Month: March 2016

And So It Starts – Part 2

“Before you judge me make sure your life is perfect and forever will be.” ~ Unknown

I just received two interesting texts from my best friend in response to telling her I had not told my kids yet.

The first, “What excuse are you using? Mommy doesn’t feel well won’t work forever.”

The second, “I’m waiting for someone to tell them before you do.”

Wow.  Thanks for your concern. I will make sure to provide similar support while you continue to allow your emotionally abusive and aggressive husband to treat you like shit and hope he doesn’t become physical and hurt you all, just because you love him and he always promises to change.

I guess anyone can act in a way that surprises you!

I am doing the best I can, in the way that I think is least upsetting. If something happens to disrupt or complicate my decision, I will deal with it when it happens, and I am OK with that. Sorry if “you” are not. But as Lady Gaga says, “Till you’re standing in my shoes, I don’t wanna hear a thing from you, cause you don’t know,  till it happens to you,  you don’t know how I feel….”

Exactly.

Till it Happens to You

 

Happy Easter and You Suck!

“I don’t want to fight on Easter but…” ~ Husband

Too many emotions today to narrow down to find a better quote! I am hurt, sad, angry, anxious, dreading, and lonely.

We had an egg hunt…of which I took care of getting the stuff to fill eggs and baskets because Husband “didn’t think of it in time” and then hid eggs last night while Husband slept on couch. I also bought cards for kids and one for him from them, but he couldn’t be bothered to buy one for me from them.

After breakfast we all scattered to different rooms, which is the norm lately. Husband found me and asked if I was going to his parents’. I said well it would look weird if I didn’t especially after her friend’s comment. He said he had talked to them and told them “stuff is going on” and he doesn’t want it awkward for him so maybe I should be sick. Oh well then why did he ask if I was going???

Then he says he didn’t want to fight me on Easter, and then proceeds to tell me how much I absolutely suck, though he didn’t actually say that at least. He tells me again he doesn’t understand how I can walk away from 19 years and our wonderful children. How I never told him we needed to talk and fix us. How he doesn’t understand why I am talking to some person, or not talking to her as I claimed and he hopes I am not lying to him, and she is telling me enough to make me up and leave. How he pays so much for the kids and my leaving will make us all suffer and we will be broke. How I should have gone to individual therapy because I am confused about so much. And lastly, how we have been co-existing and it has all been just fine, I am around more and seem slightly less unhappy. And then like he usually does, he threw his hands up in the air and walked away, dismissing me and ending the conversation. Oddly though I was relieved that I didn’t have to go face my in-laws and pretend all is well, though I worry too much will be made of my absence though Husband assured me they wouldn’t say anything.

So I told my kids I suddenly didn’t feel well, and my sweet son said he would ask Daddy if they could come home early so I wouldn’t be alone too long. 😦

And now I am laying in bed, alone, feeling everything at once and trying to find the positive that will pull me out of the darkness that I created. My inner kind voices have gone quiet, because the hateful voices have had power too long to be dulled easily. I pray that each day I get through gives me the strength to one day turn off the hateful voices completely.

Divorce sucks no matter who initiates it. But I am NOT a bad person! Maybe one day I will actually believe that. 😦

 

 

It’s the Random Things

“Sometimes I just cry at random things.” ~ Keith Urban

Like most women I cry over just about every movie I see. I cry when I read something that moves me. I cry when my children succeed at something and my heart could burst with pride. Because I lost my mother, I cry on holidays and her anniversary. Because I lost my mother, I cry over the random things….hearing someone order a maple walnut sundae which was her favorite, finding a ring I had given her for her birthday, seeing a recipe card in her handwriting. It’s the random things that are the hardest.

I was finally in a somewhat less stressed, less anxious, more peaceful state of mind. I have been decluttering and making some progress. I have been taking a few small things to my apartment. I have told my boss my situation and she didn’t judge me. I have had civil conversations with my Husband about financial things. I felt hopeful that things were getting better, and felt kinder toward myself.

And then two random things pulled the rug out from under me and sent me back into sadness. I know that random things are always lurking, yet I am still always completely shocked when they appear!

