Progress….

It seems like longer than 21 days since I wrote. I guess when I barely know one day from another and don’t have much “going on” it’s to be expected. At least the frequent arguments of my elderly neighbors downstairs that involve many “fuck yous” and “get the fuck out of heres” make me glad that I will soon be out of here! See, always a positive in the day.

Anywho. My progress. The last conversation will be had on Saturday. He texted me yesterday to ask if we can discuss my divorce settlement offer on Saturday after I drop the kids off. I was so surprised that 1. his lawyer finally got off her ass and did something, nearly three months later, and 2. that he didn’t relay it through our daughter!

But it pissed me off too. Why couldn’t he just discuss it yesterday when I picked up the kids???? Why does every damn thing need to be on HIS terms???? Why is he making me fret about it for three days and why am I letting him????? That truly is the problem, I still let him get to me and try to control me. I hope that will pass eventually.

So I know he is going to freak out, but it will likely get him talking to his lawyer because you know, I don’t know what I am doing/talking about and he won’t believe me that he can’t do anything to keep the kids away from me. Our state doesn’t give a crap who the parents see or when as long as there are no criminal charges against the person. My Girl assures me there is no record against her! 🙂

And I have a little good news on the job front…My Girl told me about a transcription company that is entirely remote. I had never done transcription before, but the physical jobs don’t seem to be reading too far past my “I will be relocating in May…” statement so nothing is happening there. And when I think about it, remote work may be a good thing right now, to get used to living in a bigger city without having to worry about driving (gulp!) and be able to have time with my kids during the summer, if things work out that they are with me with camps and whatever else he schedules. So I applied and found the exam easy enough, and they hired me. I’m not making enough to live on yet, and right now it’s tough to snag a job, but at least I have something to do sometimes, and if I only make enough to buy a candy bar or a scrapbook goodie….oh well, it’s less I am using my debit card for. It’s more about I feel like a normal person again.

So….wish me luck for Saturday….!

 

Good Timing

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I needed to see this today. I’m feeling very blah, not sleeping, irritable and impatient with my kids, and lost. Much like I felt in the days before I told them I was leaving, once I finally made up my mind to do it and stop torturing myself.

I feel like every step forward has been preceeded by 100 steps backwards.

Even my gratitude journal is struggling with entries like “I woke up!” or “I didn’t hear from Harpy!”

The job hunt is frustrating.  I have applied to eight jobs in the new city, and only one responded, but ultimately they don’t want to wait until May to fill the position. I applied to edit 50 word product descriptions for Best Buy as a telecommuting agent, and was denied because I am not skilled enough! That was annoying, with 25 years of experience I am not skilled enough???! What???!!! I have some other freelance apps in but they are difficult to win, but I will keep trying.

I know, things take time. Even my divorce journey. But lately it seems that it takes forever to get to a good place, and then I am back in the darkness really quickly.

I can’t wait for the end of this darkness.

Just STFU Ok????

So now every day I have to hear in person or read via text about how displeased Almost Ex is that I am not working. Today was a reminder that there is such a thing as an unemployment benefit: “If you’re having trouble finding work you ought to see if you can at least get unemployment compensation.” Thanks Almost Ex, I had no idea that still existed! I love the “at least” part.  Not.

I think I will call him Harpy from now on since he is constantly harping on something involving my life.

Saturday he reminded me he is worried for our children’s well-being because I haven’t found a job. I said they will be fine.  He got mad as usual.  He was fishing to find out how I am paying my bills! It doesn’t make sense to me how they are harmed if I am still able to pay my bills and am supporting myself and mostly happier.

Then today he had to tell me to seek unemployment. Which of course I did not drop everything to look into since he told me to. But I am smart enough to know I didn’t need to look into it.  I resigned. It doesn’t matter I didn’t finish my two weeks. I live in an at-will state, either party can end the work relationship at any time for any reason. Later I did look at the eligibility…. And lo and behold, you generally are not eligible to receive unemployment benefits if you resign, unless you were told resign or be fired, and I wasn’t, and I have no proof only a hunch that I was going to be, or if I can prove that the environment was persistently and degeneratively hostile (or some such weird wording). Well, seeing as my supervisor was only hostile to me and she is a member of the firm’s founding family, I really don’t think I could prove I deserve the benefit. Whatever.

