Well Now I Feel Shitty!

I’m at My Girl’s house taking care of the fur babies. I remembered not to turn the porch light on, because I didn’t have candy. I had the hall light on but didn’t think that would matter. It did.

The doorbell rang, and I thought maybe it was a neighbor or the management people, with something important about My Girl. Because on Halloween at 7 pm that’s exactly why someone’s doorbell rings. 😞

So I answered, and there was a little girl there, too young to remember to say trick-or-treat, just standing there with her little bucket up. And when I said, “Oh, you look so cute but I’m sorry I don’t have any candy,” her face just fell and she looked at her mom like WTF????

I felt awful and lamely said, “Well my light wasn’t on. I’m sorry.” The mom said it’s OK. And probably walked away with her friend saying well why did she answer the damn door then??!?

Why did I? I don’t know but it broke my heart. Why do I care about upsetting a family I don’t even know?? Because I am too emotional. I feel shitty and I didn’t do anything wrong really! Yeah I shouldn’t have opened the door but they shouldn’t have come to it either.

Sigh. I’m just overly sensitive lately I guess.

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Why Do I Feel Like This?

It was a cold and rainy day. I did one errand and then went home and became a hermit, and cancelled plans for dinner. I didn’t want to talk to anyone or be “on.” I spent the day working on a project for my daughter’s 16th birthday, and that creative time was wonderful and much needed.

For the most part, I’m shutting down because I am apart from My Girl. She will be upset by that, but I can’t help it. I feel lost and can’t concentrate, and I’m not hungry, and don’t want to be in public with happy couples everywhere. I don’t want to be around anyone, period.

Some of this is from work. Last week was almost constant people going against the corporate marketing standard and telling me they don’t care, they want to win, and then telling me to change everything back to the way I had told them to do it because they ran into problems their way. I also received several lessons I didn’t need or care about because engineers sometimes just have to explain the obvious to you. Annoying. So I am annoyed, and exhausted from the stress.

But some of my shutting down is because I am just not in a great place. I’m trying to hold it all in and be strong for My Girl, and then she ends up being strong for me. I don’t want her to do that. She needs to do this for her, not me. I feel like I am letting her down,  though I leave her supportive messages at least twice a day, because I am not strong enough when we talk.

She has been able to call me just about every day. I love hearing from her, but I feel like I always end up saying something that is upsetting, or don’t talk enough, or I just start crying.

She is doing well, for only being in full treatment about a week. She has made several important breakthroughs already. She wants to be with me, she wants to be close to me and have a truly happy and loving life with me. She wants to do the work to get there. I am proud of her. I support this, but God I miss her so much.

I want to be with her too, God how I want that! But a part of me says, well, maybe she will realize you are not the one she wants. Maybe you aren’t enough for her. Maybe you are too much for her. Maybe the therapists will say she shouldn’t be in a relationship at all.

This part of me is a bitch, because she says, oh she is getting so close with her roommate and she didn’t allow herself to get close to you. How’s that feel? My Girl had mentioned that she shares my messages with her roommate, to show her how loving and supportive I am. I asked her to please not share any of my cards because they are much more personal, and then I started crying because I wanted something just between us. My Girl thought I was upset with her, and asked if I felt threatened. I wasn’t upset, but I guess I did feel threatened, but I don’t understand why.

This bitchy part of me says oh her work friend keeps telling you how much she loves and misses Your Girl. That means there  is much more to their relationship than you think and she is going to steal Your Girl away.

I understand I am being irrational and have no reason to be jealous or threatened. Of course I can’t discuss it with My Girl, because I will not intentionally upset her and won’t push her backwards. I just don’t know why I feel like this.

I’m going to see her next Sunday. I’m going across the country to see her for a few hours on Sunday. I don’t care, I would do it for five minutes. That will help both of us greatly. Hopefully the bitch in me will be quiet then.

This relationship is so different than any other, for more reasons than the obvious one. I truly have never been emotionally paralyzed when I was apart from my boyfriend/husband. I ache for her. Things are not right until I am with her. It’s so strong, but I think I fear it too. I fear it will be taken away, though we have been through so much, how could it not withstand this?

I know it will, but yet my voices make me question. How do I lower their volume?

Ain’t No Sunshine When She’s Gone….