Husband had a picture from a happier time on his dresser, along with a note to himself to start cleaning out my mom’s dressers in the basement. And when I saw the note especially, I felt such sadness, I thought, wow this really is happening, my marriage has ended and he is already thinking of what I will want to take away with me, of what he doesn’t want to have around anymore.

While it is rightfully mine, it made me feel sad because he was making a note to remind himself of something he doesn’t want to do but has to. Because I did this. I had told him that I just wanted a few things right now like a couch and old dining set, and that I would get the rest later, and the dressers were not items I felt I needed right now. It made me sad because again he didn’t listen to me and is just doing what he wants to do. I’m sure he is thinking that of course I need the dressers, so he needs to take his stuff out. I didn’t want to take a lot of big things now, especially my mother’s things, because I wanted to not have a lot of old stuff with me in my new life, random things that remind me of all I have lost.

I wish I would have more random things that make me happy instead of sad. Then the random things wouldn’t be so hard.

 

 

Decluttering my Life

“In the scope of a happy life, a messy desk or an overstuffed coat closet is a trivial thing, yet I find – and I hear from other people that they agree – that getting rid of clutter gives a disproportionate boost to happiness.” ~ Gretchen Rubin

My company had a “bonus cleaning day” on February 29, and actually encouraged everyone to take advantage of the extra day and clean up their offices. On company time! I have only been there a little over a year so I didn’t have too much to clean out yet, but I did get some stuff put away and my assignment folders organized and was happy with that. I didn’t have time to clean out my email….ugh I need a week to do that!

I kept the motivation and began decluttering my house. That has been no easy task! I have lived here 13 years…and have two kids in school…the papers they bring home are enough to bury me! Generally what I have done in the past is put everything into piles on the kitchen counter and then when there are people coming over I put everything in a plastic bag and hide the bag in a cabinet or the dining room, or under the bed. Every once in a while I will pull a bag out, start to go through it and quickly get bored or overwhelmed and put the bag away to deal with later.

But now something is different. Now I am able to make some progress and actually declutter my life! I have gotten in the habit of cleaning out one thing for about half an hour. My closet, a random bag, a drawer. Every day. And now I am actually looking forward to it! It feels great that most of it can be shredded and the rest can be recycled. Very little is worth keeping!

I started decluttering my life because I didn’t want to take bags of junk to my apartment, and I knew if I waited until Husband decided to sell the house I would be rushed to take care of it and that’s when I get overwhelmed. So I have time now, and though it could be something mindless to help me get through the pain later, I didn’t want to take anything into my new life that I didn’t absolutely need.

But I have found that decluttering is very calming and yet empowering. I am in control of it. I decide when it’s done, whether it gets shredded, recycled, or kept, and I decide how long I feel like dealing with the task. I haven’t had much control over my life lately. If I want to talk, Husband doesn’t. If he wants to talk he blurts things out and runs away before I can say anything. Someone started spreading gossip so I have no control of who finds out when, or how much they find out. Husband is either kind or angry, and either one makes me feel guilty.

It seems a bit silly to me that I am using clutter, or rather the removal of it, to find a bit of relief from the chaos of my life. But I guess I should be happy that I am able to find any relief right now, and shouldn’t worry about where it comes from. Because aren’t negative thoughts and self criticism mind clutter? Clutter is clutter, get rid of it and feel happier!

 

Kindness

“The words of kindness are more healing to a drooping heart than balm or honey.” ~ Sarah Fielding

It’s been quite a week, but finally I think I have entered a less emotional, more peaceful state. I know it will not last long, but I appreciate the break nonetheless.

I had a health scare, though I told myself it would be nothing, I have no history. It turned out to be nothing. I was approved for an apartment and signed the lease and was at once terrified and exhilarated. I was able to see My Girl after a self imposed separation due to my boss noticing I had four appointments in one week and a complaint from someone else to her that I didn’t come to work on a snowy day though I did work from home. I felt I was being unfairly watched and didn’t want to risk even taking a too long lunch. Husband started a civil conversation about property taxes and then before I could say I appreciate his kindness he quickly went into a guilt trip reminding me how I have already devastated him and will soon devastate our children too and told me I was selfish. And of course somehow someone I have not seen in over a year found out something that I haven’t told anyone and began spreading rumors around and it got back to my mother-in-law and now I have to tell my children sooner than planned.

