So Much Has Changed Since Flutter45 was Born

I was going to write a quick “hey I’m still alive, don’t worry” kind of thing, but then I caught myself looking at my login. Specifically my username…. flutter45…and just marveling at it.

I have been marveling quite a lot lately lol. I bought a house in December, and tomorrow will be a month since I moved in. Before I moved I would bring stuff over and sit on the floor and marvel at it all….that I decided to look for a house, I decided what I wanted, I did all the paperwork and most of all, I am paying for it. I made it happen. Pretty exciting and not so terrifying anymore lol.

But back to flutter45. This blog is about my transition to a different lifestyle…. transitioning to not completely straight. What better symbol of something in transition than a butterfly? They are caterpillars and create a chrysalis they have to fight their way out of in time. They become a different creature but have to slowly strengthen their wings and gently flutter them. So that’s the flutter….and I was 45 years old and slowly gathering strength to change….so flutter45 was born.

And I marvel at how much has changed since then.

Three years ago I began to realize that I was so unhappy, but I didn’t know what to do. I thought it was just the way long marriages with two kids became. Then I “met” My Girl and had all these emotions that were different but didn’t feel wrong even though I tried to fight them. But she added something to my life and it was ok after awhile.

Two years ago I decided I didn’t want to stay with my husband anymore and was gathering courage to tell him and our children. I agonized and set a date to do it and then lost my nerve. And again. And again. Then I finally had the conversation and it was ok after awhile.

One year ago I decided I wanted to leave my home state and move south to be with My Girl and start over in a warmer climate. I agonized over leaving my children and how our relationship would be and put off the conversation too long and made myself miserable. They were upset for a brief time but they agreed to figure it out as we go, and it was ok after awhile.

Three months ago I again agonized too long over telling them about My Girl….and they didn’t seem too upset and it’s been ok so far since I told them.

One month ago I began casually coming out, and it’s been ok.

Tomorrow My Girl is moving in with me. It’s been very hard for her with her depression and anxiety to cope with it all, but it’s necessary so she can get better. But we thought we would have to wait eight years, until my youngest was out of high school, to be together. And here we are….and I know, and deep down she knows too, it will be ok one day.

So much has changed. My marriage ended, I began to love a woman. I moved away from my familiar life into a completely unknown life and place. I supported myself. I found a job where I am valued and appreciated. My relationship with my children got better. I bought a house. I’m feeling happier. I’m becoming less concerned with what people think…though I do have a post about that to come! My relationship with My Girl is getting stronger, even with her illness, and there’s news to share about that too one day.

So much has changed since flutter45 was born, even me. And it’s ok.

“Everything will be ok in the end. If it’s not ok, it’s not the end.”

Still Confused

“Grief is perhaps an unknown territory for you. You might feel both helpless and hopeless without a sense of a ‘map’ for the journey. Confusion is the hallmark of a transition. To rebuild both your inner and outer world is a major project.” ~ Anne Grant

The last two weeks have been odd. I’m still on the emotional rollercoaster but the hills are not as steep and I don’t seem to be descending at such a terrifying speed, which I guess are good things. I realize I am in transition now, preparing to leave the life I had for 19 years, and I am still thinking too much about how others feel and not enough about how I feel. I am still thinking I don’t deserve to have things go so smoothly, I don’t deserve to be happy when I hurt my family so unexpectedly. I don’t know how an amicable divorce is supposed to be, it’s not my experience that such a thing exists! I just can’t get past the thought that I am doing it “wrong.” I feel guilty and confused and worried and terrified all at once.

I have started making plans for my “new” life, setting up new bank accounts and switching my direct deposit and packing….trying to not be in my family’s face with it all, and then I get in trouble because I ordered something online and had it shipped to my apartment instead of the house.

Then I am asked if I want the old patio table and he will help me take it over to my place. He says the apartment is nice and he is glad I am on the second floor.

Then I am told that during the summer our children will absolutely not be alone during the days at my apartment, but I am welcome to pick them up after I get off work….and when I said WTF, that’s not fair and not anything like I have been trying to discuss, he tells me I am being obnoxious. Oh and did I mention he works all day too?

Sigh.

And on and on back and forth that it seems as if sometimes I am the only grownup living in this house, or sometimes he thinks he is the only one.

Then on top of the confusion of daily interactions with Husband I am worried about my children and how upset they will be when I am not here, when it becomes “real.” My daughter has asked questions and gone shopping for sheets, yet she has not talked to any friends or teachers. My son asked if there is a pool and has not said anything else. I have offered to take them to a therapist but both refuse. I am worried they are putting on a brave face and that their father will not handle them “gently” when that day comes. I am worried they will think I have left them and I will lose them.

I try to stay in today but it is hard. I have always been a worrier, and it got worse after I had to make all the decisions about my mother when I had no idea what she wanted. I second guess everything now, and dread, and obsess and drive myself crazy.

I hope it gets easier soon. I hope I can one day not spend so much time worrying and just be happy in today.