Hello From New Life!

So it’s been almost 2 months since I left my hometown and headed with “the boys” and my packed-to-the-roof van. Getting to that point was an adventure, thank God J let me keep some stuff in her garage! Next time everything but the daily essentials will get put on the moving truck! Ugh.

Anyway. My Girl and I survived the trip and still want to spend time together! If we can get through our respective divorces and a road trip, we can get through anything! 😝

Yes, I am feeling silly. Quite a lot has happened. Things are looking up.

1. Almost Ex finally got the divorce settlement papers signed! He pestered me to do mine and return them ASAP but no surprise there. My common response was don’t be mad at me, my lawyer kept my stuff moving!

2. Since I started this post a few weeks ago, his lawyer actually lost my signed divorce papers. I’m not kidding! My lawyer resent them to be signed again and said she would file them herself to make sure they were handled properly! It is almost 6 months past the 90 day waiting period. His lawyer is the worst!

3. My kids have called or texted me regularly, and I sent them “great job for the school year” gift cards and just for fun cards and spending money. They both sound fine and happy to talk to me. That is a huge relief.

4. I applied to five jobs and immediately had three phone interviews, and then had an in person interview a few days later. AND…they hired me and may not have talked to anyone else and I started within a few days of the offer!!!! It is a contract position in my field, so we can both decide if we want to continue the relationship after six months no strings or penalties. I never had that before but am looking at it as well it’s a definite income for the rest of the year so my credit cards can get a break! It’s wonderful having a steady income again!!! I haven’t told Almost Ex yet, though I did tell my daughter. He hasn’t bitched at me for not telling him so I am not sure he knows. He already informed me he was filing for support, which the support itself is not a problem, it’s the way he announced it.

5. I casually mentioned I moved on Facebook, and I didn’t receive many comments, and no negative comments about my kids. I know this shouldn’t surprise me, but I was worried I would hear at least one I’m being selfish or abandoning my kids. The people that matter know the reasons why things are the way they are, and I think I am finally getting to a point where I don’t care what people think. Lady Gaga’s Until It Happens to You has helped me get there.

6. I told a very dear friend that I was getting divorced and moving, and his response was so kind and supportive, and he told me I have always surprised him in good ways but never upset or disappointed him and he loves me still (in a fatherly way) and those words were so perfect and much needed when he said them!

7. My Girl and I have settled into our New Normal, and it seems as if I have always been here with her. We are not living together yet, because I wanted to introduce her to my children slowly, though their father prevented them from being here at all this summer. I’m going to visit them for a few days at the end of the month and I can’t wait! I’m hopeful that next summer they will be here with me. And also secretly hoping that they will want to live with me most of the time….but that’s a long way away at this point so better to stay in today and know I have plans in place to see them soon.

8. My Girl’s best male friends have invited us to go to the beach (My Girl’s hometown!) in August and I can’t wait! It has been a long time since I spent a whole week at the beach and I so need it! I’ve never been to this beach either. Pray no major deadlines come up at work that I can’t finish early and have to stay here! And pray that I can work a little extra the week before to make up a little of the time off too! As a contract worker I don’t get holiday pay or paid time off.  That sucks a bit but at least my credit cards will be paid on enough that I can use them if needed.

Sorry I was quiet so long. I was thrown into the deep end at work the second I walked in the door and was just too tired to write in the evenings, and weekends have been busy with unpacking and errands and dating My Girl too! Thanks for hanging around waiting. I’m glad I have you all to “talk” to!

Progress….

It seems like longer than 21 days since I wrote. I guess when I barely know one day from another and don’t have much “going on” it’s to be expected. At least the frequent arguments of my elderly neighbors downstairs that involve many “fuck yous” and “get the fuck out of heres” make me glad that I will soon be out of here! See, always a positive in the day.

Anywho. My progress. The last conversation will be had on Saturday. He texted me yesterday to ask if we can discuss my divorce settlement offer on Saturday after I drop the kids off. I was so surprised that 1. his lawyer finally got off her ass and did something, nearly three months later, and 2. that he didn’t relay it through our daughter!

But it pissed me off too. Why couldn’t he just discuss it yesterday when I picked up the kids???? Why does every damn thing need to be on HIS terms???? Why is he making me fret about it for three days and why am I letting him????? That truly is the problem, I still let him get to me and try to control me. I hope that will pass eventually.

