Sent with Love

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There’s a page I follow on Facebook that talks about signs from the afterlife, and if you are open and believe you will see them. One day they talked about heart shapes, but it was old news to me as I have found heart shaped rocks, marks in waxed paper, even in a blob of chocolate sauce. This leaf was found on “my side” of the driveway at my old house when I dropped my son off for the bus. I am just two minutes away but in a different school district. “Just another thing to deal with” as Almost Ex says.

This sign, sent with love from Heaven, was much needed as my daughter is still being ugly acting. No matter what I do to correct the behavior she just keeps on like I didn’t say a word. Frustrating to say the least. I have told both of them I am doing the best I can and they could do a lot worse, and at least they still have their mother. The thing is, they don’t get it. They haven’t lost anyone close to them yet. So I felt like my mom was saying, “I know, it’s hard but you are a good mom, you learned from the best.” said with a smirk.

I think she is trying very hard to send me signs right now, to reassure me, to give me love the only way she can.

And I just derailed myself. Lost my thought, had to do some mindless chores to calm myself. The random moments of loss are the killer ones. It’s been 19 1/2 years, I should be used to it by now. But that’s the thing about grief, you get used to its constant presence, and then it comes in a different way and knocks you on your ass. You never get to be fully free from it.

It’s what I use to cheer myself, it’s my pain barometer of sorts. July 23, 1999 was the worst day of my life, and there is nothing else that will ever be as bad as losing my young mother. I somehow made it through that darkness, and I will make it through whatever else comes my way. I made it through because I had something happy to look forward to.

Today I gave myself something to look forward to and distract myself from the pain of my daughter’s moods and the limbo of my divorce. I applied to be a contract delivery driver for a flower shop and deliver flowers for Valentine’s Day!

It’s not a lot of money, but it is still income. Although I have some disbursement funds I didn’t expect to have, I am trying to “pretend” I don’t have them and am being very frugal so I don’t spend them too quickly. So this delivery money will help me with groceries, gas, or a furniture payment…little things, but less I will need to pull from my disbursement.

But it will also help me have a purpose for a few days. It will make me happy to help people know they are loved, to give them flowers that were sent with love from their people who are still here.

Love heals.

 

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