The Three Fastest Hours of My Life

On Friday I flew across the country to see My Girl for three hours on Sunday afternoon. Some may think that is crazy. But our whole relationship has been out of the ordinary, so for us it made sense. She is worth it. I would do anything for her.

I had to visit, we both needed it. I felt it would help her get through the last days, and would give me my peace again.

I did some sightseeing and saw some beautiful places, and was actually entertained and happy with my self. It was a bit odd at first knowing I could do whatever I wanted when I wanted because Ex always planned our vacations to the last minute. Sometimes he would be annoyed if I didn’t want to be on the go. Our last vacation I spent most of the day reading on the beach, and he did his thing and we only were together for dinner… I wonder if he thought anything of it or just thought he was making me happy by leaving me alone. It makes me sad to think we were probably done by then.

I had a good time being a single tourist, but of course I wished My Girl could have been with me. Perhaps when we return for the “Alumni” festivities we can see the area together.

As expected, the weekend went very slowly until this afternoon, and I had such butterflies while I was waiting for Uber to arrive! I really don’t think I have had butterflies when about to see someone before!!

When I was finally allowed into “the bin” and stripped of my phone, gum and breath mints, and sadly everything I wanted to give her and see her receive, I was in a little waiting area with some residents who were waiting for their families. They all swarmed me and said they were so excited to meet me and that My Girl is amazing and they adore her. That was nice. I have told her 500 times her personality attracts people but she doesn’t believe in herself at all, and has felt unworthy of it.

She finally came into the waiting area and I think I ran to her and it was so amazing to be in her arms again. Then time sped up as it always does when you are at your happiest.

We walked around the facility, and I met the people who have become very important to her. We talked about her journey, and her after care, and our future. Then we found two heart shaped rocks!

Then we had dinner, and sat outside and watched the sunset and had a heartfelt conversation, and then our time was over. I cried a little after I got back to my hotel, but not tears of sadness. Tears of relief that she was brave enough to get help, that the treatment is helping her, that she will be home with me soon. That she wants to be home with me, and wants the walls to come down and be happy with me.

I also had the opportunity to meet someone “like me.” We were talking about what we label ourselves, and I said I liked not completely straight and she said she considers herself a late bloomer. I liked that. It reminded me of the quotes about flowers… Bloom where you are planted, the pain of blooming is less than the pain of remaining a tight bud (or something like that), the lotus eventually grows through mud. I know the label is unimportant, and the need to be like other people is one of my issues. I don’t know how to get over that. Maybe it is fearing that people I love will leave me if I am not what they want me to be. I’m not a son. I’m not a younger blonde. I’m not social enough. I’m not gay.

I know I torture myself with things I shouldn’t dwell on and can’t control. I know life is short and right now I have this amazing woman who loves me as much as I love her and I need to enjoy every moment. I know that things have started to fall into place and I am happier than I was a year ago. I hope eventually I will be like My Girl and not need a label, or care if there are others “like me.”

The three fastest hours of my life were also the most important. Those hours confirmed that she is my person. I am hers. No matter what. We will get through this thing called life together.



Who is this Sapphic or Straight?

As I neared the birthday that would put me past the “mid” of mid-40s, I began to realize that the life I had always known was no longer the life I wanted, and it was not a midlife crisis.  I was a married woman with two children living a happy enough I guess kind of life and then suddenly I wasn’t.

Believing the phrase “you can’t help who you love” and understanding that phrase are two completely different things. I always believed it, and now suddenly I understand it. I met and fell in love with three men, well a boy and two men, and got married and divorced and remarried and had children, and life was full of happiness and heartache as it is for everyone. Through it all I was happy enough, but there was always something missing.

And then I met the person who finally made me understand what “you can’t help who you love” really means. And this person completely turned my world upside down and inside out, and I fought like hell to keep this person as just a friend….and somehow along the way I realized that what I was fighting was that I was deeply in love….with her, and that she was what was always missing from my life. But I shouldn’t love her, I am straight! She shouldn’t love me because she isn’t straight! But you can’t help who you love.

I have been struggling with defining what loving her means, to sort it out in my mind. Am I Sapphic (lesbian) or Straight? I have finally decided I am now in between, not completely straight, and that’s all I really know right now. I have found comfort in books and websites that describe many people who are like me, loving who society says they shouldn’t love. But what really comforts me is writing, and I felt that by writing my story maybe I could help someone else get over the fear of what society thinks and find their truth and happiness, with whoever it is they can’t help but love.

Thanks for reading, my love story is just beginning, I would love to share it with you….