So I know he is going to freak out, but it will likely get him talking to his lawyer because you know, I don’t know what I am doing/talking about and he won’t believe me that he can’t do anything to keep the kids away from me. Our state doesn’t give a crap who the parents see or when as long as there are no criminal charges against the person. My Girl assures me there is no record against her! 🙂

And I have a little good news on the job front…My Girl told me about a transcription company that is entirely remote. I had never done transcription before, but the physical jobs don’t seem to be reading too far past my “I will be relocating in May…” statement so nothing is happening there. And when I think about it, remote work may be a good thing right now, to get used to living in a bigger city without having to worry about driving (gulp!) and be able to have time with my kids during the summer, if things work out that they are with me with camps and whatever else he schedules. So I applied and found the exam easy enough, and they hired me. I’m not making enough to live on yet, and right now it’s tough to snag a job, but at least I have something to do sometimes, and if I only make enough to buy a candy bar or a scrapbook goodie….oh well, it’s less I am using my debit card for. It’s more about I feel like a normal person again.

So….wish me luck for Saturday….!

 

Good Timing

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I needed to see this today. I’m feeling very blah, not sleeping, irritable and impatient with my kids, and lost. Much like I felt in the days before I told them I was leaving, once I finally made up my mind to do it and stop torturing myself.

I feel like every step forward has been preceeded by 100 steps backwards.

Even my gratitude journal is struggling with entries like “I woke up!” or “I didn’t hear from Harpy!”

The job hunt is frustrating.  I have applied to eight jobs in the new city, and only one responded, but ultimately they don’t want to wait until May to fill the position. I applied to edit 50 word product descriptions for Best Buy as a telecommuting agent, and was denied because I am not skilled enough! That was annoying, with 25 years of experience I am not skilled enough???! What???!!! I have some other freelance apps in but they are difficult to win, but I will keep trying.

I know, things take time. Even my divorce journey. But lately it seems that it takes forever to get to a good place, and then I am back in the darkness really quickly.

I can’t wait for the end of this darkness.

Just STFU Ok????

So now every day I have to hear in person or read via text about how displeased Almost Ex is that I am not working. Today was a reminder that there is such a thing as an unemployment benefit: “If you’re having trouble finding work you ought to see if you can at least get unemployment compensation.” Thanks Almost Ex, I had no idea that still existed! I love the “at least” part.  Not.

I think I will call him Harpy from now on since he is constantly harping on something involving my life.

Saturday he reminded me he is worried for our children’s well-being because I haven’t found a job. I said they will be fine.  He got mad as usual.  He was fishing to find out how I am paying my bills! It doesn’t make sense to me how they are harmed if I am still able to pay my bills and am supporting myself and mostly happier.

Then today he had to tell me to seek unemployment. Which of course I did not drop everything to look into since he told me to. But I am smart enough to know I didn’t need to look into it.  I resigned. It doesn’t matter I didn’t finish my two weeks. I live in an at-will state, either party can end the work relationship at any time for any reason. Later I did look at the eligibility…. And lo and behold, you generally are not eligible to receive unemployment benefits if you resign, unless you were told resign or be fired, and I wasn’t, and I have no proof only a hunch that I was going to be, or if I can prove that the environment was persistently and degeneratively hostile (or some such weird wording). Well, seeing as my supervisor was only hostile to me and she is a member of the firm’s founding family, I really don’t think I could prove I deserve the benefit. Whatever.

So Harpy, STFU about it OK? If you can’t STFU, you ought to at least complain to your sucky attorney that she is costing us too much money by sitting on her ass picking her nose and ignoring correspondence from my attorney! If you could worry about her and getting this divorce finalized instead of what I am doing that you don’t like it would be very greatly appreciated. K thx buh bye.

Sent with Love

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There’s a page I follow on Facebook that talks about signs from the afterlife, and if you are open and believe you will see them. One day they talked about heart shapes, but it was old news to me as I have found heart shaped rocks, marks in waxed paper, even in a blob of chocolate sauce. This leaf was found on “my side” of the driveway at my old house when I dropped my son off for the bus. I am just two minutes away but in a different school district. “Just another thing to deal with” as Almost Ex says.

This sign, sent with love from Heaven, was much needed as my daughter is still being ugly acting. No matter what I do to correct the behavior she just keeps on like I didn’t say a word. Frustrating to say the least. I have told both of them I am doing the best I can and they could do a lot worse, and at least they still have their mother. The thing is, they don’t get it. They haven’t lost anyone close to them yet. So I felt like my mom was saying, “I know, it’s hard but you are a good mom, you learned from the best.” said with a smirk.

I think she is trying very hard to send me signs right now, to reassure me, to give me love the only way she can.

And I just derailed myself. Lost my thought, had to do some mindless chores to calm myself. The random moments of loss are the killer ones. It’s been 19 1/2 years, I should be used to it by now. But that’s the thing about grief, you get used to its constant presence, and then it comes in a different way and knocks you on your ass. You never get to be fully free from it.

