On the Road to a New Normal

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Me and “the boys” huddled in the empty corner

In a few hours, most of my belongings will be making their way to their new home. I will be flying out at crack ass for unloading, then spending the weekend with My Girl…. If she still wants me after I become Ms. Cranky Exhausted Grouchypants from the too early flight and the stress of moving! 😜 I will be driving to stay, with “the boys,” at the end of the month.

It’s been an interesting day. Lots of emotions. Saw my therapist and she was so excited and supportive, and we made a treatment plan which allows me to be seen as far as four months out. She feels I have made great progress, but we haven’t even touched on the reason I was referred to her, my “sperm donor.” She can’t do phone calls or Skype, and since I will be coming back to see my kids, it should work out. She reminded me to stay in today, and realize many mistakes are still to be made, but many more successes too.

Then I had to deal with Probably Never Ex and he was such a pain in my butt! He was hovering over the movers making sure they didn’t wander through the house stealing things. Obnoxiously and loudly saying, “No, that doesn’t go.” after I had just told them what WAS going. I guess because I don’t have a clue as to what is mine or not.

I decided to stay in my apartment tonight because I have to leave around 3:30 a.m. and didn’t want to disturb J or her kids. I asked the movers to leave the chaise cushion to sleep on. Being here with just a few things reminds me of my first nights here after I left, only now the sadness isn’t the strongest emotion.

It truly is amazing how much things change in a short time. Now I am just a few weeks away from changing my life road and heading to a new normal.

We’ll see what happens….good or bad, but no regrets.

 

 

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No More Stress, OK?

I told my friend J that after this move, I am done with stressful events for a long time. Yeah, if only it was that easy.

Next Wednesday my furniture in my apartment and old house are going to be loaded for their road trip. I have boxes every damn where, and even shipped some to myself already, but it doesn’t really seem like I am getting anywhere with packing! I’m trying to tell myself the boxes are just too small, but damn I have a lot of crap! I’m glad I gave myself a few days before my lease expires, otherwise I think I would be seriously fucked right about now getting everything done. I keep telling myself not everything needs to go now, some can go with me in my car or stay with J until she can help me bring it down. But still, it’s overwhelming. I haven’t even begun to do anything at the house. I just couldn’t.

Then I am stressing myself out by worrying that my kids aren’t upset enough. WTF is that about? I should be glad they are OK. They both said they are willing to figure it out as we go, so why can’t I believe them? Mom guilt, that’s why.

Though at least they aren’t dwelling on it like Probably Never Ex is. I can barely stand to talk to him for even a minute lately. Between the negativity and passive aggressive comments, I could scream.

At least his sloth-like lawyer has shown signs of life. Though she told Probably Never Ex that she reached out to my attorney weeks ago. I figured it was a lie to placate him for sitting on my offer for three months. Lo and behold, my lawyer sent me a copy of their counter offer….dated May 2! I seriously do not know how his attorney can maintain a practice!

My cashed out retirement funds are just about gone, so there’s more stress. Though I did apply to an employment agency and the recruiter called me immediately and said marketing is hot right now, and scheduled a meeting for next Friday afternoon. She said she is confident she can place me quickly, so that’s a bit of good news, and brings hope.

I also applied for a credit card through my bank and was approved, so now I have a little more ability to stay afloat, barely, but still, above water is better than below!

I told J I will be so happy when June is here and I am officially in my new life, but I will probably sleep all month from the exhaustion of it all.

Just please God, no more stress right now, ok?

Saturday Update

Saturday Almost Ex and I talked about my divorce settlement offer and I told him I was moving. It was a civil discussion, and some parts went better than expected, and some went as expected.

Then today I got a text saying that he understands I want to be happy but he wishes I would reconsider moving away because my children need to be happy too. Thanks for that…not. 😦

I don’t really want to share any more right now….

I know there are many more hills on this rollercoaster but at least the ride seems to be slowing down some.

Progress….

It seems like longer than 21 days since I wrote. I guess when I barely know one day from another and don’t have much “going on” it’s to be expected. At least the frequent arguments of my elderly neighbors downstairs that involve many “fuck yous” and “get the fuck out of heres” make me glad that I will soon be out of here! See, always a positive in the day.

Anywho. My progress. The last conversation will be had on Saturday. He texted me yesterday to ask if we can discuss my divorce settlement offer on Saturday after I drop the kids off. I was so surprised that 1. his lawyer finally got off her ass and did something, nearly three months later, and 2. that he didn’t relay it through our daughter!

But it pissed me off too. Why couldn’t he just discuss it yesterday when I picked up the kids???? Why does every damn thing need to be on HIS terms???? Why is he making me fret about it for three days and why am I letting him????? That truly is the problem, I still let him get to me and try to control me. I hope that will pass eventually.

