Can You Sleep Now Brain???

Today was another relatively quiet day, even though my children and I were forced to be inside together for snow day #2. Mostly we were in separate rooms doing different things, but sometimes it is better that way as the teen girl child is very easily annoyed by her brother and me.

I have not yet told their father, but they did not seem to feel uncomfortable with me. I was surprised at their resilience, and wondered if they knew somehow on some level or if their father had hinted with my frequent out of town visits.

I guess it doesn’t much matter, they know now and they will certainly be better with it sooner than their father. I still felt a little sad and guilty during the afternoon, and that it was way too easy telling them, there will be a huge freak out soon. But it was like I hadn’t said a word.

I took them back to their father’s before he came home from work, on purpose, and they both gave me affection which is very unusual! I’ll take it as a good sign though!

I came home and binge watched Netflix the rest of the day, and then felt better. I even went to bed at 10:30, which is much earlier than my usual unemployed bedtime!

But. My brain wouldn’t be still and was excitedly making lists of things to do and small things I can ship to my new address and what to say to Almost Ex…. Ugh! I didn’t feel like reading or being crafty…. So I cleaned out a bag of receipts and old coupons, and then found some unused picture frames and some other small knickknacks and packed them, and researched shipping rates for the Postal Service and other carriers. I figure sending little things ahead may help lower my moving truck expense.

And now, I think my brain is ready to end the day. Funny how being productive can soothe.


Random Update

So… The feeling I had that I was going to get fired?  And the early release from my two weeks? Yeah, heard that four people were let go today… All but one were office staff. So perhaps I would have been one of five….

So trust your instincts people.  Or your angels. 🙂

Daily Prompt: Crossing

Happy New Year! Glad you are still reading.

I don’t usually do the writing prompts, but this one caught my eye at an interesting time so I figured the Universe wanted it.

So what am I crossing?  The line? The bridge? The threshold? Yes, all I guess.

It’s been a difficult time… First understatement of the year! 🙂 Holidays were rough and I am glad they are over though I did have my kids most of the time.  I didn’t decorate much or do cards and didn’t go crazy on gifts and I was ok about it.  Generally I was at peace until Almost Ex got mad that I didn’t want to share cost or opening time with him.  I just couldn’t bear to listen to him be mopey or angry like last year. Why on earth does he want to spend time with me after all this? I wouldn’t had he left!

Last night I accidentally sent a text to him meant for My Girl saying I would wish the year away to be in the light, and happy and with my kids. Meaning I just want to be through all this shit, with her, and my kids know about her and maybe even have met her and we are all happy. What’s wrong with that? Well I told him to ignore it and he got all butt hurt that I sent it to him by mistake and said really Flutter, how hateful to say you want to be with our children with no involvement from me in their lives!!! Calm the fuck down dude and tell me where the hell you got that and why still everything has to be about YOU. Then he kept pestering me to explain the comment. I want to be happy again, duh!!!!

Only about 26 days until the divorce is final, though we have yet to figure out division of assets and custody. His lawyer thinks it is better to do all that after the waiting period not during. Whatever, my lawyer is on the ball.  He isn’t going to like what we need to discuss and I am almost fully in the “well it’s my life I don’t care” way of thinking so that is good!

I’m trying to cross the line between worry of what will happen and acceptance of what is happening with him and the kids and our new normal. This is my life right now and it is beyond messy, but it will not always be like this. No one ever died from getting divorced.

Today I crossed the bridge of Control. Before Christmas I had a feeling that my job was on the line. My boss has become an extremely negative micromanager.  I am getting in trouble for ridiculous things I cannot control and ignored most days unless I do something she feels is wrong.  She is acting like the boss at my previous job that almost made me have a mental breakdown.  Life is too short to deal with that level of crazy. Today I was convinced she was going to fire me during my task status update. She didn’t, but asked me where every single file is located and if there was anything else to do for something due yesterday, which she never did before. Yesterday she was in a status meeting with the other marketing person and then suddenly the door was closed and the other person avoided me all day today.

Maybe I am paranoid or maybe she is waiting until tomorrow who the heck knows. But today I decided I couldn’t deal with the stress of her and waiting for the proverbial shoe to fall anymore.  I am not sleeping due to stress.  And for the first time in my life, I resigned without having a new job waiting. I almost chickened out, but it is always better to resign than be fired. I chose to take back control of my life, to cross the bridge from a toxic work environment to a new career path, hopefully something that is more writing focused and different from what I have done for over 20 years. What that is, I don’t know yet. And it is actually more exciting than scary!

So truly I feel that what I am finally crossing is the Threshold….of Hope. Of Light. Of My New Happy Life. Please Universe don’t block my crossing now.

via Daily Prompt: Crossing


“Don’t feel guilty for doing what’s best for you.”

So of course social media is filled with posts about the holidays, how to get through them without stress, how to simplify, even how to help those who really aren’t all that happy that the hustle and bustle and commercialism is in full manic swing.

