Oh, and The Sky is Blue…..

Not literally since my current situation is snowy and gray…. In a southern state! WTF!

So I had a great visit with my kids even with my self created angst. We did all kinds of fun touristy things, including hiking up a mountain to about 1683 feet above sea level…. Which I thought was going to kill me before I reached the top and could enjoy the view! Had a proud couple of moments, though I panicked a bit I did it, and I helped my son realize he can do things that are scary and be ok. He was afraid to ride the sky lift down, and told me I helped him to not be as afraid.

We also made a chocolate cookie house, and fudge, and a candy treat, and I cooked their favorite meals and we went out some too. It was over in a minute, but it also seemed like we hadn’t been apart.

I had decided to tell them about My Girl in the car, because I figured if I told them the night before, they may be upset still anyway so what did it matter. Of course they both fell asleep almost immediately.

With about an hour left, my son woke up and decided he was hungry, and I needed gas anyway. I decided that was the time. My daughter was still a bit drowsy as I was about to get on the road, so I said M wake up a minute, I want to talk to you guys.

Me: I’m dating someone.

Kids: OK.

Me: I didn’t expect to be in a relationship with this person. But I am happy. My relationships don’t define me, I’m still your mom….

M: Is it Your Girl?

Me: Yes.

Kids: OK. (and went back to sleep)

What????? I actually felt a little disappointed that they didn’t ask any questions. That they didn’t really bat an eye. That again, they reacted totally opposite of what I expected.

But at least now they know. I expect there will be questions eventually, but for now they are OK with it and I’ll take it and we will continue to figure it all out as we go.

Glad the sky is blue.




I’m “off” again. I was in a great mood, then the day wore on me and now I am frustrated and irritable.

I feel tired but not sleepy because my body is still three hours behind. I even cleaned the upstairs bathrooms but it didn’t help.

I left messages for My Girl, but I don’t think she received them. That has been an ongoing problem and it upsets both of us. I booked her flight home, but she didn’t call to tell me she knew.  So unless something awful happened and triggered her, she didn’t get the message. Either way, I have no idea what is going on and can’t help, and she imagines I am upset with her and doesn’t get any encouragement from her one lifeline that she desperately needs to have. Bad situation all around.

My neighbor is outside talking loudly on her cell phone. That’s considerate at 10 pm.

My cats are fighting.

The friend taking care of our cats filled the litter garbage so full I almost couldn’t get it out of the trash can because it was so heavy. At least that was an opportunity to swear a bit.

A bill I tried to pay for My Girl was returned because I didn’t have the full account number on the check. Seriously? How many people are paying bills just enough to use someone else’s credit card? How many people are stealing identities after paying the bill? I get it. They would rather be uber safe than be sued. But damn. I am trying to help it not be overwhelming when she comes home and now it will be even later until it gets paid.

I’m hot with just the window open but cold with the fan on.

I’m out of sorts, back on the emotional rollercoaster. Back to going through the motions for another week. My firm has an open house on Thursday, and I am not looking forward to being a charming extrovert even though the management didn’t follow directions in time and it’s more staff than clients coming. Already things have gone wrong… and we can’t wait until it’s over with. But at least there will be wine.

I did have two positive things today… I called myself My Girl’s girlfriend when I was talking to the facility about her plane ticket and finding out what the discharge procedure is. That is a big thing for me, because I haven’t said it publicly to anyone other than my therapist. There were not any huge gasps… which My Girl always cutely tells me most people don’t care anymore.

Then in the corporate magazine there was a new female senior engineer who has a wife! So that was good that my company is tolerant. It made me consider coming out at the holiday party and taking My Girl, if she feels up to it. We’ll see…..

So at least I am not all doom and gloom today…. Hopefully tomorrow will be better.



Interesting Timing

Today’s Horoscope. Interesting timing.

If you were to attend a costume party, you could choose to be anyone you wanted to be. Whether a mythical figure, a superhero, a person from history, or some animal. You could go out into the world, in costume, and be uninhibited behind your mask. You could say the things your character would say, behave as they would, and no one would think any less of you, Scorpio. You may be hiding some aspect of yourself from someone now, but this is your truth. Go into the world today and pretend you are in costume, and just be all of you. You’ll be surprised by the warm reception the “real you” receives.

Well Now I Feel Shitty!

I’m at My Girl’s house taking care of the fur babies. I remembered not to turn the porch light on, because I didn’t have candy. I had the hall light on but didn’t think that would matter. It did.

The doorbell rang, and I thought maybe it was a neighbor or the management people, with something important about My Girl. Because on Halloween at 7 pm that’s exactly why someone’s doorbell rings. 😞

So I answered, and there was a little girl there, too young to remember to say trick-or-treat, just standing there with her little bucket up. And when I said, “Oh, you look so cute but I’m sorry I don’t have any candy,” her face just fell and she looked at her mom like WTF????