That song has been stuck in my head, especially at night, which is ironic and actually makes me smile.

“Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone
Only darkness every day
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone
And this house just ain’t no home…”

I never felt like this before. I feel lost. Lonely. Unsure. I am going through the motions… Cat time to cat time as we like to say when things are bad. Just get thru until the next time we care for our cats.

There was some good in the week, besides it is one week of this separation done. My daughter had fun at homecoming and looked beautiful, and her date wasn’t as shy as she had thought he would be. My kids and I went mini golfing and had a very close game, and I actually won for once! Had a good talk with my therapist too. And best of all I was offered a full-time position with the company I am contracting with!!!

I texted these things to My Girl, even though she can’t read them. I left messages. I told her quickly in the few minutes she has been able to call. But I can’t see her face, or have a congratulations hug. How I miss that. She is so affectionate and it’s hard not having that visual affirmation or physical touch.

I think she is beginning to make progress. She has full days of many different types of therapy for body and mind. She is comforted by the people with similar thoughts. But it is hard to not have tv, or music, or her phone to distract her mind.

I miss her. I hate not being able to talk to her and not knowing when I will talk to her again. Her oldest friend and brother don’t help me much. They haven’t really asked how I am doing in all this. At least her brother thanks me for any updates I give him. I guess I should just remember they are men after all and not as emotional. She has said she really only wants to talk to me. I get it, they mean well but would probably upset her without really meaning to by being insensitive.

I didn’t talk to her tonight, so that’s probably why I am so sad. I feel too scattered to even know how to end this, so guess I will just say goodnight.

“Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone
It’s not warm when she’s away.” I can’t wait to have sunshine again.

A Bittersweet Weekend

It’s been a busy and bittersweet weekend.

Friday I traveled back to my home state to visit my kids for Homecoming. I also said, “See you later” to My Girl, and I have no idea when later will be.

She wants me to write about this however I need to, and gave me the OK to give details.

She suffers from depression, and possibly PTSD, and also has anemia, and is going through menopause. Quite a lot to deal with at once! Her mother and grandmother both were severely depressed, and her mom tried to kill herself a few times.

My Girl has had a difficult time the last few months, and didn’t fully express herself to me. Then, a friend from her old life died suddenly at 47 from a suspected aneurysm, and that was the straw that broke the camel’s back. My Girl spiraled quickly into darkness, and couldn’t get out. Her therapist had told her that loss brings loss…. And every loss brings the memories of her best friend’s suicide and her survivor’s guilt flooding back. This time, she couldn’t cope and Googled ways to kill herself that wouldn’t be too painful.

Then she decided she needed help, that she really didn’t want to kill herself.  Thank God for that! She told her therapist and they made arrangements to get My Girl into a residential treatment facility.

My Girl told me we needed to talk, but that it was a good thing and it would bring us closer, she wasn’t breaking up with me. Unfortunately she is not good with serious conversations, and either blurts it out or puts it off as long as possible hoping for the best time to tell me.  This time she waited, because I was happy and she didn’t want to ruin it. I had finally gotten to go on a business trip to my new firm’s corporate office, and my visit with my children was coming up.

Finally she told me, and it certainly was not what I expected! It was difficult and I had so many conflicting emotions, and felt selfish too. I didn’t want her to go across the country. I didn’t know it was so bad. I was the last to know because she made as many arrangements as she could so I wouldn’t have to worry about as much. I was worried about her.

I cried a lot that weekend. Then I realized that I would rather she go and get the help she needs than to have to live with knowing she asked for help and I didn’t listen and she couldn’t live in pain anymore. I am lost when we are apart, but at least right now our separation is temporary. I can’t bear a permanent separation.

Later I told her she had a “Get busy living or get busy dying” (The Shawshank Redemption) moment. Seek help or don’t. Find ways to express this pain and learn tools to cope, or don’t. She wants to live, and be the best person she can be, for both of us. I am thankful for that.

Treatment is extensive, and is a minimum of 2 weeks. She expects to be there about a month.

So Friday, she brought me coffee on the way to work, and that was the last time I will see her for awhile. Saturday she left for the treatment center, and checked in yesterday. She was finally able to call around 7:30 last night. They are allowed one call to tell family that they are safe, and then all contact with the outside world is cut off for a period of time. She can receive letters though, so that is good. Even though I knew she was going to be out of touch, I still kept checking my phone for her texts. We text a lot, and always say goodnight. I miss that already.

