Oh, and The Sky is Blue…..

Not literally since my current situation is snowy and gray…. In a southern state! WTF!

So I had a great visit with my kids even with my self created angst. We did all kinds of fun touristy things, including hiking up a mountain to about 1683 feet above sea level…. Which I thought was going to kill me before I reached the top and could enjoy the view! Had a proud couple of moments, though I panicked a bit I did it, and I helped my son realize he can do things that are scary and be ok. He was afraid to ride the sky lift down, and told me I helped him to not be as afraid.

We also made a chocolate cookie house, and fudge, and a candy treat, and I cooked their favorite meals and we went out some too. It was over in a minute, but it also seemed like we hadn’t been apart.

I had decided to tell them about My Girl in the car, because I figured if I told them the night before, they may be upset still anyway so what did it matter. Of course they both fell asleep almost immediately.

With about an hour left, my son woke up and decided he was hungry, and I needed gas anyway. I decided that was the time. My daughter was still a bit drowsy as I was about to get on the road, so I said M wake up a minute, I want to talk to you guys.

Me: I’m dating someone.

Kids: OK.

Me: I didn’t expect to be in a relationship with this person. But I am happy. My relationships don’t define me, I’m still your mom….

M: Is it Your Girl?

Me: Yes.

Kids: OK. (and went back to sleep)

What????? I actually felt a little disappointed that they didn’t ask any questions. That they didn’t really bat an eye. That again, they reacted totally opposite of what I expected.

But at least now they know. I expect there will be questions eventually, but for now they are OK with it and I’ll take it and we will continue to figure it all out as we go.

Glad the sky is blue.

 

Anyone Want to Come Out Me to My Kids????

Finally, I have my kids with me. It sure didn’t come easy, and I had to go through a lot of conversations where ex told me he felt it was the right thing to do to “let” me have them over Christmas break, and he will be so sad and lonely, and he has spent so much money on them but no he doesn’t want me to send more than we agreed to, blah blah blah.

I picked them up last Thursday, and they are here until Friday. It’s been mostly wonderful, just a few sibling squabbles or parent frustrations to deal with. Mostly they seem happy and that’s all I want.

I haven’t written in a while. It’s been busy at work, and My Girl and I are trying to navigate the rough transitional road to recovery life, and trying to figure out how to best help each other without causing upset from our own triggers and her withdrawing from medications she has been on a long time.

Since I haven’t been stressed enough, said sarcastically, I decided to start looking for a house since my lease runs out in February, and because I want to live with My Girl and our apartments are too small and we are getting tired of the management and neighbors anyway.

My second outing, the weekend after my birthday, I found one I loved, that was listed on my birthday. Turns out it was previously under contract, and there was a kitchen fire and the smoke damage was so bad the entire interior had to be gutted and rebuilt. Buyers didn’t want to wait so it was put on the market again. Selling agent didn’t want to show it before the renovations were completed or before the open house but Owner insisted. So….I looked at it Saturday (the selling agent likes my realtor friend and works in the same office so let him show it), took My Girl back on Sunday during an open house, was “advised without being advised” to put in a contract ASAP because another offer may be coming, and made an offer Sunday afternoon. The owner countered, and then I had to gamble on my second offer, not knowing the status or the amount of the other offer. A short while later my realtor called and said, “Well, you are buying a house!!” The other offer never came until Monday morning! Looks like it was meant to be!

Oh yeah, owner wants to close by the end of the year! What???? So on Thursday December 28, 2017 I will buy a house, and everything has been my decision, my resources, my responsibility. That is exhilarating and terrifying!

I told kids in the car, which is not really how I had planned it, but I was excited I guess! My realtor offered to take us over Friday to do an unofficial walkthrough. They of course wanted the same room so fought a bit until my daughter pulled rank as the oldest. But other than that they didn’t seem to care too much about it. I was a little disappointed actually that they weren’t that excited about it.

I was a little anxious to tell them about the house, not sure why. I guess because I know their father will be negative about it and complain about how much money he thinks I have since I am just “living it up doing my thing” in the south. Whatever, I can’t control that. I bought it with the divorce settlement!

So since that day, I have been dropping little hints about my future life in the house. I asked my daughter (M) if she wanted my queen bed set because I will be getting a king. I said I don’t have a washer and dryer right now because my friend A (My Girl) has been helping me so I didn’t need to buy them. They have asked what A does, if she is married, has kids, and likes cats. M asked if they would meet her. I asked why and she said because A is always with you. I answered all the questions and wished that all the questions that will come next will be so simple.

So, I have one conversation left and it’s by far the most important and scariest. I need to tell them that I am in a relationship with My Girl. It has to be now, because she will live with me before they come back for the summer and I think that is too much to process at once. Now, they have some time and space to come to terms with it….hopefully.

But that’s what is hard. When do I tell them? Do I ruin the rest of the visit now so I am less anxious? Or do it the last night they are here so they don’t have to be uncomfortable too long, though then they will have a long car ride with their very intolerant father? Do I tell them together like everything else or separately to give them privacy from their sibling?

My realtor (T) is friends with A. He’s gay, and married his long-time partner a few weeks ago. It was wonderful to share in their day, though there were some surprises in that some family and long-time friends did not support the marriage. The relationship was fine, but to get married in a church was against the Bible and sinful. That was upsetting. Now my kids will have to deal with similar conversations because of me.