I felt awful and lamely said, “Well my light wasn’t on. I’m sorry.” The mom said it’s OK. And probably walked away with her friend saying well why did she answer the damn door then??!?

Why did I? I don’t know but it broke my heart. Why do I care about upsetting a family I don’t even know?? Because I am too emotional. I feel shitty and I didn’t do anything wrong really! Yeah I shouldn’t have opened the door but they shouldn’t have come to it either.

Sigh. I’m just overly sensitive lately I guess.

Can You Sleep Now Brain???

Today was another relatively quiet day, even though my children and I were forced to be inside together for snow day #2. Mostly we were in separate rooms doing different things, but sometimes it is better that way as the teen girl child is very easily annoyed by her brother and me.

I have not yet told their father, but they did not seem to feel uncomfortable with me. I was surprised at their resilience, and wondered if they knew somehow on some level or if their father had hinted with my frequent out of town visits.

I guess it doesn’t much matter, they know now and they will certainly be better with it sooner than their father. I still felt a little sad and guilty during the afternoon, and that it was way too easy telling them, there will be a huge freak out soon. But it was like I hadn’t said a word.

I took them back to their father’s before he came home from work, on purpose, and they both gave me affection which is very unusual! I’ll take it as a good sign though!

I came home and binge watched Netflix the rest of the day, and then felt better. I even went to bed at 10:30, which is much earlier than my usual unemployed bedtime!

But. My brain wouldn’t be still and was excitedly making lists of things to do and small things I can ship to my new address and what to say to Almost Ex…. Ugh! I didn’t feel like reading or being crafty…. So I cleaned out a bag of receipts and old coupons, and then found some unused picture frames and some other small knickknacks and packed them, and researched shipping rates for the Postal Service and other carriers. I figure sending little things ahead may help lower my moving truck expense.

And now, I think my brain is ready to end the day. Funny how being productive can soothe.

Daily Prompt: Crossing

Happy New Year! Glad you are still reading.

I don’t usually do the writing prompts, but this one caught my eye at an interesting time so I figured the Universe wanted it.

So what am I crossing?  The line? The bridge? The threshold? Yes, all I guess.

It’s been a difficult time… First understatement of the year! 🙂 Holidays were rough and I am glad they are over though I did have my kids most of the time.  I didn’t decorate much or do cards and didn’t go crazy on gifts and I was ok about it.  Generally I was at peace until Almost Ex got mad that I didn’t want to share cost or opening time with him.  I just couldn’t bear to listen to him be mopey or angry like last year. Why on earth does he want to spend time with me after all this? I wouldn’t had he left!

Last night I accidentally sent a text to him meant for My Girl saying I would wish the year away to be in the light, and happy and with my kids. Meaning I just want to be through all this shit, with her, and my kids know about her and maybe even have met her and we are all happy. What’s wrong with that? Well I told him to ignore it and he got all butt hurt that I sent it to him by mistake and said really Flutter, how hateful to say you want to be with our children with no involvement from me in their lives!!! Calm the fuck down dude and tell me where the hell you got that and why still everything has to be about YOU. Then he kept pestering me to explain the comment. I want to be happy again, duh!!!!

Only about 26 days until the divorce is final, though we have yet to figure out division of assets and custody. His lawyer thinks it is better to do all that after the waiting period not during. Whatever, my lawyer is on the ball.  He isn’t going to like what we need to discuss and I am almost fully in the “well it’s my life I don’t care” way of thinking so that is good!

I’m trying to cross the line between worry of what will happen and acceptance of what is happening with him and the kids and our new normal. This is my life right now and it is beyond messy, but it will not always be like this. No one ever died from getting divorced.

Today I crossed the bridge of Control. Before Christmas I had a feeling that my job was on the line. My boss has become an extremely negative micromanager.  I am getting in trouble for ridiculous things I cannot control and ignored most days unless I do something she feels is wrong.  She is acting like the boss at my previous job that almost made me have a mental breakdown.  Life is too short to deal with that level of crazy. Today I was convinced she was going to fire me during my task status update. She didn’t, but asked me where every single file is located and if there was anything else to do for something due yesterday, which she never did before. Yesterday she was in a status meeting with the other marketing person and then suddenly the door was closed and the other person avoided me all day today.

Maybe I am paranoid or maybe she is waiting until tomorrow who the heck knows. But today I decided I couldn’t deal with the stress of her and waiting for the proverbial shoe to fall anymore.  I am not sleeping due to stress.  And for the first time in my life, I resigned without having a new job waiting. I almost chickened out, but it is always better to resign than be fired. I chose to take back control of my life, to cross the bridge from a toxic work environment to a new career path, hopefully something that is more writing focused and different from what I have done for over 20 years. What that is, I don’t know yet. And it is actually more exciting than scary!

So truly I feel that what I am finally crossing is the Threshold….of Hope. Of Light. Of My New Happy Life. Please Universe don’t block my crossing now.

via Daily Prompt: Crossing