“We live in a world where sort of nothing is shocking anymore.” ~ Nikki Reed
I had this idea a few weeks ago when I went to visit my former sister-in-law and she was updating me on 14 years of family drama….like I just disappeared one day and ex-husband (her brother) never said why!!!! Then he got mad that she allowed me to visit and acted like a baby and unfriended her on Facebook and is still refusing to speak to her! And that’s not even the worst of it, which gave me the idea to ponder why my loving a woman is such a big deal when clearly there are much more “shocking” things than that!
But then the emotional rollercoaster from hell picked up speed and added several twists and turns and I couldn’t write, but work was crazy busy, and I didn’t have much energy to write even if I was emotionally stronger! That at least is better as co-worker has returned from maternity leave!!!
So anyway. I was inspired to write this again after talking to someone at work yesterday. But, in order for it to make sense I have to provide more information so you understand why I am even wanting to write about it!
On the 17th anniversary of my worst day, I arrived at My Girl’s house, unannounced. I had driven over 700 miles, knowing I was taking a huge risk, but with nothing to lose and everything to gain, I didn’t care. I wanted to show her how much she meant to me, and tell her everything I was feeling. I have never done anything so crazy in my life! I poured my heart out and told her I had no expectations about her, I merely wanted to show her and tell her how I felt, and I would gladly go to a hotel and spend the weekend sightseeing alone if she didn’t want me around. And she struggled a bit with wanting to say no, but she didn’t! She allowed me to stay, and we talked and slowly over the weekend began to figure out a new normal for our relationship. We just can’t quit each other, and that upset some of our friends and may some of you, but life is too short and we both are happier together in whatever way we can be than apart and not in each other’s lives, so that’s where we are.
And that’s why I have been talking about my situation. And oddly it seems to me as if I am just blurting it out randomly, and it still surprises me that no one is surprised! The co-worker said she has friends in the same situation and loves the new partners just as much as she loves her friends!
So here’s three stories of people’s relationships. All true. After I heard these stories I realized that you can never guess what goes on behind closed doors, and that my “big news” really isn’t all that much of a big deal. There is always someone dealing with something more complicated and maybe more shocking.
“Jane” is married to “Dick” a professor at a community college. He has insisted throughout their long marriage that he wanted an open marriage. She agreed for whatever reason. He begins an affair with a student who has an awful home life and wants to get away from her household and family members. Dick tells Jane he wants to help student and wants her to move in with them. Jane somehow feels bad for student and agrees. The affair continues for a time when Jane isn’t home. Then, student decides she doesn’t want to continue the affair, but does not move out. Eventually student becomes friends with Jane, and then Jane reveals that she is tired of the way Dick treats her and wants a divorce and leaves him. Dick is furious and treats Jane even worse, making her realize she made the right decision. Jane is still friends with student.
“Sally” was married to a younger man “John” who had a reputation as a bit of a player. John liked to have wild parties with excessive amounts of alcohol. During one such party Sally realized she hadn’t seen John for awhile and went looking for him. She found him….in bed with her daughter “Sue.” Heartbroken, Sally divorced John, who then married and had children with Sue. Sally still goes to family events to be with her grandchildren, and tries to have a relationship with Sue and John even though it hurts her terribly to do so.
“Kim” married her high school crush “Dave.” Dave worked third shift, and when he wasn’t working he had a job as a personal trainer. Kim began to find phone numbers and Dave said they were clients. Kim called one and found out she was more than a fitness client. Dave said so what when Kim confronted him so she decided to divorce him since she didn’t want to have an open marriage. As they waited for the divorce to be final, Dave and his stepfather “Bill” went out alot to an after hours club. One night Dave tried to pick up a woman, and her boyfriend didn’t like that and started a fight with Dave. Bill jumped in, got punched hard and fell to the ground, hitting his head so hard he became unconscious. Bill went into a coma and never woke up. A few years later he passed away. Dave started an affair with his nurse and she got pregnant. So after his divorce was final he married her. A few years later he got divorced again. Now he is on his third marriage and new wife is forcing him to drift away from his entire family because she is so jealous. Kim remarried and had two children, but eventually decided she wasn’t happy anymore and left her husband.
So I guess I really shouldn’t be surprised that no one is shocked that I left my husband for a woman but don’t identify as lesbian or bi.
It’s hard to get past the need for acceptance though. But as I tell people and continue to get the “Ok, so?” reaction, I hope that I will become less concerned with what people think. Loving a woman doesn’t define or change who I am. It’s just the relationship I am in. Ok? So?