So it was a lot to deal with. I was very stressed, not sleeping well, and generally not feeling too strong about anything. Then I decided to tell my boss what is going on, because I didn’t want her to hear it from anyone else. It was nervewracking because she is the first person that I chose to tell, not needing to tell to make arrangements, and I feared her reaction. I simply said my husband and I will be divorcing and that’s why I had had so many appointments and why I haven’t really been myself but that it would not affect my work.

She was surprised and said “Oh not another one!” and then asked me how I was doing and urged me to use the Employee Assistance Benefit and get support. She reassured me that it was not a problem to do what I needed to do and she would be glad to help me in any way she could. That one day we would all four be ok.

It was the kindness of her asking how I was and telling me everyone would be ok that helped me I think. My Husband has never asked me how I feel as we progress through the last days of our marriage, and of course no one else knows yet. It was so sincere and much needed. My previous boss would have said “Well don’t let it affect any deadlines.” and then found ways to blame me for anything she was upset about. Talk about a toxic atmosphere and I am thankful I removed myself from it before now!

My boss’ kindness helped calm my anxiety and gave me hope that maybe I will not lose everyone due to this difficult decision, and that not everyone will think I am cruel.

It’s so important to try to be kind to people. Kind words can make a huge difference, and are always more helpful than unkind words. We don’t know what other people are dealing with.

And So It Starts

“If it doesn’t involve you, it shouldn’t concern you.” -~ Unknown

So. Apparently my plans to tell my children after my son’s birthday next month have changed.  No it’s not what you think,  Husband did not say a word. He’s the one who told me the plan changed actually.

Although I have not told anyone other than my boss that I am having “personal problems” and Husband swears he only told his boss and sister, somehow someone I worked with before found out there was something going on with me. No big deal right? Well funny we live in a small world and his in-laws are friends with my in-laws.  So….and for a man he is a huge ass gossip!

So his mother-in-law calls mine and makes small talk and asks how I am, specifically asks about ME. She says fine why,  and friend kind of realizes oh perhaps this is not public knowledge and proceeds to try to act stupid and fails. My mother-in-law promptly calls her daughter to find out WTF, who then calls Husband to warn him Mom knows and she didn’t tell her!  So Husband calls me all pissed and then doesn’t believe me that I didn’t tell anyone since I used to work with the guy,  I had to have told him.  Sigh.

Seriously Universe? As if I am not dealing with enough already. I had a theory that the rental agency called to verify employment and the nosy receptionist told the guy. Well my credit and criminal reports were so good they didn’t need to check my employment. So there goes my theory.  So I have no idea what this guy knows,  who told him, or what he said to his inlaw!!!!

I am furious! I have always believed that the person whose news it is should be the one to tell it, when and if they want to, the way they want to!!!! Now because someone had to butt themselves into my business, I have to ruin my son’s birthday. Who gets to live with that guilt? The other person? Fuck no, me!!! As if I don’t have enough guilt already! Thank you so much gossiper!!!

Funny I told My Girl after she found out what her “friends” felt about her situation and how they were so angry and upset she didn’t tell them, was that you thought you were only married to one person, but apparently you had a lot of other spouses who have a vested interest in the relationship!!!  It’s so ridiculous.

Is it really so newsworthy that my employment is being verified?  Maybe I am looking for another job, and maybe it’s out of state and I have to rent an apartment!  I mean how fucking rude to assume I am breaking up with my husband just based on what it sounds like and even ruder to spread it around when you have no fucking right to do so!

I have decided not to contact the guy.  He would probably deny it anyhow.  And looking at it positively, I was paralyzed by fear for a bit so now things will move forward again and I can get off this awful emotional rollercoaster.

And so it starts that I will have to deal with all the fallout of people’s disappointments, judging,  shock, and anger at what I am doing with my life.

