I’m Tired

“When you’re tired, it’s a sign that you’re almost at the end of your fight.” ~ TD Jakes

God I hope that is true. I am so tired, and it’s not just the physical tiredness. It’s the emotional exhaustion that is killing me, the toxic environments I am forced to be in every day. The negativity, the invisibility, the frustration of this never ending roller coaster.

But I guess getting through the days is progress.

Monday was my birthday. And when I walked in the house to get my son I saw my present from my children. My daughter hid it quickly which was very cute, but Almost Ex didn’t say anything. He didn’t text me either. I texted him on his birthday. But I guess I don’t deserve the courtesy of kindness from him anymore. Why am I bothered by that? No one in his family seems to care either. Who cared? My Girl, a couple Facebook friends, my eye doctor, a random person at work, oh and Stitch Fix. An online clothing supplier emailed me….and my husband of 17 years and father of my two children didn’t. That made me sad.

Funny, I actually started this post on Monday, and likely got distracted and then was too tired to finish it. How apt! I don’t remember exactly where I was going, but I put it in past tense anyway, and of course I am too tired to look for another quote and start over because it doesn’t feel right anymore!

Ramble much Flutter? :/

So anyway. It’s been interesting. I have barely heard from Almost Ex and while I am relieved it makes me a bit distrustful as to what is building up. My lawyer is not impressed with his lawyer, and said she is not a very timely one, which amuses me because he keeps complaining about how I made him broke and lawyers being involved will cost so much. Maybe he is quiet because “his boy Trump” won. God help us. He always said “your boy Obama” and then whatever complaint/unjust thing Obama did that Almost Ex didn’t agree with. I don’t miss that at all. But good news is the 90-day waiting period is underway.

My boss has gone crazy and now ignores me completely unless I have done something seriously wrong like remind her the day before if I have an appointment that I have to leave early or come in late for, because it looks like I have too many last minute appointments. Or yell at me for stupidly coding my credit card to corporate instead of the other office because I never knew there were other categories to code to. God I am seriously the worst employee ever! Every day I prepare to get in trouble for something, and now it’s just a job. That makes me sad too.

So I guess I just got seriously tired of all this hostility. I had a few days of extreme moods, and cried, and raged and prayed and wondered why it was so hard still! Then I began to see a lot of positive quotes, or random Facebook posts about doing what is best for you or articles about bad managers and exit interviews, or pennies from Heaven and other things I feel are signs from my mom, and I guess I was finally sick and tired of being sick and tired and my subconscious said enough is enough!

And then driving to work I made a plan. I would resign and have my last day be mid-December  when two of my deadlines are past, because I really do not want to be in a hostile work environment again, and feel like my boss is trying to push me out anyway. Take January and February to recharge and “just be,” which I can do because I suddenly had the option to cash out a previous job’s ESOP plan. My divorce should be final in February, my lease runs out in March, so I can officially start over….and move to be with My Girl. Not live with, because I need to introduce her and this different kind of relationship to my children slowly. If I live on my own it will not look like I chose her over them. There are many opportunities for jobs there, and it’s a warmer climate which I have always wanted, but I am not too far away I can’t come back quickly. And I will come visit every month and hopefully have summer custody.

It finally seems as if the Universe is on my side, and making the timing right!! I felt such peace having decided this!

For a day, then the old doubts came back…fearing the damage to my relationship with my children, the guilt, the damn unknown.

So I listened to my therapist and made a list of pros and cons for staying and moving. The pros for both were exactly the same, but the cons for staying far outweighed the cons of moving! And what was very interesting is that the pros for staying were mostly things, that except for familiarity and my kids, were not exclusive to my city, and the cons were all things I could not control, or were emotional.

Then I finally had an opportunity to go to a Parents and Friends of Lesbians and Gays (PFLAG) meeting, and they were so welcoming and helpful and kind! There is actually a member who is “like me” but she wasn’t there. They all had different stories, but all had significant difficulties on their journeys, and now they are happier and “Ok.” I cried in the car because I was so relieved to have received affirmation that I was not selfish, or hurting my children, or wrong, and that someday I would be past all this strife. Someday I would be happy with this new normal! Maybe happier than I have ever been.

Of course I asked my mom to give me a sign. When I started blogging I had an opportunity to enter a contest to be an author in a short story anthology. One author from every state would be chosen. I wanted to write about the day she became an angel, so I kind of jokingly asked her if that was ok, and if so to give me a sign, to give me a new follower. I wanted it to be clear! And before I went to bed I had a new follower. And I was selected and published in an Amazon book.

So that has always ever since been my “thing” when making important decisions. I was worried about how this would affect my kids, much like I worried about telling them I was leaving and they took it much better than I thought. Then my other blog got a new teenage follower. I took that to mean my daughter would be ok with it eventually.

Then today I got a new follower, with a butterfly in her screen name. Butterflies have so much significance to me, I took that as a “hands on her hips, you better listen” sign. 🙂

So, I am tired of worrying about what people think. I am tired of worrying about what may or may not happen. I am tired of being unhappy.

It’s time to recharge and renew.

 

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