It was a cold and rainy day. I did one errand and then went home and became a hermit, and cancelled plans for dinner. I didn’t want to talk to anyone or be “on.” I spent the day working on a project for my daughter’s 16th birthday, and that creative time was wonderful and much needed.
For the most part, I’m shutting down because I am apart from My Girl. She will be upset by that, but I can’t help it. I feel lost and can’t concentrate, and I’m not hungry, and don’t want to be in public with happy couples everywhere. I don’t want to be around anyone, period.
Some of this is from work. Last week was almost constant people going against the corporate marketing standard and telling me they don’t care, they want to win, and then telling me to change everything back to the way I had told them to do it because they ran into problems their way. I also received several lessons I didn’t need or care about because engineers sometimes just have to explain the obvious to you. Annoying. So I am annoyed, and exhausted from the stress.
But some of my shutting down is because I am just not in a great place. I’m trying to hold it all in and be strong for My Girl, and then she ends up being strong for me. I don’t want her to do that. She needs to do this for her, not me. I feel like I am letting her down, though I leave her supportive messages at least twice a day, because I am not strong enough when we talk.
She has been able to call me just about every day. I love hearing from her, but I feel like I always end up saying something that is upsetting, or don’t talk enough, or I just start crying.
She is doing well, for only being in full treatment about a week. She has made several important breakthroughs already. She wants to be with me, she wants to be close to me and have a truly happy and loving life with me. She wants to do the work to get there. I am proud of her. I support this, but God I miss her so much.
I want to be with her too, God how I want that! But a part of me says, well, maybe she will realize you are not the one she wants. Maybe you aren’t enough for her. Maybe you are too much for her. Maybe the therapists will say she shouldn’t be in a relationship at all.
This part of me is a bitch, because she says, oh she is getting so close with her roommate and she didn’t allow herself to get close to you. How’s that feel? My Girl had mentioned that she shares my messages with her roommate, to show her how loving and supportive I am. I asked her to please not share any of my cards because they are much more personal, and then I started crying because I wanted something just between us. My Girl thought I was upset with her, and asked if I felt threatened. I wasn’t upset, but I guess I did feel threatened, but I don’t understand why.
This bitchy part of me says oh her work friend keeps telling you how much she loves and misses Your Girl. That means there is much more to their relationship than you think and she is going to steal Your Girl away.
I understand I am being irrational and have no reason to be jealous or threatened. Of course I can’t discuss it with My Girl, because I will not intentionally upset her and won’t push her backwards. I just don’t know why I feel like this.
I’m going to see her next Sunday. I’m going across the country to see her for a few hours on Sunday. I don’t care, I would do it for five minutes. That will help both of us greatly. Hopefully the bitch in me will be quiet then.
This relationship is so different than any other, for more reasons than the obvious one. I truly have never been emotionally paralyzed when I was apart from my boyfriend/husband. I ache for her. Things are not right until I am with her. It’s so strong, but I think I fear it too. I fear it will be taken away, though we have been through so much, how could it not withstand this?
I know it will, but yet my voices make me question. How do I lower their volume?