As I neared the birthday that would put me past the “mid” of mid-40s, I began to realize that the life I had always known was no longer the life I wanted, and it was not a midlife crisis. I was a married woman with two children living a happy enough I guess kind of life and then suddenly I wasn’t.
Believing the phrase “you can’t help who you love” and understanding that phrase are two completely different things. I always believed it, and now suddenly I understand it. I met and fell in love with three men, well a boy and two men, and got married and divorced and remarried and had children, and life was full of happiness and heartache as it is for everyone. Through it all I was happy enough, but there was always something missing.
And then I met the person who finally made me understand what “you can’t help who you love” really means. And this person completely turned my world upside down and inside out, and I fought like hell to keep this person as just a friend….and somehow along the way I realized that what I was fighting was that I was deeply in love….with her, and that she was what was always missing from my life. But I shouldn’t love her, I am straight! She shouldn’t love me because she isn’t straight! But you can’t help who you love.
I have been struggling with defining what loving her means, to sort it out in my mind. Am I Sapphic (lesbian) or Straight? I have finally decided I am now in between, not completely straight, and that’s all I really know right now. I have found comfort in books and websites that describe many people who are like me, loving who society says they shouldn’t love. But what really comforts me is writing, and I felt that by writing my story maybe I could help someone else get over the fear of what society thinks and find their truth and happiness, with whoever it is they can’t help but love.
Thanks for reading, my love story is just beginning, I would love to share it with you….