I thought I could ask them what they thought of T. I could say I think he is smart, good at his job, funny, and very kind. Then I could say well T is gay, what do you think of him now? I could say you thought he was nice before you knew he was gay, how does it change now? How is that fair to say he is not a good person because he is gay when they don’t really know him? And then just somehow tell them that I am in a relationship with a woman. They will assume I am bi, and I guess I will leave it at that, because it’s easier than saying well I am not a lesbian but I love a woman.

I fear this conversation. I was waiting until after Christmas, but now I don’t want to because I have limited time with them and I am trying to enjoy every minute. I fear the after of this conversation. I fear they won’t want to be with me or won’t love me. I fear their father will be furious I didn’t tell him first and will keep them from me. There was no way I was telling him before they got here, knowing he will be so ugly about it and turn them against me before I even have a chance. Although I mentioned it to him long ago and he thinks it was a mid-life crisis and hasn’t brought it up again.

I daydream I tell them and they say they suspected, or so what, or some other positive thing. They have been resilient so far, why should this be any different? A psychic told me they would be slightly surprised but recover quickly, that when it was all said and done it would be ok. I know I am making it harder on myself and need to just do it, and I know I will feel better after…..but I am so afraid of this potential loss I can’t move or say the words.

I found one article where a dad told his 10-year old daughter he is gay. She was angry….not that he is gay but that he didnt tell her sooner. And then their lives went on and they got ice cream. Could I be that lucky to have that reaction too?

I wish someone could out me for me. Seriously. Then I wouldn’t be the bad guy for telling them. I so hate this.

 

A Bittersweet Weekend

It’s been a busy and bittersweet weekend.

Friday I traveled back to my home state to visit my kids for Homecoming. I also said, “See you later” to My Girl, and I have no idea when later will be.

She wants me to write about this however I need to, and gave me the OK to give details.

She suffers from depression, and possibly PTSD, and also has anemia, and is going through menopause. Quite a lot to deal with at once! Her mother and grandmother both were severely depressed, and her mom tried to kill herself a few times.

My Girl has had a difficult time the last few months, and didn’t fully express herself to me. Then, a friend from her old life died suddenly at 47 from a suspected aneurysm, and that was the straw that broke the camel’s back. My Girl spiraled quickly into darkness, and couldn’t get out. Her therapist had told her that loss brings loss…. And every loss brings the memories of her best friend’s suicide and her survivor’s guilt flooding back. This time, she couldn’t cope and Googled ways to kill herself that wouldn’t be too painful.

Then she decided she needed help, that she really didn’t want to kill herself.  Thank God for that! She told her therapist and they made arrangements to get My Girl into a residential treatment facility.

My Girl told me we needed to talk, but that it was a good thing and it would bring us closer, she wasn’t breaking up with me. Unfortunately she is not good with serious conversations, and either blurts it out or puts it off as long as possible hoping for the best time to tell me.  This time she waited, because I was happy and she didn’t want to ruin it. I had finally gotten to go on a business trip to my new firm’s corporate office, and my visit with my children was coming up.

Finally she told me, and it certainly was not what I expected! It was difficult and I had so many conflicting emotions, and felt selfish too. I didn’t want her to go across the country. I didn’t know it was so bad. I was the last to know because she made as many arrangements as she could so I wouldn’t have to worry about as much. I was worried about her.

I cried a lot that weekend. Then I realized that I would rather she go and get the help she needs than to have to live with knowing she asked for help and I didn’t listen and she couldn’t live in pain anymore. I am lost when we are apart, but at least right now our separation is temporary. I can’t bear a permanent separation.

Later I told her she had a “Get busy living or get busy dying” (The Shawshank Redemption) moment. Seek help or don’t. Find ways to express this pain and learn tools to cope, or don’t. She wants to live, and be the best person she can be, for both of us. I am thankful for that.

Treatment is extensive, and is a minimum of 2 weeks. She expects to be there about a month.

So Friday, she brought me coffee on the way to work, and that was the last time I will see her for awhile. Saturday she left for the treatment center, and checked in yesterday. She was finally able to call around 7:30 last night. They are allowed one call to tell family that they are safe, and then all contact with the outside world is cut off for a period of time. She can receive letters though, so that is good. Even though I knew she was going to be out of touch, I still kept checking my phone for her texts. We text a lot, and always say goodnight. I miss that already.

So I have a few more days here, and then I go back to my new home. Although it’s not home without My Girl. I will be taking care of her cats, so that will help me. And I guess I can work on my apartment, though I had decided to start looking for a house and so I may unpack only to have to pack it all up in a few months when my lease expires. But such is life I guess, things may change at any time and you have to just adjust the best you can even if it’s not convenient or easy.

But one good thing was that ex and I talked, and although he still guilt tripped me, he has become slightly less angry and is willing to let me have the kids for a week over Christmas and six weeks in the summer. Before,  Christmas was not an option and summer was about 3-4 weeks. Still, progress. We also agreed on a child support payment which is significantly less than the state would determine.

I see my therapist today, and I am so happy for that! The hour will go quickly though. While I want my time with my children to go slowly, I want all my other hours to fly by so that My Girl will be home.

It’s going to be a tough road for a bit, though certainly my road is paved and easier to travel compared to hers. I hope I can help her from afar.