So Harpy, STFU about it OK? If you can’t STFU, you ought to at least complain to your sucky attorney that she is costing us too much money by sitting on her ass picking her nose and ignoring correspondence from my attorney! If you could worry about her and getting this divorce finalized instead of what I am doing that you don’t like it would be very greatly appreciated. K thx buh bye.

Sent with Love

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There’s a page I follow on Facebook that talks about signs from the afterlife, and if you are open and believe you will see them. One day they talked about heart shapes, but it was old news to me as I have found heart shaped rocks, marks in waxed paper, even in a blob of chocolate sauce. This leaf was found on “my side” of the driveway at my old house when I dropped my son off for the bus. I am just two minutes away but in a different school district. “Just another thing to deal with” as Almost Ex says.

This sign, sent with love from Heaven, was much needed as my daughter is still being ugly acting. No matter what I do to correct the behavior she just keeps on like I didn’t say a word. Frustrating to say the least. I have told both of them I am doing the best I can and they could do a lot worse, and at least they still have their mother. The thing is, they don’t get it. They haven’t lost anyone close to them yet. So I felt like my mom was saying, “I know, it’s hard but you are a good mom, you learned from the best.” said with a smirk.

I think she is trying very hard to send me signs right now, to reassure me, to give me love the only way she can.

And I just derailed myself. Lost my thought, had to do some mindless chores to calm myself. The random moments of loss are the killer ones. It’s been 19 1/2 years, I should be used to it by now. But that’s the thing about grief, you get used to its constant presence, and then it comes in a different way and knocks you on your ass. You never get to be fully free from it.

It’s what I use to cheer myself, it’s my pain barometer of sorts. July 23, 1999 was the worst day of my life, and there is nothing else that will ever be as bad as losing my young mother. I somehow made it through that darkness, and I will make it through whatever else comes my way. I made it through because I had something happy to look forward to.

Today I gave myself something to look forward to and distract myself from the pain of my daughter’s moods and the limbo of my divorce. I applied to be a contract delivery driver for a flower shop and deliver flowers for Valentine’s Day!

It’s not a lot of money, but it is still income. Although I have some disbursement funds I didn’t expect to have, I am trying to “pretend” I don’t have them and am being very frugal so I don’t spend them too quickly. So this delivery money will help me with groceries, gas, or a furniture payment…little things, but less I will need to pull from my disbursement.

But it will also help me have a purpose for a few days. It will make me happy to help people know they are loved, to give them flowers that were sent with love from their people who are still here.

Love heals.

 

No Excuse

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Amen to that. And they come so randomly, after you think things are getting better and you are moving on, after you think you are healing. And when these hurtful words come, we tend to make excuses for the person, that he was having a hard day, that she was hormonal, that it’s a teenage thing. But really, hurtful words are inappropriate expressions of hurt and anger, and there is no excuse for being hateful to anyone, especially the people you most care about.

Today I was happy, I had a long but short weekend with My Girl, and I saw my therapist before I got my kids back. And then they get in the car and start bickering and being mean, and ignore my pleas to be kind to each other or be quiet if they can’t be nice, which is normal on Change Residence Day. Usually they settle after a few hours.

They were watching a show On Demand. At 10:15 I told them they couldn’t watch all of it because it is a school night and already later than I like them to be up. A asked for 5 more minutes and M didn’t say anything so I said fine. Then he got ready for bed and she turned the TV on in their bedroom. I said no, TV was not going to be on in the bedroom. She began to argue and say she is getting ready for bed, she didn’t want to watch in the family room and it wouldn’t bother A.  I said turn it off and she said no. I took her phone for talking back. She turned her tablet on. I took that too. Then she called me a stupid piece of shit and I slapped her. I am not proud of it, but I was spanked as a child and it is needed sometimes. Today’s youth is so damn entitled.

She laughed at me and said wow, it hit her ear, did I want to make her deaf? And then said she didn’t say that about me. Then she heard me crying in my room and told me to get a tissue!

I was so hurt and surprised that my own child could say something so hurtful. She has said hurtful things to me before but never like that. Those four words cut me to my soul, and no, I will not forgive it as a normal teenage thing. Because I had been spanked as a child, I was afraid to talk to my mother like that, teenager or not! I will not raise my daughter to think she can get away with childish and inappropriate language, though that is going to be hard these next four years with a childish and inappropriate president.

