No Excuse

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Amen to that. And they come so randomly, after you think things are getting better and you are moving on, after you think you are healing. And when these hurtful words come, we tend to make excuses for the person, that he was having a hard day, that she was hormonal, that it’s a teenage thing. But really, hurtful words are inappropriate expressions of hurt and anger, and there is no excuse for being hateful to anyone, especially the people you most care about.

Today I was happy, I had a long but short weekend with My Girl, and I saw my therapist before I got my kids back. And then they get in the car and start bickering and being mean, and ignore my pleas to be kind to each other or be quiet if they can’t be nice, which is normal on Change Residence Day. Usually they settle after a few hours.

They were watching a show On Demand. At 10:15 I told them they couldn’t watch all of it because it is a school night and already later than I like them to be up. A asked for 5 more minutes and M didn’t say anything so I said fine. Then he got ready for bed and she turned the TV on in their bedroom. I said no, TV was not going to be on in the bedroom. She began to argue and say she is getting ready for bed, she didn’t want to watch in the family room and it wouldn’t bother A.  I said turn it off and she said no. I took her phone for talking back. She turned her tablet on. I took that too. Then she called me a stupid piece of shit and I slapped her. I am not proud of it, but I was spanked as a child and it is needed sometimes. Today’s youth is so damn entitled.

She laughed at me and said wow, it hit her ear, did I want to make her deaf? And then said she didn’t say that about me. Then she heard me crying in my room and told me to get a tissue!

I was so hurt and surprised that my own child could say something so hurtful. She has said hurtful things to me before but never like that. Those four words cut me to my soul, and no, I will not forgive it as a normal teenage thing. Because I had been spanked as a child, I was afraid to talk to my mother like that, teenager or not! I will not raise my daughter to think she can get away with childish and inappropriate language, though that is going to be hard these next four years with a childish and inappropriate president.

If she can be so ugly over not being allowed to watch tv, what in the hell will she say when I tell her I am moving out of state and in love with a woman? God. How will I bear it? I’m finding comfort in the quote “no one ever died from a divorce.” But it sure feels like I could!

I told Almost Ex and asked him to try to help me punish her and limit friend activities for at least a month. I said limit because I can’t control what he does, and because he doesn’t like to “deal with her” I expect she won’t be grounded long with him. It will be a long damn time before I allow her to do anything! His phone was off so I won’t know what he thinks until tomorrow.   He used to say I made excuses for them. I wonder now if he will say that this is my fault too? I don’t care what he thinks but I do care what he tells our children.

Four words that tore out my heart, that shattered the progress I felt we had made, that made me sob. Four words from my firstborn, that I had to have help to have, that I love more than anything and would gladly offer my life to save hers, just four words to crush me and bring back the guilt and sadness and take me 100 steps backward.

Maybe one day it will be a joke like at the end of the movie “Bad Moms” when one of the real life moms of the actresses says her daughter called her a bitch and they laughed.

But until that day, I have to try to shake it off and hope that it is just normal teenager stuff and that we will be ok eventually.

I wish my skin was thicker.

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