orange crushes (why I ate the chips!) and felt so out of place. I read the blogs I follow to catch up but they couldn’t hold my interest. I started writing, and then my phone died and I felt even more out of place. I don’t know how to be a party of one. That’s sad in a way. 

I stopped after two drinks, but sure as hell didn’t want to! I gave the bartender a nice tip, because he was nice and maybe flirted a bit and told me he works every Monday and Tuesday and it was nice that he thought I cared, that maybe he wanted me to come back. I was wearing my company’s logo shirt and he commented that it is similar to his name. Then I told him about an April Fool’s joke we played on the boss who is the name on the logo where we got the wrong color shirts and the logo was misspelled and he thought that was funny. It was nice to laugh and be thought funny, because I sure haven’t felt funny lately.

Today I was too much and not enough and it is ridiculous to me to write that. How is it possible? What does it mean? I am too much because I need too much attention and affection, and get jealous easily. I am not enough because I am not the one to turn to when you are lonely, or sad, or struggling. I really thought I was. But not for My Girl. I am not known enough. That goes to her lifetime best friend. I can’t compete with him. 

My Girl has run away from me again. My heart is shattered, again. I was supposed to visit her next weekend. Finally a happy weekend, and it was even more important to look forward to because the 23rd is the anniversary of my worst day, and finally I would be happy on that awful day! But no. Now it will be   another day, alone, a party of one. The loneliest number.  Can’t be with my kids, their father is taking them to the beach for a week, though he acts like he is broke.

So I have to learn to be a party of One, and find my own happiness. I don’t know how. I actually posted on social media that I was overwhelmed and needed prayers that I would find myself, strength, peace and more happiness, less mess, that my life might settle down. And already people are responding with kindness, and trying to help somehow. That makes me feel better though they can’t help ease all of my pain.

How much suffering can one person handle? How long can one person suffer? I just want to tell everyone to fuck off, I want to be left alone but I don’t. I want to be important to someone. I want to be loved as much as I love.

I don’t want to be a lonely, sad one anymore. The only one I want to be is someONE special.

 

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6 thoughts on “One

  1. Ah, to be young and in love. I don’t know how old you are, but I am betting you are certainly younger than me. Your problems however are younger as well and more difficult to deal with because of that.

    Let me give you a little piece of advice, love doesn’t run. What you are sad about isn’t so much the individual, but the seemingly cruel rejection. I purpose this, take a step back and look at things in a different light.

    See it as a blank page.

    Listen, you have a lot to offer someone – especially yourself.

    There’s a reason birds nest, preen, get all kinds of shiny things in order to attract a mate. They spend months, sometimes years perfecting this so why should humans be any different?

    Sit down for a moment, ask yourself this. You want to be loved, ok set that aside, what do you want five years from now? What is your number one goal? Then, after you ask yourself that, don’t answer. Instead turn it around, “What are the basic necessities that I need for myself that I can extend to someone of like mind who I will have a loving life with?”

    Who is it you want to attract? Miss. Now or Miss. Now And Forever?

    Come on. If we aren’t on the same page it’s never going to work no matter how much you howl at the moon like the lone wolf.

    You aren’t alone. After all, I’m here talking to you aren’t I? Of course I am. I am because I know what you are going through because your situation is not unique.

    Prepare yourself for the future, gather all the shiny rocks, sticks, yarn it takes to make yourself (your life) attractive to you and a potential partner. Let this dove fly away, the one who just left. Remember, there’s a flock out there and one of them is bound to take notice.

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    1. Thank you,that was really beautifully written! And caring. I’m 46 so not so young as you might have thought. Problem is I don’t want her to be my “Trigger Crush.” I don’t want anyone else, male or female. I know I should say whatever fuck off, I hate you but I can’t, I don’t.

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      1. Oh my! Not young at all, in fact four years my senior. Rejection at any age isn’t easy. That should be the lesson. But, at our age – and now I can talk to you as someone who enjoyed the Human League, Def Leopard and maybe Michael. We are at a unique age. We are too old to start over, too young to give up. We are watching our parents become feeble, entering their end of life stage where they retire and do all the things we hope to do (if we are lucky enough to be blessed with money and physical ability).

        No, do not say F* off. Say, “Bye.” What you have is special. Unique. You obviously write, you obviously have a voice that wants to be heard or you wouldn’t be online talking.

        This bird that flew off, she simply isn’t t-h-e-e-e bird.

        Listen, I don’t like people. I know that sounds awful, but it’s the truth. People lie to you, they tell you things they think you want to hear to spare you from the God’s to honest truth.

        I lack the ability to do that. If it’s sh*t, I say it is. If it’s golden, I say it’s golden.

        We should want what we have, be happy and then one day if the right bird comes to our window, we can share if it’s right. But you can’t force it, you can’t command it, in fact you can’t even lure it. Birds are funny that way. *wink*

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      2. Of course I loved all those but you forgot Rick Springfield and Duran Duran!!! 🙂 I like you Mom in Shining Armor, even if you don’t like me because I am a person not a bird, which you do seem to like. Lol.

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