If she can be so ugly over not being allowed to watch tv, what in the hell will she say when I tell her I am moving out of state and in love with a woman? God. How will I bear it? I’m finding comfort in the quote “no one ever died from a divorce.” But it sure feels like I could!

I told Almost Ex and asked him to try to help me punish her and limit friend activities for at least a month. I said limit because I can’t control what he does, and because he doesn’t like to “deal with her” I expect she won’t be grounded long with him. It will be a long damn time before I allow her to do anything! His phone was off so I won’t know what he thinks until tomorrow.   He used to say I made excuses for them. I wonder now if he will say that this is my fault too? I don’t care what he thinks but I do care what he tells our children.

Four words that tore out my heart, that shattered the progress I felt we had made, that made me sob. Four words from my firstborn, that I had to have help to have, that I love more than anything and would gladly offer my life to save hers, just four words to crush me and bring back the guilt and sadness and take me 100 steps backward.

Maybe one day it will be a joke like at the end of the movie “Bad Moms” when one of the real life moms of the actresses says her daughter called her a bitch and they laughed.

But until that day, I have to try to shake it off and hope that it is just normal teenager stuff and that we will be ok eventually.

I wish my skin was thicker.

What Time is it?

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I say this when the alarm goes off. When I have been at work ten minutes and my boss emails me with a nasty tone for something that shouldn’t even be a concern. When Almost Ex or my kids are annoyed by or annoying me. When it’s time for bed and I know I won’t be able to sleep easily or restfully.

Except for My Girl, my life just generally sucks ass right now. I am down so low I can’t see any light at all and wonder how I will find the strength to keep moving to get through it.

I know. I woke up today. There are people in far worse situations than me. But could I just have something good happen to give me hope Universe? Isn’t it time for things to get better yet?

 

 

Just Do It

“Don’t overanalyze what will or could happen. Just do it and expect there to be drama with him. It’s how he communicates, and you can’t control that so why let it get to you?” ~ S, my therapist

The thing I hate about writing is if I am too stressed I can’t do it, as much as I may want and need to. The words won’t come or they sound terrible to me. Although I had a lot to say, I couldn’t find the right quote and had no energy or desire to just do it anyway. And then two months are gone and I feel shitty for not writing!

Honestly I am ready for 2016 to be over. I am so tired of all the passive aggressive antics that Husband (R from now on because I don’t want to keep writing Husband) provides nearly every day. Tired of him calling me, well our daughter actually, ten minutes before an event that will take me 20 minutes to get to, and then calling every five wondering where I am and when I will get there. Tired of him telling me things through our children and then getting angry that I asked him not to do that but call me directly. Tired of him caring what I do or buy or where I go. Tired of not sleeping. Tired of being sick. Tired of busting my ass at work and then getting ambushed and told I am not doing my job or meeting expectations when I was doing two people’s jobs all summer, with deadlines out the wazoo, while dealing with separation and custody and learning how to be alone sometimes and being ok with my life choices! Gee, sorry I forgot to do a few things I never knew I was responsible for while my life exploded!

There are a lot of things this year that I never thought I would know….besides the obvious and the reason for this blog…and one is that I would have a therapist. S is a very kind older woman, and we have just started and haven’t gotten anywhere close to the real issue of the sperm donor leaving….but she has helped me begin to get over the need for approval. She has helped me not obsess over what could happen as much, to stay in today, to deal with things when they happen.

I drove myself crazy worrying about telling R, and our children, and moving out and managing everything alone, and telling people I left R for a woman. R reacted the way I expected, but the other reactions were so much less than I convinced myself I would receive. But that didn’t stop me from worrying about telling R I retained a lawyer and was advised to stop giving him money since we share custody 50/50. I was making my life more stressful for no reason.

Then S told me to just do it, to just expect him to act difficult about it all, and get on with things. He can be upset all he wants but I can’t control that. I can only control how I react to it, but I can also be prepared for it and not give him the power anymore. What is the worst that can happen now? He files to divorce me and people see it in the paper and wonder what I did. So what. I want a divorce anyway, and the people I trust and love and cherish will know why because I will tell them. Those that mind don’t matter, those that matter don’t mind.

It’s actually refreshing to begin to let go of the what could happen and grasp the deal with it when it does mindset…to just do it and live my life no matter what happens, no matter what people think. It will be ok.