So Much Has Changed Since Flutter45 was Born

I was going to write a quick “hey I’m still alive, don’t worry” kind of thing, but then I caught myself looking at my login. Specifically my username…. flutter45…and just marveling at it.

I have been marveling quite a lot lately lol. I bought a house in December, and tomorrow will be a month since I moved in. Before I moved I would bring stuff over and sit on the floor and marvel at it all….that I decided to look for a house, I decided what I wanted, I did all the paperwork and most of all, I am paying for it. I made it happen. Pretty exciting and not so terrifying anymore lol.

But back to flutter45. This blog is about my transition to a different lifestyle…. transitioning to not completely straight. What better symbol of something in transition than a butterfly? They are caterpillars and create a chrysalis they have to fight their way out of in time. They become a different creature but have to slowly strengthen their wings and gently flutter them. So that’s the flutter….and I was 45 years old and slowly gathering strength to change….so flutter45 was born.

And I marvel at how much has changed since then.

Three years ago I began to realize that I was so unhappy, but I didn’t know what to do. I thought it was just the way long marriages with two kids became. Then I “met” My Girl and had all these emotions that were different but didn’t feel wrong even though I tried to fight them. But she added something to my life and it was ok after awhile.

Two years ago I decided I didn’t want to stay with my husband anymore and was gathering courage to tell him and our children. I agonized and set a date to do it and then lost my nerve. And again. And again. Then I finally had the conversation and it was ok after awhile.

One year ago I decided I wanted to leave my home state and move south to be with My Girl and start over in a warmer climate. I agonized over leaving my children and how our relationship would be and put off the conversation too long and made myself miserable. They were upset for a brief time but they agreed to figure it out as we go, and it was ok after awhile.

Three months ago I again agonized too long over telling them about My Girl….and they didn’t seem too upset and it’s been ok so far since I told them.

One month ago I began casually coming out, and it’s been ok.

Tomorrow My Girl is moving in with me. It’s been very hard for her with her depression and anxiety to cope with it all, but it’s necessary so she can get better. But we thought we would have to wait eight years, until my youngest was out of high school, to be together. And here we are….and I know, and deep down she knows too, it will be ok one day.

So much has changed. My marriage ended, I began to love a woman. I moved away from my familiar life into a completely unknown life and place. I supported myself. I found a job where I am valued and appreciated. My relationship with my children got better. I bought a house. I’m feeling happier. I’m becoming less concerned with what people think…though I do have a post about that to come! My relationship with My Girl is getting stronger, even with her illness, and there’s news to share about that too one day.

So much has changed since flutter45 was born, even me. And it’s ok.

“Everything will be ok in the end. If it’s not ok, it’s not the end.”