It’s been a busy and bittersweet weekend.
Friday I traveled back to my home state to visit my kids for Homecoming. I also said, “See you later” to My Girl, and I have no idea when later will be.
She wants me to write about this however I need to, and gave me the OK to give details.
She suffers from depression, and possibly PTSD, and also has anemia, and is going through menopause. Quite a lot to deal with at once! Her mother and grandmother both were severely depressed, and her mom tried to kill herself a few times.
My Girl has had a difficult time the last few months, and didn’t fully express herself to me. Then, a friend from her old life died suddenly at 47 from a suspected aneurysm, and that was the straw that broke the camel’s back. My Girl spiraled quickly into darkness, and couldn’t get out. Her therapist had told her that loss brings loss…. And every loss brings the memories of her best friend’s suicide and her survivor’s guilt flooding back. This time, she couldn’t cope and Googled ways to kill herself that wouldn’t be too painful.
Then she decided she needed help, that she really didn’t want to kill herself. Thank God for that! She told her therapist and they made arrangements to get My Girl into a residential treatment facility.
My Girl told me we needed to talk, but that it was a good thing and it would bring us closer, she wasn’t breaking up with me. Unfortunately she is not good with serious conversations, and either blurts it out or puts it off as long as possible hoping for the best time to tell me. This time she waited, because I was happy and she didn’t want to ruin it. I had finally gotten to go on a business trip to my new firm’s corporate office, and my visit with my children was coming up.
Finally she told me, and it certainly was not what I expected! It was difficult and I had so many conflicting emotions, and felt selfish too. I didn’t want her to go across the country. I didn’t know it was so bad. I was the last to know because she made as many arrangements as she could so I wouldn’t have to worry about as much. I was worried about her.
I cried a lot that weekend. Then I realized that I would rather she go and get the help she needs than to have to live with knowing she asked for help and I didn’t listen and she couldn’t live in pain anymore. I am lost when we are apart, but at least right now our separation is temporary. I can’t bear a permanent separation.
Later I told her she had a “Get busy living or get busy dying” (The Shawshank Redemption) moment. Seek help or don’t. Find ways to express this pain and learn tools to cope, or don’t. She wants to live, and be the best person she can be, for both of us. I am thankful for that.
Treatment is extensive, and is a minimum of 2 weeks. She expects to be there about a month.
So Friday, she brought me coffee on the way to work, and that was the last time I will see her for awhile. Saturday she left for the treatment center, and checked in yesterday. She was finally able to call around 7:30 last night. They are allowed one call to tell family that they are safe, and then all contact with the outside world is cut off for a period of time. She can receive letters though, so that is good. Even though I knew she was going to be out of touch, I still kept checking my phone for her texts. We text a lot, and always say goodnight. I miss that already.
So I have a few more days here, and then I go back to my new home. Although it’s not home without My Girl. I will be taking care of her cats, so that will help me. And I guess I can work on my apartment, though I had decided to start looking for a house and so I may unpack only to have to pack it all up in a few months when my lease expires. But such is life I guess, things may change at any time and you have to just adjust the best you can even if it’s not convenient or easy.
But one good thing was that ex and I talked, and although he still guilt tripped me, he has become slightly less angry and is willing to let me have the kids for a week over Christmas and six weeks in the summer. Before, Christmas was not an option and summer was about 3-4 weeks. Still, progress. We also agreed on a child support payment which is significantly less than the state would determine.
I see my therapist today, and I am so happy for that! The hour will go quickly though. While I want my time with my children to go slowly, I want all my other hours to fly by so that My Girl will be home.
It’s going to be a tough road for a bit, though certainly my road is paved and easier to travel compared to hers. I hope I can help her from afar.