So I know he is going to freak out, but it will likely get him talking to his lawyer because you know, I don’t know what I am doing/talking about and he won’t believe me that he can’t do anything to keep the kids away from me. Our state doesn’t give a crap who the parents see or when as long as there are no criminal charges against the person. My Girl assures me there is no record against her! 🙂

And I have a little good news on the job front…My Girl told me about a transcription company that is entirely remote. I had never done transcription before, but the physical jobs don’t seem to be reading too far past my “I will be relocating in May…” statement so nothing is happening there. And when I think about it, remote work may be a good thing right now, to get used to living in a bigger city without having to worry about driving (gulp!) and be able to have time with my kids during the summer, if things work out that they are with me with camps and whatever else he schedules. So I applied and found the exam easy enough, and they hired me. I’m not making enough to live on yet, and right now it’s tough to snag a job, but at least I have something to do sometimes, and if I only make enough to buy a candy bar or a scrapbook goodie….oh well, it’s less I am using my debit card for. It’s more about I feel like a normal person again.

So….wish me luck for Saturday….!

 

Can You Sleep Now Brain???

Today was another relatively quiet day, even though my children and I were forced to be inside together for snow day #2. Mostly we were in separate rooms doing different things, but sometimes it is better that way as the teen girl child is very easily annoyed by her brother and me.

I have not yet told their father, but they did not seem to feel uncomfortable with me. I was surprised at their resilience, and wondered if they knew somehow on some level or if their father had hinted with my frequent out of town visits.

I guess it doesn’t much matter, they know now and they will certainly be better with it sooner than their father. I still felt a little sad and guilty during the afternoon, and that it was way too easy telling them, there will be a huge freak out soon. But it was like I hadn’t said a word.

I took them back to their father’s before he came home from work, on purpose, and they both gave me affection which is very unusual! I’ll take it as a good sign though!

I came home and binge watched Netflix the rest of the day, and then felt better. I even went to bed at 10:30, which is much earlier than my usual unemployed bedtime!

But. My brain wouldn’t be still and was excitedly making lists of things to do and small things I can ship to my new address and what to say to Almost Ex…. Ugh! I didn’t feel like reading or being crafty…. So I cleaned out a bag of receipts and old coupons, and then found some unused picture frames and some other small knickknacks and packed them, and researched shipping rates for the Postal Service and other carriers. I figure sending little things ahead may help lower my moving truck expense.

And now, I think my brain is ready to end the day. Funny how being productive can soothe.

Ripping the Second Bandaid Off

I just told my children I am moving. They didn’t seem as upset as when I told them I was leaving their father. Still, tears all around.

My daughter didn’t say anything other than she was going in their room and my son asked how far away it is. Then they both went to different rooms. I am still on the couch crying.

But…. now I only have to tell their father, and I already know how that will go. I don’t really care what he threatens to do because if I am willing to come back to see them he can’t keep them from me. That’s all I care about.

There is no school tomorrow due to a Nor’easter coming, and I hope that we can process and begin to pick up the pieces. I know it will take time.

I feel relieved but very sad.

Day 125 of 90

It’s hard to count days when they all blur together. I have to look at a calendar on the wall for way too long, and thank God for the “command center” on my phone that tells me the time, date and day because honestly I really have no idea. I don’t know how people just choose not to work. I feel lazy, bored, non-productive, blah, and of course still on the emotional rollercoaster ride from Hell.

As this post is titled, it is now 35 days past the day my divorce should have been granted after a 90-day waiting period. I last heard from my lawyer on February 5, saying she had contacted his lawyer to request a response regarding the divorce grant and our settlement proposal. She didn’t get a response which is typical for his lawyer, and please provide a $400 addition to the retainer. Sigh. And Almost Ex seems to be back in denial and doesn’t mention anything at all. If I bring it up he informs me I am being hateful.

Job hunt is discouraging. I have applied to 13 jobs, both in a physical location and working remotely, and have only had one response. I think they see my state and immediately disregard me without reading further, because I clearly didn’t read the ad that they want local applicants. So today I found an ad that is nearly identical to what I previously did, and so I changed it up and said thank you for reviewing my resume, I am relocating in May, I don’t expect to receive relocation assistance, and would work remotely until May if it was a viable option. It is also in the town I am moving to, so no commute as I am anxious about the greater traffic and not having experience driving in big cities. My friend J says that as moving day gets closer more opportunities may arise….I hope so. Nothing to do but keep trying I guess.

I was going to tell my kids this past weekend, and then changed my mind. Lost my nerve is more like it. But, that is ok because I had three dates I was going to tell them I was leaving their father before I finally told myself a date no matter what. That is what I do; plan, agonize, decide, and talk myself out of it until I can’t stand it anymore, so I feel like at least I am trying to take this step and not passively waiting. And honestly it isn’t so much telling my children that scares me, it’s telling their father because of the hate and ugliness he will throw at me. I still fear his response…I can’t wait until I don’t care what he thinks.

But some good has come of this. My daughter went to counseling with me and was honest and willing to talk with me in the room. It hurt a bit, but I hope that it helped some. I am doing the best I can, and only want a better relationship with her.

I have also found great support in my friend J, and I have helped her as well. We have similar stories, but she is divorced now. She and My Girl are in the same boat with feeling helpless to know what to do for M (J’s friend) and me as we go through our respective divorces. J and I have known each other a long time, but now we are becoming close friends. There is no judgement on either side and it is a relief to have a safe space to vent our frustrations and anxieties of this process.

So that’s where I am at….trying to be calm in the monotony of my days. Sometimes I succeed, sometimes I don’t. But at least I am still waking up to have a day at all.