Saturday Update

Saturday Almost Ex and I talked about my divorce settlement offer and I told him I was moving. It was a civil discussion, and some parts went better than expected, and some went as expected.

Then today I got a text saying that he understands I want to be happy but he wishes I would reconsider moving away because my children need to be happy too. Thanks for that…not. 😦

I don’t really want to share any more right now….

I know there are many more hills on this rollercoaster but at least the ride seems to be slowing down some.

Just STFU Ok????

So now every day I have to hear in person or read via text about how displeased Almost Ex is that I am not working. Today was a reminder that there is such a thing as an unemployment benefit: “If you’re having trouble finding work you ought to see if you can at least get unemployment compensation.” Thanks Almost Ex, I had no idea that still existed! I love the “at least” part.  Not.

I think I will call him Harpy from now on since he is constantly harping on something involving my life.

Saturday he reminded me he is worried for our children’s well-being because I haven’t found a job. I said they will be fine.  He got mad as usual.  He was fishing to find out how I am paying my bills! It doesn’t make sense to me how they are harmed if I am still able to pay my bills and am supporting myself and mostly happier.

Then today he had to tell me to seek unemployment. Which of course I did not drop everything to look into since he told me to. But I am smart enough to know I didn’t need to look into it.  I resigned. It doesn’t matter I didn’t finish my two weeks. I live in an at-will state, either party can end the work relationship at any time for any reason. Later I did look at the eligibility…. And lo and behold, you generally are not eligible to receive unemployment benefits if you resign, unless you were told resign or be fired, and I wasn’t, and I have no proof only a hunch that I was going to be, or if I can prove that the environment was persistently and degeneratively hostile (or some such weird wording). Well, seeing as my supervisor was only hostile to me and she is a member of the firm’s founding family, I really don’t think I could prove I deserve the benefit. Whatever.

So Harpy, STFU about it OK? If you can’t STFU, you ought to at least complain to your sucky attorney that she is costing us too much money by sitting on her ass picking her nose and ignoring correspondence from my attorney! If you could worry about her and getting this divorce finalized instead of what I am doing that you don’t like it would be very greatly appreciated. K thx buh bye.

Things are Starting to Align

Tuesday night after my kids left I had a random “WTF am I doing” moment, and cried a bit. Then I ate half a pint of Ben & Jerry’s. I would have eaten all of it if I had not eaten the first half Monday night. Regardless, I felt a little better after.

Yesterday I felt peaceful,  which was a relief.  I honestly don’t know when the last time was that I wasn’t in the future predicting how Almost Ex or kids would react to things, or stressed by my job even though I resigned last Friday. It was wonderful.  I had talked to my lawyer and she agreed that we keep moving out of the discussion right now as he could try to make things difficult and his non-responding lawyer is doing that herself!

Then today I was annoyed and hurt and a bit lost.  Almost Ex called and asked you know it’s Daughter’s birthday???? Oh. Is it?  I truly had no idea that I had to force myself to remember the day I pushed a six pound being out of a marble hole. Geez. So I said of course,  I called her earlier and sang happy birthday! And he says Oh.  I was surprised he didn’t say he “was only trying to help geez”  like he always does and tell me I am hateful.  So there was the annoyed.

Then Boss comes in and says she has a handle on my tasks and though I was willing to work until next week, I was free to pack up my belongings and “call it a day” today.  Oh. So I was let go from my resignation I guess. I started to finish a simple task,  and also wanted to alert the marketing team at another firm I was working with for a proposal and then she deactivated my email. Before I had even started to pack. So then I said OK then,  F it, I am not helping her anymore and just started cleaning out. That hurt. I had no intention of sending a nasty email about the situation or stealing information or whatever.  I had never had my resignation shortened so I wasn’t sure how I felt about it. And there’s the lost. I have never quit a job without another lined up… And yes I have unexpected funds available to live on so income isn’t a concern yet, and I am looking, it’s just odd to not have anything “to do” for an unknown amount of time. But things happen for a reason.  Maybe one of my applications is my dream job and they are going to want me to interview immediately! Or maybe I just need more time to “be.” Who knows. It doesn’t matter and I can’t control what happens, only how I react to it.