I don’t like it but can’t control other people. But don’t get mad at me world when you are up in my business and I get mad for it. If it involves you, I will let you know and consider your opinion. Until then mind your own fucking business!!! 

 

 

Not Much Farther

“Focus on how far you’ve come, not how far you have to go.” ~ Unknown

The fear that crept in yesterday is finally subsiding, it put up a hell of a fight and has left me suddenly exhausted. I wanted to go to bed two hours ago! Actually this whole transition time has left me exhausted, and I am not in the clear yet, but I can’t think about that. That’s my problem, I worry too much about what could happen and all the things I have to do, how far I have to go.

Sometimes I randomly feel like looking for certain articles about whatever I am stressing about….women leaving men for women, divorcing without guilt, fear of moving on, how to be kind to myself…etc, etc, etc! I like to think my mom is helping me find these articles. And usually they do help me come back from hot mess to lukewarm disarray. It will be awhile until I am cool orderly again. That’s to be expected I guess.

So today I looked up fear of moving on and one article said to make a list of everything I could think of that I survived and/or accomplished, and don’t judge the list, just write whatever comes to mind. The list will show you what you have done and gotten through to give you strength to believe in yourself and your ability to move forward. A few were obvious like giving birth twice without drugs and surviving my mother’s unexpected and too early passing. Others were not quite so obvious like trying out for high school plays even though I had never had experience and getting a small part. I tried to go back as far as I could remember and listed them generally chronologically.

To my surprise I listed 20, and 14 were accomplishments and 6 were survived. Only 6! And then I noticed something…all 14 accomplishments were things I decided to do, or came from my effort/work in the situation and all 6 survived were things that other people did that I couldn’t control!!! And yes, telling Husband I was unhappy and love a woman is on the list.

Talk about an empowering moment! I was very proud of myself at how many good things I had listed.

And then I realized something else. All but one survived, my mother’s passing, had a never associated with it. After my first love broke up with me I was never going to love again. Then I ran into my high school crush and eventually married him. After that divorce I was never going to get married again but I did. You get the idea. Actually I tell myself that nothing is worse than becoming a motherless daughter, and if that didn’t kill me nothing else can.

So when I told myself I never would, I was lying to myself because I eventually did. All 6 of my survived were difficult and painful, and eventually I got through them, and I will get through this too. I have come so far, and I really don’t have that much farther to go.

I believe in myself. By this time next year I will add a few things to my survived list.

 

 

Waiting

“The waiting is the hardest part.” ~ Tom Petty & the Heartbreakers

I’m tired of waiting.

I’m waiting to find out if I can rent an apartment. Waiting to have two difficult conversations, one a reminder that I’m not bluffing and the other changing the world as my kids know it. Waiting to move and start dealing with the news spreading. Waiting to find out who are true friends and who are not. Waiting to feel creative again. Waiting to get off this damned emotional rollercoaster and get to the other side of pain and guilt and sadness. Waiting to be happy.

See the problem with waiting is you have time to think. And it’s not the “oh this is an amazing thing you are doing, fighting for what you want and need, it will be well worth it!” kind of thinking. Oh no. It’s the “what the fuck are you doing, you are hurting everyone you love for no reason, you can’t do it now at your age, you are a jerk!” kind of thinking. And that’s difficult for me to handle.

Yesterday I felt peaceful and calm, and excited that I was applying for an apartment. I could see the light at the end of this darkness. I was hopeful. I spent the day recharging. I was alone most of the day and I colored, played on my Kindle and read, and just was.

Then today I woke feeling slightly melancholy. Perhaps the cool, rainy day affected my mood. Or perhaps I was on edge, tired of having to go into another room to be away from Husband and hoping he wouldn’t want to talk, tired of his constant chatter and denial. I don’t know. I’m just tired.

Then I went grocery shopping but first stopped at a department store, wanting to buy something for my apartment to cheer me, but I couldn’t decide what color I would want for any room. That was depressing. I found a pretty lavender scented candle that was three layers of purple and bought that just because I liked it, and thought soon I won’t be able to afford $5 for a random item I didn’t really need.

