Day 125 of 90

It’s hard to count days when they all blur together. I have to look at a calendar on the wall for way too long, and thank God for the “command center” on my phone that tells me the time, date and day because honestly I really have no idea. I don’t know how people just choose not to work. I feel lazy, bored, non-productive, blah, and of course still on the emotional rollercoaster ride from Hell.

As this post is titled, it is now 35 days past the day my divorce should have been granted after a 90-day waiting period. I last heard from my lawyer on February 5, saying she had contacted his lawyer to request a response regarding the divorce grant and our settlement proposal. She didn’t get a response which is typical for his lawyer, and please provide a $400 addition to the retainer. Sigh. And Almost Ex seems to be back in denial and doesn’t mention anything at all. If I bring it up he informs me I am being hateful.

Job hunt is discouraging. I have applied to 13 jobs, both in a physical location and working remotely, and have only had one response. I think they see my state and immediately disregard me without reading further, because I clearly didn’t read the ad that they want local applicants. So today I found an ad that is nearly identical to what I previously did, and so I changed it up and said thank you for reviewing my resume, I am relocating in May, I don’t expect to receive relocation assistance, and would work remotely until May if it was a viable option. It is also in the town I am moving to, so no commute as I am anxious about the greater traffic and not having experience driving in big cities. My friend J says that as moving day gets closer more opportunities may arise….I hope so. Nothing to do but keep trying I guess.

I was going to tell my kids this past weekend, and then changed my mind. Lost my nerve is more like it. But, that is ok because I had three dates I was going to tell them I was leaving their father before I finally told myself a date no matter what. That is what I do; plan, agonize, decide, and talk myself out of it until I can’t stand it anymore, so I feel like at least I am trying to take this step and not passively waiting. And honestly it isn’t so much telling my children that scares me, it’s telling their father because of the hate and ugliness he will throw at me. I still fear his response…I can’t wait until I don’t care what he thinks.

But some good has come of this. My daughter went to counseling with me and was honest and willing to talk with me in the room. It hurt a bit, but I hope that it helped some. I am doing the best I can, and only want a better relationship with her.

I have also found great support in my friend J, and I have helped her as well. We have similar stories, but she is divorced now. She and My Girl are in the same boat with feeling helpless to know what to do for M (J’s friend) and me as we go through our respective divorces. J and I have known each other a long time, but now we are becoming close friends. There is no judgement on either side and it is a relief to have a safe space to vent our frustrations and anxieties of this process.

So that’s where I am at….trying to be calm in the monotony of my days. Sometimes I succeed, sometimes I don’t. But at least I am still waking up to have a day at all.



2 thoughts on “Day 125 of 90

  1. I don’t even know how many days over 90 I am. I think I am about at day 320… Ugh… Don’t get discouraged on the job hunt. You will get there. And rip the band aid off with the kids. You want them to get their emotions out and then normalize, so you can spend some positive time with them before you move…

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yes, that is what I had to do with the first dreaded conversation. But you know you always have to pick at the bandaid edges a bit and count to three before you rip…. 🙂 I am my own worst enemy with this process, still fearing the unknown and not being accepted, still caring what people think. It is fading though…. It isn’t my worst time and sometimes I forget that. Thank you for the encouragement BLT.

      Liked by 1 person

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