So I have a few more days here, and then I go back to my new home. Although it’s not home without My Girl. I will be taking care of her cats, so that will help me. And I guess I can work on my apartment, though I had decided to start looking for a house and so I may unpack only to have to pack it all up in a few months when my lease expires. But such is life I guess, things may change at any time and you have to just adjust the best you can even if it’s not convenient or easy.

But one good thing was that ex and I talked, and although he still guilt tripped me, he has become slightly less angry and is willing to let me have the kids for a week over Christmas and six weeks in the summer. Before,  Christmas was not an option and summer was about 3-4 weeks. Still, progress. We also agreed on a child support payment which is significantly less than the state would determine.

I see my therapist today, and I am so happy for that! The hour will go quickly though. While I want my time with my children to go slowly, I want all my other hours to fly by so that My Girl will be home.

It’s going to be a tough road for a bit, though certainly my road is paved and easier to travel compared to hers. I hope I can help her from afar.

 

And Just When I Thought Things Were Settling…

I got hit with another curve ball.

Not from ex, he is still being the same controlling grouch he has been. Not with kids, they are fine and are happy they will see me this coming weekend.

It’s My Girl. I shouldn’t be surprised, we haven’t had an easy path by any means. No, we haven’t broken up and aren’t going to!

To protect her privacy, I am only going to say she made a really hard decision that will take her on a path she must travel alone for a little while.

It was a difficult weekend as I struggled with this decision. It hurt me that she is hurting so much and I couldn’t see it, that I couldn’t help her. But finally after many tears I came to a better understanding. I need her in my life, and I don’t want to have to live with any “if only she had gotten help….” thoughts.

Please if you pray, send one up for her, to be strong, to trust, and to heal.

My Grown-up Decision

I just made a call to a lender to get things rolling to pre-qualify to buy a house! Gulp! It hit me as soon as I hung up that this is really serious, that I am making plans for my life, my way. I am making grown-up decisions.

I realized that my apartment isn’t big enough for My Girl and I, my kids, our fur children, and all the stuff we have collected! Plus she has been having a hard time with her health so stairs are becoming a problem. It’s not life threatening thankfully!

I was torn about renting or buying a house before I moved, and ultimately decided that it would be too much to look for a house from another state. Plus with not knowing how long I would be unemployed, I didn’t think I would be approved for anything decent anyway.

But the other day, it just hit me that I should start looking for a one-story house, maybe a slight fixer upper, so that My Girl and I can live together and I can help her better, and help her get better. It was so strong, like when I thought I need to move to her state. It felt right.

I have never owned my own house, fully responsible. It’s an odd decision to make at this point in my life….but I also don’t think I want to rent forever and have no equity. It isn’t my first grown-up decision, but it still makes me feel excited and in awe that I can (hopefully) do this.

Today would have been my 18th wedding anniversary, so it’s fitting that I made the call today. It already seems so long ago that I was happy with him, but the pain of loss has not subsided. But I believe I am being guided by my angels and the Universe, so I trust that it is the right time to do this. If not now, when?

Life does go on.

 

 

And So, It’s Over

Late August I received an email from the lawyer that the paperwork was finalized. Today I received the settlement check.

And after nearly a year, I am divorced and off the mortgage. Out of his life, well as much as I can be with kids together. For as much aggravation as his lawyer caused, I didn’t expect the end to be so quiet, so anticlimactic, I guess.

I haven’t heard from him, except for a few very terse responses to my telling him I found a seamstress for our daughter’s homecoming dress and I made her hair appointment. That seems strange to me, that he has been so angry and passive aggressive the whole way, and now he is quiet. Is he happy? Relieved? Sad? Taking any responsibility? I don’t know. I guess it doesn’t really matter.

I don’t know how I feel. I’ve spent 20 years with him and have two amazing children I love so much. It’s hard to wrap my mind around the fact that that chapter is closed. That he isn’t my forever. That now I will miss things my kids do. That I chose this path.

I know it’s just fresh. I know it will pass eventually. I hope the pain doesn’t take as long to fade as my divorce took to be final.