“Don’t overanalyze what will or could happen. Just do it and expect there to be drama with him. It’s how he communicates, and you can’t control that so why let it get to you?” ~ S, my therapist
The thing I hate about writing is if I am too stressed I can’t do it, as much as I may want and need to. The words won’t come or they sound terrible to me. Although I had a lot to say, I couldn’t find the right quote and had no energy or desire to just do it anyway. And then two months are gone and I feel shitty for not writing!
Honestly I am ready for 2016 to be over. I am so tired of all the passive aggressive antics that Husband (R from now on because I don’t want to keep writing Husband) provides nearly every day. Tired of him calling me, well our daughter actually, ten minutes before an event that will take me 20 minutes to get to, and then calling every five wondering where I am and when I will get there. Tired of him telling me things through our children and then getting angry that I asked him not to do that but call me directly. Tired of him caring what I do or buy or where I go. Tired of not sleeping. Tired of being sick. Tired of busting my ass at work and then getting ambushed and told I am not doing my job or meeting expectations when I was doing two people’s jobs all summer, with deadlines out the wazoo, while dealing with separation and custody and learning how to be alone sometimes and being ok with my life choices! Gee, sorry I forgot to do a few things I never knew I was responsible for while my life exploded!
There are a lot of things this year that I never thought I would know….besides the obvious and the reason for this blog…and one is that I would have a therapist. S is a very kind older woman, and we have just started and haven’t gotten anywhere close to the real issue of the sperm donor leaving….but she has helped me begin to get over the need for approval. She has helped me not obsess over what could happen as much, to stay in today, to deal with things when they happen.
I drove myself crazy worrying about telling R, and our children, and moving out and managing everything alone, and telling people I left R for a woman. R reacted the way I expected, but the other reactions were so much less than I convinced myself I would receive. But that didn’t stop me from worrying about telling R I retained a lawyer and was advised to stop giving him money since we share custody 50/50. I was making my life more stressful for no reason.
Then S told me to just do it, to just expect him to act difficult about it all, and get on with things. He can be upset all he wants but I can’t control that. I can only control how I react to it, but I can also be prepared for it and not give him the power anymore. What is the worst that can happen now? He files to divorce me and people see it in the paper and wonder what I did. So what. I want a divorce anyway, and the people I trust and love and cherish will know why because I will tell them. Those that mind don’t matter, those that matter don’t mind.
It’s actually refreshing to begin to let go of the what could happen and grasp the deal with it when it does mindset…to just do it and live my life no matter what happens, no matter what people think. It will be ok.