It’s what I use to cheer myself, it’s my pain barometer of sorts. July 23, 1999 was the worst day of my life, and there is nothing else that will ever be as bad as losing my young mother. I somehow made it through that darkness, and I will make it through whatever else comes my way. I made it through because I had something happy to look forward to.

Today I gave myself something to look forward to and distract myself from the pain of my daughter’s moods and the limbo of my divorce. I applied to be a contract delivery driver for a flower shop and deliver flowers for Valentine’s Day!

It’s not a lot of money, but it is still income. Although I have some disbursement funds I didn’t expect to have, I am trying to “pretend” I don’t have them and am being very frugal so I don’t spend them too quickly. So this delivery money will help me with groceries, gas, or a furniture payment…little things, but less I will need to pull from my disbursement.

But it will also help me have a purpose for a few days. It will make me happy to help people know they are loved, to give them flowers that were sent with love from their people who are still here.

Love heals.

 

No Excuse

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Amen to that. And they come so randomly, after you think things are getting better and you are moving on, after you think you are healing. And when these hurtful words come, we tend to make excuses for the person, that he was having a hard day, that she was hormonal, that it’s a teenage thing. But really, hurtful words are inappropriate expressions of hurt and anger, and there is no excuse for being hateful to anyone, especially the people you most care about.

Today I was happy, I had a long but short weekend with My Girl, and I saw my therapist before I got my kids back. And then they get in the car and start bickering and being mean, and ignore my pleas to be kind to each other or be quiet if they can’t be nice, which is normal on Change Residence Day. Usually they settle after a few hours.

They were watching a show On Demand. At 10:15 I told them they couldn’t watch all of it because it is a school night and already later than I like them to be up. A asked for 5 more minutes and M didn’t say anything so I said fine. Then he got ready for bed and she turned the TV on in their bedroom. I said no, TV was not going to be on in the bedroom. She began to argue and say she is getting ready for bed, she didn’t want to watch in the family room and it wouldn’t bother A.  I said turn it off and she said no. I took her phone for talking back. She turned her tablet on. I took that too. Then she called me a stupid piece of shit and I slapped her. I am not proud of it, but I was spanked as a child and it is needed sometimes. Today’s youth is so damn entitled.

She laughed at me and said wow, it hit her ear, did I want to make her deaf? And then said she didn’t say that about me. Then she heard me crying in my room and told me to get a tissue!

I was so hurt and surprised that my own child could say something so hurtful. She has said hurtful things to me before but never like that. Those four words cut me to my soul, and no, I will not forgive it as a normal teenage thing. Because I had been spanked as a child, I was afraid to talk to my mother like that, teenager or not! I will not raise my daughter to think she can get away with childish and inappropriate language, though that is going to be hard these next four years with a childish and inappropriate president.

If she can be so ugly over not being allowed to watch tv, what in the hell will she say when I tell her I am moving out of state and in love with a woman? God. How will I bear it? I’m finding comfort in the quote “no one ever died from a divorce.” But it sure feels like I could!

I told Almost Ex and asked him to try to help me punish her and limit friend activities for at least a month. I said limit because I can’t control what he does, and because he doesn’t like to “deal with her” I expect she won’t be grounded long with him. It will be a long damn time before I allow her to do anything! His phone was off so I won’t know what he thinks until tomorrow.   He used to say I made excuses for them. I wonder now if he will say that this is my fault too? I don’t care what he thinks but I do care what he tells our children.

Four words that tore out my heart, that shattered the progress I felt we had made, that made me sob. Four words from my firstborn, that I had to have help to have, that I love more than anything and would gladly offer my life to save hers, just four words to crush me and bring back the guilt and sadness and take me 100 steps backward.

Maybe one day it will be a joke like at the end of the movie “Bad Moms” when one of the real life moms of the actresses says her daughter called her a bitch and they laughed.

But until that day, I have to try to shake it off and hope that it is just normal teenager stuff and that we will be ok eventually.

I wish my skin was thicker.

What Time is it?

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I say this when the alarm goes off. When I have been at work ten minutes and my boss emails me with a nasty tone for something that shouldn’t even be a concern. When Almost Ex or my kids are annoyed by or annoying me. When it’s time for bed and I know I won’t be able to sleep easily or restfully.

Except for My Girl, my life just generally sucks ass right now. I am down so low I can’t see any light at all and wonder how I will find the strength to keep moving to get through it.

I know. I woke up today. There are people in far worse situations than me. But could I just have something good happen to give me hope Universe? Isn’t it time for things to get better yet?