And there are tons of posts gearing up for the New Year, to motivate us to change our ways and keep our resolutions. Lots of posts about do what is best for you, don’t feel bad about taking care of yourself, don’t care what people think or say about it.

OK.  I like these quotes and articles, and I want to follow them, but how exactly do I do that? How do I stop obsessing over what is,  or more likely what is not, to come and just be in today? How do I do it for me even though it hurts like hell???

It has gotten increasingly hard since my birthday.  I struggle to write in my gratitude journal because there are only so many times I can be grateful that I woke up or that the weekend is here.  I cry almost daily.  I am not sleeping or eating much. I just feel blah. I didn’t do cards and didn’t get a tree, and just bought a few decorations that Almost Ex would have hated, and that was nice. But even that was hard for me to go against the norm.

Thank God for My Girl though how she hasn’t decided to run screaming for the hills is beyond me.  I will see her Christmas Day and that can’t come soon enough!!!

I realized that again days before Christmas I know I have to have a difficult conversation with my children, and they have no idea I am going to turn their world upside down.  I remember last year, that even though I didn’t want to be there, I was, and had a family. Now, it is like I don’t exist.  I have no other blood relatives in my life. I am alone, and I did this.

Now I am going to voluntarily give up custody during the school year and move. Yes, for My Girl, and a warmer climate, and better job opportunities. My divorce will be final by then,  and the school year almost over.  And while I know in my heart that is best for me, how do I do it???? How do I ignore Almost Ex when he tells me I am a bad, selfish mother?  How do I do it when my kids think I am abandoning them? I know I can’t stay, because then I am living for others and life is too short. I don’t belong here anymore. I want to start over, but how do I just stop caring about everyone and everything and say well this is what I am doing????

If only I could wake up and all this misery is all long over and my kids are with me and My Girl and we are all happy…please God help me get there.

At Least I Won’t be Alone

“Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.”  ~ Mark Twain

Today I had a severe mood swing, partly Sunday blahs and partly my Horoscope telling me I am anxious about an upcoming situation.  Gee,  thanks! Then I went for groceries with my daughter and really felt “great”  as I selected a prepared turkey and gravy meal and mashed sweet potatoes to eat by myself after my kids go back with their father.

Then I told myself that being alone on Thanksgiving meant that I wouldn’t have to listen to my in-laws fuss over their first (and favorite) grandchild and his beautiful fiancée.  Then I giggled and thought well I’m going to Hell for sure for that one.

So,  since it cheered me and I am already going to Hell, let’s do a list of other positive things about being alone on Thanksgiving.

1. I don’t have to explain again that I don’t like pumpkin pie, never did, and I don’t want to try a piece anyway.

2.  I won’t get a headache from everyone talking loudly over each other.

3. I can put pjs back on,  if I ever took them off! I am having breakfast with my children after all!

4. I don’t have to watch football!

5. I don’t have to help cleanup and then have things put away in a different spot than I put them.

6. I don’t have to make small talk!

7. I don’t have to remind my brother-in-law how old my kids are or what grades they are in.

8. I don’t have to worry about being the first to arrive or leave. That was so annoying driving around the block or waiting for someone else to announce they were leaving.

9. I don’t have to listen to Almost Ex complain about his brother talking with his mouth full.

10. I don’t have to have Almost Ex “be helpful” by asking for the butter for my mashed potatoes, since I don’t like gravy, and have a big deal made about it, like #1!

Yes, saying these things might send me to Hell, but I know I will have good company there! And it’s hot!

I’m Sorry

To the world,  whether you are an ally of the United States or not, I want to apologize on behalf of most of the country who chose to put the most obnoxious and unprofessional person in charge of our country ! ! !

He does NOT have the support of everyone,  and I personally am afraid for our children and their future, and how poor an example he will set for them. I am afraid of what is to come, and pray these next four years pass quickly and without more division and violence.

Please pray for the U.S., we will need all the help we can get.

3 Day Quote Challenge – Day 3 (2 days later)

“Don’t worry. You may think you’ll never get over it. But you also thought it would last forever.”

Awful week. I am sitting on the floor holding my 40 something year old teddy bear, with a pile of tissues at my feet, enjoying (?) the momentary numbness after a long cry.

He filed. After he said let’s not file right away, let’s try and work mostly everything out first. He has officially given up, though of course blames me and had to tell me how much he is getting screwed and how horrible I am for walking away from our family.  I thought I would be happier to get things moving, to be as he kindly put it “jumping up and down now that I will be rid of him.”

Yeah. I am just so heartless. Ok.

Anyway, I just can’t right now…..So let me finish the challenge. Sorry for the delay.

Rules of the Challenge:

  • Three quotes for three days.
  • Three Nominees each day (no repetition).
  • Thank the person who nominated you.
  • Inform the nominees.

I am nominating:

  1. Luke Atkins
  2. Alwaysnforeva
  3. Realmarklandry

Today is almost over. I made it through.