I am hoping to not get into it with Almost Ex today. We’ll see. If he puts 2+2 together, I am OK with it because then it can be dealt with sooner. Knowing how it goes down is better than anticipating!!!

And now I have nothing to stay for…. No marriage, no job, no family that care other than my kids and they will be with me as much as possible until they can decide for themselves where they go.

The pieces leading to my New Life are finally starting to align. I will get there. I will be happy again. This all sucks but it will still never be as awful as losing my mother. If I can get through that I can get through anything.

Here’s to hope.

I Don’t Believe What He Says

“Sticks and stones can break your bones, but words can never hurt you…unless you believe them. Then they can destroy you.” ~ Charles Glassman

Conversations with R this weekend went from “I still don’t understand how this happened, I still have feelings for you but I filed for divorce, let’s be amicable” to “You are screwing me over and you have no conscience, get out of my house.”

Wait, did my life suddenly become the latest Freaky Friday movie? He is behaving way worse than my teenager!

Since I moved out he has said these things and many more:

  • Let’s not file. Let’s try to figure things out first to save money. (I agreed but talked to a lawyer anyway to make sure seeing My Girl couldn’t be used against me. It can’t.) I think you are having a midlife crisis though.
  • You were late picking up the kids and won’t tell me where you were! You were talking to the lawyer, I know it! (No actually I was talking to my therapist.) You always lie.
  • I didn’t realize your health and whereabouts had to be a big f***ing secret. (Uh yes they do since I no longer live under his thumb.)
  • Your infidelity WILL come up if you make things get nasty!!!! (Uh well that is a good threat, but since it is likely the cause of most divorces it doesn’t really do anything but reassure me that I am not alone, but unless he spent the money for a PI which I doubt, he has no proof.)
  • When I told him I was going away to see a friend (My Girl) for a long weekend, that really opened a rant: You need to tell your therapist and lawyer and whoever else you are talking to what you are up to so they know what to do to help you and know what they are dealing with. You can’t just go galivanting off all the time, you have children! You are acting crazy! (Well it was his turn to have them so….)
  • When my lawyer sent a request for documentation to determine what debts/assets the marriage has: I told you not to talk to a lawyer! You have no idea how much this will cost us! Why isn’t the fact that I have the kids on my health insurance on here? You had better not go after my 401(k)!!! You are not the person I married! (I told him a gazillion times the letter was just to determine the debts/assets and nothing else, and that insurance isn’t an asset and I have no interest in his retirement plans!)
  • Likely in response to the documentation letter: Well I filed. I declined to have you served in person because I am not so mean. I don’t know why you had to keep talking to that person and let it get to this point. Now you can jump up and down because you will be rid of me. This will be so expensive! (Again with the money. Uh…money is not the issue and never was!)
  • You have no conscience, talking to people, leaving your family, spending so much money, not telling the lawyer the truth about all I pay…get out of my house. (I was there to have him sign my car registration and pick our daughter up to shop for Homecoming shoes, and had apologized for taking some of his time but with her volleyball schedule her time is limited during the week! So in the car I had to say to my daughter that I was sorry that she had to hear all that and Daddy shouldn’t do that in front of you.)

Yes, I get that I hurt him. I was very upset by him filing, but now I am relieved that things are going to move along and this will soon be over and our divorce won’t be final on our daughter’s birthday. I get he is trying to hurt me with his words. I can’t control how he acts or what he says, but I can control how I react. I am none on the things he says….I am not stupid, disloyal, perverted, cold, calculating, dishonest, selfish or a bad person. I do deserve to be happy, and am a good mother.

Life is too short for such negativity. He can say whatever he wants to me, or other people, but I do not believe his words anymore. They do not have the power to destroy me now.

I have the power to believe in me now. Those are the only words that matter.