Then I went to the grocery store and thought soon I will not be able to be so carefree with what I buy because I will have a tight budget for awhile.

I have tried to be kind to myself these last weeks, so I was wondering why I was torturing myself being so negative. I’m still waiting for the answer.

I can’t wait until all this is over, and the good days are the majority again.

Waiting truly is the hardest part.

Heading Toward a New Normal

“Things may never go back to normal. You may need to create a new normal. And that’s ok.” ~ Unknown

Seventeen years ago, I would have never understood this phrase. Then, my 50 year old mother passed away suddenly and boy did I understand it once the fog of inconsolable grief lifted! Everything was now clouded by thoughts of I wish I could call Mom, or I wish Mom could see this, or simply I miss my Mom. My new normal was now living as a motherless daughter. Gradually it became less painful to realize this was my new normal, but it never became not painful and it never will. And God how I hate for people to become motherless like me and how I hate that those who don’t really know what it’s like can criticize me or be annoyed that I am STILL grieving. It’s my normal, not theirs, why does it bother them?

And now suddenly I realize I am choosing to create a new normal, choosing to be judged and criticized, choosing to go through a painful time to find a happier me and create a new life. I admit it’s terrifying and I hate for people to criticize me or be upset with me! But it must be done.

It’s been a typical week, Husband forgot about freaking on me last weekend and has chattered away whenever we are in the same room which I try to avoid as much as possible, and I have been stressed worrying about when and how to tell my children and practicing what I would say to people. I have tried to start being more kind to myself and it does seem to help a little.

I realized that he is not going to do a single thing to move this along so I needed to start figuring out how I am going to do this new life. I am the only one that can change my situation. I created a budget and severely overestimated my expenses as a single woman in the worst case scenario and found I could do it, barely, but I could! How empowering! I have never supported myself, and was never “allowed” to handle the bills, so I wanted to show myself it could be done. People do it with less than I have!

I had also realized that I shouldn’t have any further conversation about moving out until I spoke to a lawyer. I have tried so hard to be considerate of everyone’s feelings, and I did not want to risk losing custody because of something I didn’t know not to do.

I answered the basic questions of finances and assets and children and then explained that my situation was a little “complicated.” Ha! That was the first time I told someone I wanted to pursue a relationship with a woman and I had been anxious about admitting it. She didn’t bat an eye! Then she proceeded to tell me my state doesn’t care who I see, that Husband doesn’t have to like it but once we are separated he can’t do a thing about it and can’t prevent me from having custody for it!!! Thank God! I felt like a huge weight had been lifted! So basically the worst he can do is drag his feet and make me wait a few years to be divorced.

Then I started looking for an apartment. My Girl and I looked at one yesterday. Now I am appearing in public loving a woman, though we did not act like we were a couple, and again the rental agent did not seem bothered in the least! I kept wondering if she was wondering!

I did have a bit of anxiety later in the day wondering if I really could do this, especially when I have not split my finances from Husband yet, and wondering if I made the right decision getting a two bedroom,  one bathroom unit since half the time a second bathroom would not be used, and guilty for doing this secretly. Then I decided I needed to just trust my instincts, and that things would be ok. I can get a loan or another job if I needed to, and he knows it is coming even if he pretends he doesn’t. So what? So today I completed the application and dropped it off. I felt excited that I am applying to live in my own apartment, and taking steps to begin creating a new normal.

Then as if to confirm that I am going to be ok, someone replied to a forum where I had talked about what the lawyer said and how I seem to be strong briefly but then become consumed by anxiety, guilt, sadness and whatever else. She said that she thinks I am handling all this quite well and these painful feelings can’t be helped but I am taking steps to my happiness in the midst of all of them and I deserve huge kudos. That was so encouraging, even though it was an internet stranger, and much needed support.

So this week I proudly stated I love a woman, appeared in a public place with and introduced My Girl as my “friend,” and started getting things in place to move out and begin creating a new normal. And no one was upset by it! I know I have two difficult conversations ahead, but I am beginning to find my strength and confidence that I will make it through and be comfortable in my new and happier normal eventually.