How?

“Don’t feel guilty for doing what’s best for you.”

So of course social media is filled with posts about the holidays, how to get through them without stress, how to simplify, even how to help those who really aren’t all that happy that the hustle and bustle and commercialism is in full manic swing.

And there are tons of posts gearing up for the New Year, to motivate us to change our ways and keep our resolutions. Lots of posts about do what is best for you, don’t feel bad about taking care of yourself, don’t care what people think or say about it.

OK.  I like these quotes and articles, and I want to follow them, but how exactly do I do that? How do I stop obsessing over what is,  or more likely what is not, to come and just be in today? How do I do it for me even though it hurts like hell???

It has gotten increasingly hard since my birthday.  I struggle to write in my gratitude journal because there are only so many times I can be grateful that I woke up or that the weekend is here.  I cry almost daily.  I am not sleeping or eating much. I just feel blah. I didn’t do cards and didn’t get a tree, and just bought a few decorations that Almost Ex would have hated, and that was nice. But even that was hard for me to go against the norm.

Thank God for My Girl though how she hasn’t decided to run screaming for the hills is beyond me.  I will see her Christmas Day and that can’t come soon enough!!!

I realized that again days before Christmas I know I have to have a difficult conversation with my children, and they have no idea I am going to turn their world upside down.  I remember last year, that even though I didn’t want to be there, I was, and had a family. Now, it is like I don’t exist.  I have no other blood relatives in my life. I am alone, and I did this.

Now I am going to voluntarily give up custody during the school year and move. Yes, for My Girl, and a warmer climate, and better job opportunities. My divorce will be final by then,  and the school year almost over.  And while I know in my heart that is best for me, how do I do it???? How do I ignore Almost Ex when he tells me I am a bad, selfish mother?  How do I do it when my kids think I am abandoning them? I know I can’t stay, because then I am living for others and life is too short. I don’t belong here anymore. I want to start over, but how do I just stop caring about everyone and everything and say well this is what I am doing????

If only I could wake up and all this misery is all long over and my kids are with me and My Girl and we are all happy…please God help me get there.

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