Tuesday night after my kids left I had a random “WTF am I doing” moment, and cried a bit. Then I ate half a pint of Ben & Jerry’s. I would have eaten all of it if I had not eaten the first half Monday night. Regardless, I felt a little better after.
Yesterday I felt peaceful, which was a relief. I honestly don’t know when the last time was that I wasn’t in the future predicting how Almost Ex or kids would react to things, or stressed by my job even though I resigned last Friday. It was wonderful. I had talked to my lawyer and she agreed that we keep moving out of the discussion right now as he could try to make things difficult and his non-responding lawyer is doing that herself!
Then today I was annoyed and hurt and a bit lost. Almost Ex called and asked you know it’s Daughter’s birthday???? Oh. Is it? I truly had no idea that I had to force myself to remember the day I pushed a six pound being out of a marble hole. Geez. So I said of course, I called her earlier and sang happy birthday! And he says Oh. I was surprised he didn’t say he “was only trying to help geez” like he always does and tell me I am hateful. So there was the annoyed.
Then Boss comes in and says she has a handle on my tasks and though I was willing to work until next week, I was free to pack up my belongings and “call it a day” today. Oh. So I was let go from my resignation I guess. I started to finish a simple task, and also wanted to alert the marketing team at another firm I was working with for a proposal and then she deactivated my email. Before I had even started to pack. So then I said OK then, F it, I am not helping her anymore and just started cleaning out. That hurt. I had no intention of sending a nasty email about the situation or stealing information or whatever. I had never had my resignation shortened so I wasn’t sure how I felt about it. And there’s the lost. I have never quit a job without another lined up… And yes I have unexpected funds available to live on so income isn’t a concern yet, and I am looking, it’s just odd to not have anything “to do” for an unknown amount of time. But things happen for a reason. Maybe one of my applications is my dream job and they are going to want me to interview immediately! Or maybe I just need more time to “be.” Who knows. It doesn’t matter and I can’t control what happens, only how I react to it.
I am hoping to not get into it with Almost Ex today. We’ll see. If he puts 2+2 together, I am OK with it because then it can be dealt with sooner. Knowing how it goes down is better than anticipating!!!
And now I have nothing to stay for…. No marriage, no job, no family that care other than my kids and they will be with me as much as possible until they can decide for themselves where they go.
The pieces leading to my New Life are finally starting to align. I will get there. I will be happy again. This all sucks but it will still never be as awful as losing my mother. If I can get through that I can get through anything.
Here’s to hope.